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How to raise sons who will be good husbands
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Tue, May 14 2019, 10:19 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
I'm trying to figure out how cleaning bathrooms is inherently feminine... or why cooking for a crowd is ok for a man as long as it comes with the title chef (most of the best chefs are male)... and how complicated is it to put clothes into a washing machine? (Machines, boys, why is this not a male job?)

I do agree with you that the most important thing you can teach your children - both sons and daughters - is to be emotionally healthy, act appropriately, learn responsibility, and of course, have good middos. And it doesn't really matter how much housework your son or daughter actually do before they get married.

But I do think it's important for your child to know how to do household tasks (both boys and girls). And I think it is especially important for a boy to understand that he has to pitch in when and if it's necessary. Cleaning help is not always available or may not show up, cleaning help don't do everything in any case, and what if the wife is working as well? Is it fair that she should work and do ALL the housework as well?

Too many people think they're sons are the next R Chaim Kanievsky, but let me tell you, I have plenty of men in my family who are learning, are masmidim, and help plenty in the house as well. And that's how it should be.
Cheers
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 4:42 am
I disagree about the dorm being bad for boys.
My brother didn't sleep in the dorm, even though most of his friend did, because we lived in the same town as his yeshiva. But in the end in just made him more spoiled and entitled than if he would of slept in the dorm.
He didn't like dinner? No prob, mom will cook him another at 11 at night.
Didn't have to be responsiable for his laundry.
Didn't like his dormmates? No need to learn to get along, just go sleep at home(at some point he did use the dorm)
There is always food, nosh, cash available, no need to be organized.

I think it would of been very good for him to have lived in the dorm.
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amother




Black


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 5:13 am
This may have been said already, but the most effective way to do this is to marry a good man who is an example of a good husband. All the rest is commentary.
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 5:25 am
It's true that boys in dorms may learn some practical skills and even some problem solving and interpersonal skills. But they won't have their fathers as daily examples of how to behave, and they won't see a marriage up close. It takes very little time to figure out how to use a washing machine. It takes a lot of time observing a healthy dynamic to recreate one. (Obviously, people can create healthy homes and marriages without role models. It's just harder. )
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amother




Violet


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 7:29 am
I am on bedrest right now and BH my dh is stepping up to the plate and doing most of the household stuff. We have gotten numerous calls from 'do gooders ' that I am taking away from my husband's learning time by not letting him go to night Seder since he is doing household stuff then and should be hiring help instead (which we can't afford while I am off of work ). Part of it is a general attitude that it's husband 'abuse 'to have him cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids while he is working 9-4 . Nevermind that I have been doing the same thing for the last 5 years and no one was worried about me burning out or wasting my time.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:17 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
I am on bedrest right now and BH my dh is stepping up to the plate and doing most of the household stuff. We have gotten numerous calls from 'do gooders ' that I am taking away from my husband's learning time by not letting him go to night Seder since he is doing household stuff then and should be hiring help instead (which we can't afford while I am off of work ). Part of it is a general attitude that it's husband 'abuse 'to have him cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids while he is working 9-4 . Nevermind that I have been doing the same thing for the last 5 years and no one was worried about me burning out or wasting my time.



UGH UGH UGH. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE FINALLY LEARN TO KEEP THEIR EYES OFF OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR MOUTHES SHUT. Vent over.

I'm sorry people r so obnoxious..its totally not their business what u do inside ur home.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:18 am
amother [ Black ] wrote:
This may have been said already, but the most effective way to do this is to marry a good man who is an example of a good husband. All the rest is commentary.


Great post!!! agreed- I also believe a lot of raising kids is by example
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amother




Lilac


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:19 am
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
I disagree about the dorm being bad for boys.
My brother didn't sleep in the dorm, even though most of his friend did, because we lived in the same town as his yeshiva. But in the end in just made him more spoiled and entitled than if he would of slept in the dorm.
He didn't like dinner? No prob, mom will cook him another at 11 at night.
Didn't have to be responsiable for his laundry.
Didn't like his dormmates? No need to learn to get along, just go sleep at home(at some point he did use the dorm)
There is always food, nosh, cash available, no need to be organized.

I think it would of been very good for him to have lived in the dorm.


I don't think the issue is that your brother didn't sleep in the dorm, but more, that he was spoiled by his Mom.

