Having alot of children affecting your looks

amother

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 10:55 am

I live in Lakewood and I started having this feeling among women in Lakewood and it's making me think. I don't know if it's just in Lakewood or if it's everywhere. I feel very shallow for thinking this way as I never did so please don't bash me. I feel that in Lakewood it's a lot about looking your best, looking skinny, wearing pretty clothing etc. I'm expecting my 3rd kid and I always wanted to have a large family but as I think of it it's hard because I also wanna feel and look good and when I am pregnant/postpartum you cant exactly look so thin. I look around at the women I am referring to and they are the ones that have long breaks between their kids or small families. I am not judging I am just looking for thoughts on this and if anyone feels the same way as me.

Thanks!

groovy1224

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 10:59 am

I can't really make heads or tails of your post. What are you saying? Women that want to look glamorous space their kids out because they don't look as good when pregnant or postpartum? Okay..?

Yeah, it's harder to put yourself together when you are having babies. It's harder to stay thin, it's harder to keep your clothes clean, it's harder to get some makeup on, it's harder to keep your eyes open, the list goes on and on.

Just not sure what your point is?

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:00 am

I have the same impression. The more put together mother’s are also nicer to other women because they’re not so unhappy with themselves. It’s not always true but it is plenty of times.

This may be part pregnancy talk for you.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:02 am

Well, I know someone (relative of a relative) who has 15 children B"AH. She's a grandmother many times over. She looks amazing and could probably pass for at least 15 years younger. She always looks classy and put together, and is also quite pretty looking too.

My mother A"H was an only child, and my memories of my grandmother (who was a wonderful woman) is of her looking old and frail. And she passed away at age 60.

So no, I don't agree with your presumption here.

amother

Plum

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm trying to say that I think it's a very secular way of thinking because we as Jews are supposed to build families not being busy with externals. Just wondering if anyone has the same feeling as me..

You're making a whole lot of assumptions about entire groups of people and their reasons for family planning.

allthingsblue

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:08 am

I highly doubt people are spacing their kids for looks.
I space my kids for my sanity and health, and for theirs too. A side benefit is the ability to get back to myself with proper exercise and nutrition (which actually does fall into the health category, not looks).
Looking nice is a side benefit.

allthingsblue

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And I just see myself gaining more weight with each kid so makes me think 'hey maybe I should have less kids so I can look better' Does anyone get it??

How long did you wait between each pregnancy? Is that's REALLY the ONLY thing that makes you want to space your kids? You're not worried about coping with many little ones, or having enough sleep to feel functional, or maintaining a calm happy atmosphere at home?

groovy1224

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And I just see myself gaining more weight with each kid so makes me think 'hey maybe I should have less kids so I can look better' Does anyone get it??

Lots of factors go in to different people's spacing decisions. It isn't for anyone else to tell you that that is or isn't a valid reason to have less kids.

Before I had kids, I was super thin without trying at all. Now it's a big battle to keep weight off, and that's with me eating relatively cleanly. So yeah, it's harder to look good after having kids. That doesn't personally factor into my decisions but I could understand why it would for someone else

amother

Wine

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:16 am

This is OLD NEWS. Remember the story of how Tamar ended up with Yehuda?

I think it's a testament to a mix of genes, personal discipline and support (like a team of people/ services behind you) when there are women who look as you propose while having children.

Be wary that spacing your children out may or may not help, because you grow older each day. The older the mother, the more challenging the reversal of the pregnancy effects.
Gravity and age will catch up with you regardless of whether you had babies in your late 30s or 40s.

Frankly, the best preserved women are those who never had pregnancies. The most beautiful (the way OP describes it) one will be is prior to stress and responsibility where others rely on you. Perhaps on your wedding day?

I'm not sure which contest you want to win. There is beauty as a woman matures, has children, etc. Since you already seem to have children, it's time for you to evaluate what you think is beautiful and how much effort you want to give this. This is a VERY tough time for all of us, and includes a real mourning period, either for the image of beauty, or for the carefree life and no need for discipline to maintain beauty. Something will have to give.

This is called maturity. You'll either have to let go of your image of beauty, or commit to striving for it. Neither choice will be easy, and either choice requires courage and commitment.

tsc3

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:36 am

Bh I've had multiple pregnancies and personally I feel at my prettiest during pregnancy. I love a cute pregnancy belly. I am average weight but very tall and I don't gain much weight during pregnancy, but have a hard time losing even the little I do gain afterwards. During pregnancy my face is at its slimmest too...

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:45 am

Chayalle wrote:

Great that this woman looks great. Some women do. They have a skinny gene. Or they work insanely hard to lose their weight. Or they work out a lot.
I think OP's point is, what if it doesn't come naturally? What if you don't have the means/time to work out, because something has to give so it'll be the gym? (And there's some time to exercise at home but not much.) So you put yourself together as best as you can, and you know a smile is your best accessory, and most important, your husband is the man in the following story: Someone said in a hesped for a friend who was baffled that somebody had called him and asked him what to do because he didn't find his wife attractive. The niftar told the friend giving the hesped, "I don't understand. How is the mother of your children not the most beautiful woman in the world?"

tigerwife

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 11:56 am

Beauty goes so beyond the shape of your body. A beautiful smile, well styled hair, fabulous clothes- these will make you look stunning no matter how many post-partum pounds you have left to lose. I personally think most pregnant women look stunning and glowy. Maternity fashion can be really nice today, too.

I don’t think most frum people space their kids so that they look good. But I do think that some women who are overwhelmed with many little children can struggle to function and their appearance usually won’t take priority. There is a difference.

ShishKabob

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:05 pm

I actually can understand where you're coming from. It's definitely a struggle.
What you can count on is that you'll definitely be getting older and looking older at one point or the other. I think looking younger is a gift from Hashem. I don't think it has to do with the amount of kids that a person gives birth to.
You may want to commit to a certain diet and exercise regimen to make sure that you stay fit and trim up to the point where it's in your hands.
I don't think that a big family and a nice figure are mutually exclusive.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:09 pm

I live in Lakewood. I have 4 kids under 11 which isn’t a lot here. I look really good since my youngest is 4.
It’s a bonus to a horrible situation in which I can’t get pregnant right now due to circumstances. I might not have another baby because of this circumstance. So let me have my amazing figure and enjoy your non stop babies.

Israeli_C

Thu, Jun 27 2019, 12:15 pm

Am I the only one who honestly doesn't care? My post partum 'pooch' doesn't bother me one bit. DH finds me attractive and that's all that matters to me. When I think of all the amazing things my body has gone through, birthing big healthy babies (and even twins!!) I don't look at the stretch marks, varicose veins or excess skin. I look at myself and say "daaaang girl, you're a miracle maker!!" Tongue Out

Well, not exactly, but I think my body has done some awesome things and the externals are just... externals!