Texting me for money! leave me alone

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

Previous 1 2 3 4 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Coffee

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:06 pm

little neshamala wrote:

OP this resonated with me.
Obviously you'll get a whole bunch of reaponses assuring you that "of COURSE its not only through gifts and money, and a lovely card is FINE...."yadda yadda

I happen to believe the above myself.

But it seems that its so accepted to show teachers hakaras hatov with money and gifts chanuka time, purim time, end of the year...its a shame that its such a standard thing. It makes it really really difficult for someone else to show hakaras hatov with "just" a heartfelt thank you.

a heartfelt thank-you does more for the recipient than a class gift that is basically expected.

amother

Aqua

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:13 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

budgeting - is balancing your income and expenses.

If you don't have the money in your budget for gifts - so you don't have.

People who plan these things look at all their expenses - and make adjustments so they can spend where its important to them. Many people simply don't have enough for basics, forget gifts. That's where tomchei shabbos etc. comes in.

I don't disagree with you.

But the poster (OP?) said, " you dont understand budgeting bec maybe you dont have to watch spending." But "budgeting" isn't just "watching spending," and esp not "watching CURRENT spending." Its planning in advance for upcoming expenses.

amother

Olive

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:16 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

a heartfelt thank-you does more for the recipient than a class gift that is basically expected.

As a teacher I strongly agree with this.

Also in my community usually only $5 is asked per teacher. (Still adds up bec each class has 3 teachers, so $15 per kid, x6 kids let’s say, and parent is paying $90 both on Chanuka & again at end of year. Not a huge amount, but for families struggling it is.)

little neshamala

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:21 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

a heartfelt thank-you does more for the recipient than a class gift that is basically expected.

I agree 100%. Im just pointing out that its difficult for many to have "the guts" necessary to skip what is now considered a standard.

Many people (rightfully) dont like singling themselves out, especially when it comes to their child's teacher

amother

Coffee

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:23 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

I agree with you.

southernbubby

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:25 pm

Maybe it's better for each family to be on their own for gifts and if a few people want to get together and get something nicer, that is their option.
It is one of those "mitzvahs" where someone might mean well but might be harming or embarrassing some people.
It would be better to send out a general request that whoever wants to be part of the group gift can chip in.

amother

Coffee

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:26 pm

little neshamala wrote:

I hear you.

I also think teachers (like federal employees) should not be permitted to accept gifts - other than perhaps at the end of the year.

SixOfWands

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First if they call and give an option to opt out, fine, but otherwise yes "it is wrong and nasty to force me." Obviously you disagree. And, yes they are harassing me, just like a poster wrote above that yes, the school officials or other classmoms did tell her to call again and again.

I dont have to think about how much time it takes for classmoms to call. They are choosing to call ppl for money. They could just give a gift on their own but dont want to spend a lot so instead they want others to add money. They chose to call.

Third, you wrote above that why would I expect teachers not to get paid. Well, that's exactly my point. I work hard and pay very high tuition. This is so that the teachers should get paid a salary. Where did I say teachers shouldn't get paid??? You misunderstood my point about chesed. Maybe if I paid very little tuition and paid for a house, cleaning help...etc (that these others have) then the schools would not be paying the teachers from my money.

Last, your point about owning a house but having medication copays or a dh on disability or....I agree that everyone may have bills I dont know about. But, if they have the chutzpa to ask me for money for each kids teachers for each time of year, its a lot, so obviously they must not be struggling as much. If they are, why they pressuring me as if they can't relate to pressure of bills.

OP, I think you're overwrought.

I certainly didn't say that its OK to be nasty to you and to try to force you to do something that you don't want to do. You don't want to participate in a class gift? That's fine. Text back "I'm not participating." People did that when I was class mom. I didn't stop to analyze their standard of living or expenses; I moved on. (Although if they did say "I can't afford ..." I did tell them that if they wanted to participate, any sum was fine.)

And yes, they will continue texting until you respond yes or no. People forget. Or texts go missing. They want to make sure you got it. Or, frankly, they forgot that you had responded, and sent the text by mistake. Don't attribute bad motives to people unless its clear. And if it is clear -- as I said, tell them one last time. Then ignore them.

Of course, the class mom could give her own gift. But its kinda the job of class mom to organize a CLASS gift.

And, again, stop counting other people's money. You don't know what they spend, or why they spend it. You don't know that they don't value giving a teacher an end of year gift over whatever it is that you spend your money on. Figure out your own budget, and don't worry about others, and certainly don't attack others for making decisions different from your own.

nechamashifra

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:27 pm

Quote:

No I will not out myself and embarress myself and say I'm not giving and I won't call the school. I'll just deal with the pressure( writing here helps) and ignore. Let them think what they wont but I dont need to embarrass myself. Its embarrassing enough in my situation that I have to...

There is nothing embarrassing with responding "Thank you so much for organizing but I won't be participating. Thanks again!"
Not participating could mean that you want to provide your own thank you gift but either way when you say "let them think what they want", they're not thinking anything other than "I wonder if op got the message, I didn't get a response...I'm going to have to text her again as I don't want to leave anyone out".

