Texting me for money! leave me alone

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:15 pm

I pay almost full tuition but dont give gifts ever to teachers.. for weddings...its too expensive and schools should be paying the teachers more with my tuition.

What really bothers me is when classmoms now are texting me for gift for teacher. These moms own houses, and have lots of things I dont have. Are they paying full tuition? Mostvof them are not.

Im angry for them to bother me to ask me for money.

Even if you think I should give its not your job to tell me how to spend my money.

But my biggest issue is yes I can pay my bills bh bec I live very simply but if everyone paid more tuition then maybe the schools can afford to pay teaxhers more. So yes im not giving gifts but im paying more tution than most moms. And, yes, many times the schools are not using the increased tution to pay teachers more money.

But, you really dont have a right to stress me out texting my phone for solicitations. Its my cellphone which is for my private use and texting is for me to use to make my life easier, not for you to stress me out.

I really hate it when these classmoms who have nothing to do with me (except to bother me for money) text me for money. And, how did they get my cell number? I did a favor for a woman I know and maybe she gave them my number??? She texted my dh then others texted me. I helped her out and she begs me for money!!!

amother

Rose

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:18 pm

It's ok for them to ask once individually, via text or other means.
It's ok for you to say you won't be participating, or just not send money.

How do you know how much each family is paying in tuition? I can't seem to figure out how this is public knowledge to everyone but me.

happyone

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:40 pm

tuition and wedding gifts are not one and the same. higher pay rates wouldn't be in leu of gifting as hakaras hatov or at an occasion. simply respond that you will not be contributing at this time. period. end of story. You wont be the only one declining. Give the mom credit for making the calls. shes taking the time to be nice.

groisamomma

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:44 pm

To be a mentch, send her back one text telling her nicely that you won't be participating, then block her number. No one has to know the reasons why you choose not to give gifts. Your money is yours to spend, regardless of others' tuition status.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:50 pm

I hear you 100%. Some people feel it is very important to give end of the year present and will ask everyone to chip in. I have organized a chip in for teacher and assistant for nursery morahs, collecting 25 a kid and everyone gave happily for Chanuka. Personally, I give Chanuka and Purim but not end of the year!

On a different note, we have been chipping in for a fruit platter with 5 siblings for baby- shalom zachor or kiddush. One kollel yeshivish sibling made a comment that we shouldn't chip in 11. We should chip in 6-7. I should've responded,"You give what you can afford." Instead I explained that cheapest fruit platter cost x dollars and an extra 5 for delivery if needed and I took care of it and followed up if it got delivered and laid out the money and had to worry about getting money from everyone. After that comment, I got disgusted by chipping in although everyone else was always happy to give. So, my sister is making a bar mitzva and I will be sending a fruit platter from myself! It's the thought.

Chipping in is a sticky matter. Everyone pays different amounts for tuition and then the one who give generous to teacher or rebbi looks generous, meanwhile how much do they pay tuition?

This is a sticky business in most families! and everyone has different financial situations!
I was upset when asked to chip in 17 dollars for a baby kiddush that my sister in law ordered fancy cookies ! I think 10$ is enough! You have a right to be upset, but please don't lose sleep over it!

amother

Turquoise

Tue, May 21 2019, 11:51 pm

deleted

devash1

Wed, May 22 2019, 4:22 am

I'm having trouble understanding why you are so upset. I am happy when a mother arranges a class gift a class gift. Teachers work very hard and it is nice to show hakaras hatov. The mother that sends the messages and collects the money and spends her time find the gift is doing me a big favor.she is not doing it to ruin my day she is just trying to help with a class gift because if we were all together separate gift on our own it would be very expensive.
If you are not able to then that is totally understandable but you could just say in a nice way that you are not able to pitch in.

amother

Wed, May 22 2019, 6:30 am

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Thanks for this. You really sound like my sil who always asks me to chip in. But, I really dont like others telling me how to spend my money. Eventually she did get a gift herself. But, you did show understanding about the tuition issue and at the end of your post, you said you didn't feel 17$ is worth it to spend on fancy cookies. And that's my point that for all the ppl I would need to gift even $10 is a lot and I also don't like the gift they get.

I also know that I wouldn't be stingy about adding names of ppl who can't give. I dont care if my name is not added but there are plenty ppl I know who wrote everyone's name because everyone has different financial situation.

amother

Wed, May 22 2019, 6:33 am

happyone wrote:

Thanks for responding. I'm embarrassed to say no!! She didn't say we are giving a gift, can you pls contribute?? SHE DIDNT ASK!! SHE TOLD ME EVERYONE IS GIVING X AND YOU CAN PAY VIA....

