I find it difficult to love my daughter

amother

Tue, May 07 2019, 2:55 pm

I just can‘t. I try so hard but I cannot. It is so sad. It is my only daughter. I try so hard I do all the things, I advocate for her, I am in touch with teachers, I think about ways to help you. But ultimately I always perceive her as a burden. I don‘t enjoy her company, I am rarely excited about the things she says. She is also miserable and has some issues, but I feel that it is ultimately because she feels I reject her. I am always more inclined to get irritated with her than with any other child of mine. Every request from her feels like she wants to suck out all life out of me.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone chabged this for the better?

She is a great student, people like her, she has friends. I feel like I am ruining her with my attitude. I feel like she brings me nachas but I am not capable of receiving it.

thunderstorm

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:08 pm

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I don't know how old your daughter is but my beloved sister was not liked by my mother and my mother couldn't help herself by making certain comments to her and basically confirming what my sister always felt. My mother doesn't like my sisters personality and other things about her and because of that she did not treat her the way she treated me. My sister has a really strained relationship with my mother and is still dying for my mother's affection. Please please get professional help for yourself so that you could rectify it before it's too late. If you have it in you to love one child you have it in you to the love the other. Wishing you much Hatzlacha in working through it.

amother

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:28 pm

I am in therapy for some issues and she has recently started therapy too for bed-wetting and general unhappiness.

I will talk to her therapist about it.

It is not that I always hate her, I try my best and it costs an enormous effort but often, when I am stressed out or tired, I take it out on her because she just naturally annoys me more.

She reminds me of my mother because she is dominating, and sometimes I feel like she is bossing me around, sp she triggers a teenager in me.

I think I did have PPD, I definitely had a very hard time, I had a toddler too when she was born and that was too much for me. I also, to my great sadness, was not willing to get pregnant so early but my dh persuaded me to do it for the mitzvah, so I agreed and then I had her. He did help a lot, I can‘t complain but it was very difficult for me, it stained my marriage and my health a lot. Her conception and delivery is the story of having my boundaries violated, as I now realize. I also feel like I was robbed of her babyhood because I could not really enjoy it, I was so overwhelmed. I have already locked these feelings away, I talked to dh many times and he apologized and he understands and he does not ever push me to have kids anymore. But my relationship with her is still strained.

amother

Navy

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:34 pm

aricelli wrote:

Can you explore this with your therapist as well?

Yes, this is an issue for YOUR therapist. Please make this a priority. You have a lot of issues surrounding her pregnancy and birth, and unfortunately you are taking it out on her. It's so sad

You also need to work really hard on building positivity into your relationship with her. Spend time with her, take her out to eat, take her shopping. Rebuild her self esteem.

Also, make a commitment and a plan to immediately stop all negativity and scapegoating towards her.

And definitely do your own emotional inner work

thunderstorm

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow that sounds awful any way you put it. You are in therapy . Please bring this up with your therapist. You "locked away" what bothered you but you may have "filed" it in the wrong place. My psychiatrist once told me that some people think they "forgot about their problems) or "came to terms with it". But what they are doing is , stuffing it in the back of all their other "files" and it's in the wrong place. She said therapy helps you open each file, review it , and then when you are ready you file it away properly in a way it never needs to be touched again. Her analogy really helped me understand the purpose of therapy. She also said if it's not filed away properly , it eventually will pop up some where and it needs to get dealt with.

aricelli

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:38 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Thanks for explaining that so well. I see this a lot with my own past issues

ra_mom

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That is so difficult. You must have really suffered. And your daughter really suffered.

2 things that must happen ASAP, simultaneously:

1. Trauma therapy to overcome your childhood and PPD. You won't be able to overcome your triggers without it. Speak to your therapist about finding an EMDR specialist for this (doesn't have to be instead of you current therapist, EMDR can take 6-8 sessions (sometimes longer depending on the trauma).

2. Sign up for a parenting connecting to child course. I can recommend Blimi Heller's 5 session course in the tri-state area that will set you on the right path, while you take care of your past simultaneously.

You can do this!!

Last edited by ra_mom on Tue, May 07 2019, 6:10 pm; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Tue, May 07 2019, 3:58 pm

OP, you have shown wonderful insight and self awareness on this thread.

Those qualities will serve you well as you work to grow beyond this.

As you continue to strengthen and love yourself, to feel safe when someone, even (or especially) family says something critical, to let it be their issue; to stay in your own skin, you'll find it much easier to love and appreciate your DD.

A closer relationship truly is possible. And not just possible. Necessary. Necessary, in order not to perpetuate the uncomfortable dynamic into the next generation. Necessary for the mental health of your DD and your self.

Give it the time, space, and work it deserves, but if things aren't significantly better by Rosh Hashanah, you might want to try a new therapist.

May you find healing, clarity, and strength for yourself, and may you be able to offer them to your DD with an open heart.

amother

Coral

Tue, May 07 2019, 4:10 pm

OP, although I can’t relate and so I probably can’t give advice I want to commend you on your self-awareness and honesty and willingness to face the problem. This is certainly a critical first step. Hope you have a great therapist to help you through this. Since you don’t have this issue with your other children and since it sounds like your daughter is actually a nice kid, I can’t see any reason why this isn’t fixable with the right help and insight. Wishing you success on the journey.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, May 07 2019, 4:54 pm

I recently had a boarder who started me thinking about how I’d feel if my daughter was the horrible person she is. I cannot imagine the pain of feeling that way and want you to know that however you feel is a valid feeling but that you definitely have to get on top of how you react to it because if you don’t I think it could ruin your lives.

The boarder I had probably has a personality disorder, has hormonal issues, clear mental health issues and I can feel compassion for all of that- but she is a HORRIBLE person. She is rude, inconsiderate, over dramatic about god knows what. Shes dirty and complains about others leaving messes when the messes are hers.

She’s just insufferable and it’s not her mental health.
I don’t know how her mother can stand to have her as a child. The mother seemed nice enough. I bet it breaks her heart.

Anyways, please know I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. What was theoretical musing in my head is not what I’d wish on anyone. Big hugs ( in a nice way) too.

chay

Tue, May 07 2019, 5:32 pm

Op, she is only eight your relationship is still salvageable.
Can you take ten minutes every day to just have Mom and daughter time. Focus on her and learn something new to love.

One summer I worked in a camp the director have us great advice..
Make sure you love every camper, if one gets you a little nervous find one thing you admire. Focus on that.
I think she said it could even be the child's eyelashes...
Focus

Last edited by chay on Tue, May 07 2019, 8:27 pm; edited 1 time in total