How to get my children to..

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:33 am

Be helpful without my constant asking/ reminders?
Is that even possible?
My 11 year old loves to sit on the couch reading all day and all night . The room is flying , her newborn baby brother is screaming . Her 3 younger brothers are chasing each other around the house and my daughter is oblivious to what’s happening!
Am I expecting too much of her?
I do have my older boys clean the toys before bedtime every night..

How can I get my oldest daughter to be helpful and not a couch potato.
Thanks.

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:35 am

You need some kind of system. A spaced out kid will not take initiative, it's just not her nature and is totally normal.
Talk with her about specific responsibilities or work with her to make a job chart. Make sure the work isn't mostly dumped on her because she's a girl. Do the same for the boys. Just make sure all the tasks are age appropriate.
Also, it's not her job to deal with a crying newborn.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:41 am

Why is it her responsibility that your other kids are running wild?

Give her some specific jobs, and ask her occasionally to hold the baby or step in when you need it in the moment, but she's not your coparent. It's not her job to notice what's going on and jump in.

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:49 am

Your both right . It was a very long shobbas today.
But I definitely will give everyone specific jobs to help out around the house, especially since I have a newborn baby and my house is still hectic..
And no It’s not like she does too much..
She set the shobbas table , my 9 yr. old cleared off the table and my 6 yr. old swept up.. she did lay down and read her book while laying down with my 3 year old in the afternoon..

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:06 am

I would love for her to be more attuned to what’s going on. If the newspapers are all over the living room right where she’s sitting to make them into a pile?
She just doesn’t see it..
Or she’s in the kitchen and there’s a snack bag that spilled all over the floor to sweep it up..
Truth is, none of my kids see messes..

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:10 am

OP, 11 is a bit too young to be attuned and realize herself what needs to be done. She's a child, why should she care that the newspapers are not in a pile or there's snack spilled? You need to give her specific tasks to do.

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:14 am

Agree, she's just a kid, not a housewife, it's not her job to make sure things run smoothly and every mess is spotted and cleaned up right away. Not age appropriate. Your expectations are too high. I mean, I could see the complaint if you were talking about your husband ignoring a spilled snack bag or messy newspapers. Not an 11 year old.

smileyone

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:24 am

Children (like husbands) dont often realize that their help is needed. Ask her for her help, praise her when she does help. Reward her if she does an exceptionally good job. Good luck!

bobeli

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:26 am

I disagree with all the posters that said she is too young. I'm going to guess you are all from the USA.
I have the same thing with my kids, they can walk past an object on the floor and not pick it up.
I think they should be proactive and attuned to what's happening.
If the baby is screaming she should go make an adult aware or try to calm him down until someone comes, which I'm sure will be a few minutes.
How is a 11 year old to young to clean a snack from the floor? If left there it will be more of a mess later.
its just been aware, you are not asking her to mop every time something spills but if you see something, do something.
I think it's part of the entitled culture in this generation and more so in ny

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:34 am

Bobeli, that's the attitude my mother had when I was raised. Led to a lot of frustration, yelling, and anger on my mother's part. A lot of bad memories on my part. Sure, she was overwhelmed. But I bore the brunt of it.

I know plenty of people my age who agree. I think attitudes like that (plus tuition ) are major reasons why many young mothers of today are choosing to limit family size.

Not worth it, imo. Maybe op needs to realize that,yes, when you have young children plus a newborn, things will be flying a little bit.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:43 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

...,She set the shobbas table , my 9 yr. old cleared off the table and my 6 yr. old swept up.. she did lay down and read her book while laying down with my 3 year old in the afternoon..

That’s more than my kids (same ages) do! Maybe my 6 year old would sweep since he likes to clean but my 11 year old would not be able to set the whole table herself. My 9 year old would kvetch and probably just walk away if I gave her the job of cleaning the whole table..,, she tries to get away with the easy job of taking all the dips all the table and covering the containers. I can’t imagine she could do the whole table! Lucky you!

salt

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 2:29 am

And just to put things in proportion - great that she's reading. Many parents would love their kids to read books.
In fact, if my child was sitting quietly reading, I might urge them to go to bed if it was getting late, but I probably would not disturb them in order to ask them to help clear up.

camp123

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 2:58 am

You can expect an eleven year old to clean up after herself. You can't expect her to clean up after her siblings. She didn't choose to have the kids and they are not her responsibility. Teach her to clean up after herself and give her age appropriate tasks in the house that are relevant to her. For example, set the table.
Otherwise let her be a kid, she'll have her turn to be the mother iyH.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 3:44 am

salt wrote:

THIS.

Eventually kids will learn how to help out and be more aware, but reading is an essential skill that they need to get while they are young.

I know a family who's kids were helpful, but none of them were passing English, and they all hated reading. Dyslexia runs in the family, and all the kids struggled. Then Harry Potter came along, and suddenly they were reading. Sure, they weren't as helpful anymore, and had to be dragged away from books, but the parents were thrilled that their kids were finally not afraid to pick up a book anymore. Their grades improved, and everyone was happier in the long run.

If you were talking about a kid addicted to video games, I'd back you 100%, but reading is awesome!

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:51 am

OP, I feel bad for your daughter. You sound very overwhelmed, have too much on your plate, and I'm sorry about that. But these are your adult choices- to have many young children, a newborn that needs to be cared for, etc.
This is not her responsibility. She is a child, and should not be expected to be a co-parent or mini grown up. Being immersed in a book and oblivious to the chaos is a good thing- she is doing what a child should be doing- having a childhood.
Please consider the effects of your choices on you children and don't take your anger or frustration at your overwhelming life situation out on her

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 8:39 am

I think the bigger issue ( which you didn’t mention) is where is your husband?
My husband does not like newborns or fighting, kvetchy children. Granted he is busy earning a living and keeping up with his learning, but I explained to him that it’s basic menschlachkeit; basic middos to help me when he sees I need help. With many men you have to be specific and tell them exactly what to do. I told my husband that I cannot get the younger ones into bed if the baby is screaming. His job was 1- BE HERE
2- hold the baby during bedtime so he doesn’t scream

With an 11 year old girl, I would ask her from time to time “ Fraidy, Moishy spilled his snack bag. Can you please take the broom and sweep it up”? Thank her profusely. Tell her how much it means to you when she helps you keep the house neat. Then let her go back to her book or friend. You can’t expect her to be attuned enough to take over.

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 8:42 am

Don’t worry everyone, she plays and gets lots of reading time too.! And yes, the biggest incentive for her to help out lekovod shobbas is we reserve books online from the library. Every week I pick up her reserved books..
So yes prob. My fault too bec. I do encourage and get her those new exciting books.