No, that's Nice in my opinion. Also, call on my house phone for that. Not, on my cell via text.

amother

Lilac

Wed, May 22 2019, 6:44 am

it also gets sticky if you don't wantit to look bad for your kid. Teacher is getting present from x parents...
I see both sides not sure the answer.

amother

Wed, May 22 2019, 6:47 am

devash1 wrote:

First, I'm upset bec a few pppl texted us which doesn't sound understanding to me. It seems like a bill collector which makes me mad. At least, they shldsay if you can't do it, we understand.

Second, while clearly, my situation is different from yours (I mean I don't know ppl who dont have cleaning help....)...I really do want to understand this idea of gifts for hakarat hatov.

Is hakarat hatov only through gift/money??? If I showed hakarat hativ to all ppl who I "owe hakarat hatov" to with just $10, I'd literally be in debt. So many ppl on a regular basis do their jobs for uswhich benefit us. And, some ppl do jobs for free like a chesed girl""...

So, I say thank you. Is that enough?? The truth is I would want to pay back "" in services but that's impossible with all time I spend doing for my family. Regarding spouses, its easy to show appreciation by doing for them...bec they live together.

When I was single, I did many things for free but the money I didnt get didnt make me feel less hakarat hatov. I was poor and needed money but I was doing that chesed to help and I had to find jobs for money.

Am I "not fulfilling hakarat hatov" if I dont gift teachers??? I'm wondering..

Meanwhile, regardless, I dont like classmoms soliciting for money on my private phone. I dont like relatives or anyone telling me how to spend my money. If I had a lot of money, sure, I'd gift...but I still dont like others telling me "pay up, we are getting. ."...maybe bec I'm stressed from budgeting that adding these "seemingly small amounts" .....and since it seems everyone can afford what I dont have but then gets free lunch and low tuition, it bothers me. No, I'm not jealous of their things bec hashem will give me what he decides. But, if their parents bought them a house when I'm....who are they to tell me to "pay up"???" Yes, it bothers me....

No!! They don't sound understanding.
Because if they did, I wouldn't be as upset.

ces

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:14 am

Personally I would much prefer getting a text rather than a call for this, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. If you want to decline, it's easier by text. And the mother who is volunteering to do this is already spending time on it, it would be much more time consuming to call everyone instead of texting.

You definitely have the right to say you won't be participating, I don't think you have to read that much into how the request was worded.

monseymom25

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:20 am

OP I think that nowadays cell phones aren't considered more private than home phones, they are just the best way to reach someone. Many people dont have a home phone. Or if they do they may miss calls or messages. It's become acceptable, in most situations, to reach out to people on their cell. We all have the choice not to pick up if it's not a good time.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I understand this is upsetting but you need to calm down. This is a community norm (not just a specific community, non Jews do this as well). If you cant contribute then say no.
As regards to a "private line" 1. That doesn't exist anymore 2. That's literally what a private phone is for. To reach you for private matters 3. Everyone texts now. Also it's easier to say no when it's a text not a call
This is clearly really upsetting for you but dont blame it on the mother who is doing a favor to the class for collecting.
Text back: so sorry. Cant contribute this year.

Then that's it. If she continues to harass you then that's a different story

amother

Aubergine

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:28 am

If you feel bad not chipping in but want to recognize the teacher, you and your child can write a hand written thank you note. It would be well appreciated.

You can always reply to the class moms "I've already planned to give the teacher something personal, but thank you for including me."

Iymnok

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:35 am

For end-of-the-year or Chanukah/Purim gifts, send back a message that you are doing something personal.
It gets more tricky for a wedding or baby gift. Maybe give them a smaller amount in a sealed envelope and verbally thank them for their effort.

I have seen that when it’s a mother of an oldest, she often doesn’t realize that we are also getting something for five other kids' teachers and it adds up quickly.

You have no obligation to participate and she has no excuse to dislike you for it.

amother

Taupe

Wed, May 22 2019, 7:38 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

There are forms that have to be filed by the schools. Take the income from tuition and divide by the number of kids. That gives you the average. I learned about this form from imamother and was able to access it online. Or do like I do and ask the CFO the numbers.

ra_mom

Wed, May 22 2019, 8:16 am

You can send a reply saying thank you for reaching out. I won't be contributing to the gift but would love to offer to contribute by writing out the thank you card to the teacher.

amother

Rose

Wed, May 22 2019, 8:46 am

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

That doesn't tell me which families are paying a reduced rate, and by how much.

(This is totally irrelevant anyway. Someone's tuition reduction is not what's allowing them to give $50 towards their children's class gifts at the end of the year. )

mommyhood

Wed, May 22 2019, 8:52 am

Our school has rules for class mothers collecting. Max 2 messages, no stalking and the initial message makes it clear it’s optional and the amount is a suggestion. I’ve been a class mother and the feedback is usually very positive. There are always mother’s who don’t respond but I don’t think into why.

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