Look at it this way: class mothers are doing us all a service by offering to collect the money and buy a gift from all of us. It's a favour. It's nice of them. You don't need to participate but not responding is just creating more work for them. And that wouldn't be very nice.

amother

Aqua

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:30 pm

little neshamala wrote:

OTOH, they may only be "singling themselves out" to the class mom. IME, the gift is said to come from everyone, whether or not the family gave.

There was once a teacher who was so far beyond incompetent that she should have been permanently banned from teaching (and, in fact, was fired just a couple of years after my DD1 had her). I had to argue with the class mom to remove our names from the gift, although we didn't contribute.

little neshamala

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:33 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

I hear you.

I also think teachers (like federal employees) should not be permitted to accept gifts - other than perhaps at the end of the year.

This! I work in healthcare and we are not allowed to accept gifts from patients and families. Legally. It falls under the idea of us being subconsciously bribed to take better care of those familes.

I really think this can apply to teachers too. Maybe a gift at the end of the year, but the ones during the school year are really questionable.

little neshamala

Wed, May 22 2019, 1:37 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

On our class gifts they only put the names of those who chipped in.

My sister was an assistant once and she watched the teacher go through the list of names, and then say "hmmmm. Rosenberg's the only one who didnt participate"

So yeah, Rosenberg (who I know to be dirt poor and also not in the best place mentally,on the receiving end of multiple chessed committees) singled herself (and her child!)out.

amother

Aqua

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:08 pm

little neshamala wrote:

Interesting. Obviously different schools have different practices. (And the teacher wasn't very nice, either.)

But in any case, whether the OP tells the class mom she's not participating, or passive-aggressively ignores the texts while complaining about being "harassed," the class mom is eventually going to figure out she's not participating. So just woman up and text that they've decided not to participate, have a great summer.

amother

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:23 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

I AGREE WITH THIS. HOW DO THE CLASMOMS KNOW WHO IS TAKING TOMCHEI SHABBOS AND CANT BUDGET GIFTS?? its unfair pressure! It should be a message "anyone who wants to give can contribute..."
Not "we are giving a gift and everyone should give x amount..."

amother

Rose

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you're reading waaaay too much into these texts. And for some reason they're eliciting a very emotional response in you, whereas most people just shoot off a polite text in return and move right along.

amother

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:35 pm

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

I hear you.

I also think teachers (like federal employees) should not be permitted to accept gifts - other than perhaps at the end of the year.

In public schools, teachers are not allowed to accept gifts. Its considered a conflict of interest.

amother

Cyan

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In public schools, teachers are not allowed to accept gifts. Its considered a conflict of interest.

Is that new? I went to public school and never did a teacher turn down a gift. My parents always sent me with a holiday gift for each teacher in December.

SixOfWands

Wed, May 22 2019, 2:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In public schools, teachers are not allowed to accept gifts. Its considered a conflict of interest.

That's not true.

For example, Massachusetts permits individual gifts of up to $50 w/ disclosure, and class gifts of up to $150 w/o disclosure.

And in NYC, "Teachers may accept class gifts as long as parents are not asked to contribute more than a small amount of money towards the gift and all parents are given an opportunity to sign the card, whether or not they contribute to the gift."

Fox

Wed, May 22 2019, 3:03 pm

I completely understand where the OP is coming from. When you're struggling, the casual attitude displayed by a class mother toward giving "just" $5 can tip you over the edge. BTDT!

It's a bit of a circular problem. The women who have the time and energy to serve as class mothers are often the ones who are more financially comfortable. And no matter how grounded they believe themselves to be, $5 means something different to them than to someone who is digging through her freezer in hopes there's a stray chicken for Shabbos or davening that she can pay the electric bill before the lights are shut off.

And if the class mother is by nature a little abrupt or brusque? It's a disaster in the making.

But a partial solution to this problem is easy.

Every school needs to come up with a one-page, attractively formatted guide to being a class mother. The school can delineate the specific jobs, including organizing gifts, etc. And one of items should be a reminder to be sensitive to people of differing economic means.

Something like this:

Quote:

Please remember that our parents vary greatly in their financial resources. While you may ask for contributions to class gifts, be sure to word your requests sensitively, and do not argue or pressure parents. Sparing another Jew embarrassment is the most valuable gift your child's teacher could receive.

Of course, that won't stop every determined class mom, but it's amazing how well people respond to a little instruction.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, May 22 2019, 3:28 pm

Wow OP. A lot of what I'm thinking has already been said here but I'm going to respond as a class mom collecting money for teacher's gifts.

I text and do not call to save myself the massive hassle of making 24 phone calls and to give you to opportunity to decline in a much less confrontational way.

If you are stretched to thin to give a $10 gift to your child's teachers ($10 total, meaning $2.50 for each of the 4 teachers) then I am sorry and would never ever judge or bully you into giving it. Please just say you won't be participating this year.

But this whole rant again the mom (hi, I work and have kids and have a lot of commitments but am collecting money because no one else volunteered to and trust me, I'd rather be reading a book) is nasty.

And then you go on to say that these mothers live in houses and don't pay full tuition!? What on earth. Do you know who pays full tuition? Who gets a small break? A big break? If you have all of this information then you are probably part of the school administration and I hope that you are getting some kind of end of the year gift too for all of your hard work.

Signed - a reluctant class mother who has a house and cleaning help and pays full tuition for every child and still knows what it means to be on a tight budget and struggle sometimes.

Page 3 of 4

Previous 1 2 3 4 Next