My 20 year old daughter lives at home. She does her own laundry, eats what I cook for dinner (and pitches in with prep, clearing, serving as needed) gets along with siblings, etc....I don't see why a boy living at home should not do the same.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:21 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
I am on bedrest right now and BH my dh is stepping up to the plate and doing most of the household stuff. We have gotten numerous calls from 'do gooders ' that I am taking away from my husband's learning time by not letting him go to night Seder since he is doing household stuff then and should be hiring help instead (which we can't afford while I am off of work ). Part of it is a general attitude that it's husband 'abuse 'to have him cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids while he is working 9-4 . Nevermind that I have been doing the same thing for the last 5 years and no one was worried about me burning out or wasting my time.


Yikes. I find this hard to wrap my head around.

DH would say "bitulah zu hi kiyumah" in your case. Comes a time when you have to practice what you have learned. Your DH sounds like a responsible husband, and you are a lucky woman.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:24 am
OP here. Thank you everyone. Some beautiful replies, and some discouraging. If I have a husband who doesn't model good behavior then my boys are stuck repeating the cycle? Punch
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:30 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OP here. Thank you everyone. Some beautiful replies, and some discouraging. If I have a husband who doesn't model good behavior then my boys are stuck repeating the cycle? Punch


Nope not at all. Not everyone is stuck repeating parents unhealthy or less than perfect behaviors

It does take more effort though. It's very Important that u separate his behaviors from him and explain that to them.
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amother




Taupe


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:32 am
mig100 wrote:
Nope not at all. Not everyone is stuck repeating parents unhealthy or less than perfect behaviors

It does take more effort though. It's very Important that u separate his behaviors from him and explain that to them.


How would you go about doing that?
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Mommyg8




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:33 am
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
I don't think the issue is that your brother didn't sleep in the dorm, but more, that he was spoiled by his Mom.

My 20 year old daughter lives at home. She does her own laundry, eats what I cook for dinner (and pitches in with prep, clearing, serving as needed) gets along with siblings, etc....I don't see why a boy living at home should not do the same.


Lilac, I came on here to post this exact thing!

The boys who are spoiled at home come to the dorm with the same attitude. They have unlimited credit cards, and buy take out whenever they don't like supper, which is almost every night. By contrast, my poor son, who didn't have an unlimited credit card, came home way too thin....

At home they have to pitch in with everything. Really, I wish the attitude about boys not having to pitch in would change. It's very detrimental in my opinion.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 9:57 am
Regarding the dorm issue, it depends entirely on the dorm, the boy, and the family he was raised in. I've known spoiled boys who went away and came back as real mentches, and boys who stayed home and benefited greatly from sitting and learning with their fathers. So let's all agree that it's situational.

For the mothers with boys on the spectrum, kol hakavod for being on top of things, and taking a realistic approach. I do know some happily married Aspie guys, so don't give up hope.

As long as you are honest and upfront with the girl, everything should be OK. Just make sure the couple date longer than usual, so that she can really understand what life with an Aspie is going to be like. She needs to see the ups AND the downs, especially the downs.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 10:06 am
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
How would you go about doing that?


I can explain further later
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 10:37 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
We have gotten numerous calls from 'do gooders ' that I am taking away from my husband's learning time by not letting him go to night Seder since he is doing household stuff then and should be hiring help instead


This is the worst thing I've head in a long time.
I would gush thankfully to them for offering to pay for hired help and mail them an invoice.
THE NERVE Punch
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amother




Black


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 10:57 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OP here. Thank you everyone. Some beautiful replies, and some discouraging. If I have a husband who doesn't model good behavior then my boys are stuck repeating the cycle? Punch


OP, unfortunately it is exceedingly difficult in such a situation. Boys learn to be men from their fathers- this is where they learn about masculinity and what 'makes a man' and they WANT to be like him. If there are other positive male role models in their lives (such as an uncle, grandfather etc.), then this can be helpful in helping them see a good example.

In my own home, there are things that my husband doesn't even explicitly say, but my son has picked up on and has started expressing. It's hard to interfere with a parent's influence.
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amother




Smokey


Post  Wed, May 15 2019, 2:52 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OP here. Thank you everyone. Some beautiful replies, and some discouraging. If I have a husband who doesn't model good behavior then my boys are stuck repeating the cycle? Punch


You are not stuck. I know someone whose Dad was a terrible husband and
He is a great husband. He SAW WHAT NOT TO FOLLOW. And HE SAW REBBEIM...doing the right thing.
So, dont give up. You can speak about good behavior and how important it is to work on middos.

Its also important for them to have good role models like rabeim, relatives etc...
But, it also depends on the boy's personality /nature and if they take time to work on their midos.

There are so many factors that influence how the boys turn out"" wen they are older.

There are men who are great husbands but their sons are not good husbands and so too, there are men who are horrible husbands but their sons are good husbands. Some kids follow wat they see at home and some decide not to follow wat they see at home bec of a rebbes influence.....and the son sees proper role models.
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