Normal sibling rivalry vs. scary violence

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Azure

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:17 pm

You’ve gotten good advice so far so all I want to add is that everyone seems to be focusing on ds9. I think ds6 could also have some issues and I think he should be evaluated also for impulsivity.
He’s younger than your 9 yr old so his issues are less severe but repeatedly punching his brother and saying he wants to send him to the hospital is extreme.

bigsis144

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:19 pm

I wish I had time to respond to each post individually- you have no idea what your words of encouragement mean to me!

Shabbos is always difficult, but going in to it with y’all at my side helps me so much.

❤️❤️❤️

amother

Emerald

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:26 pm

You need emergency care ASAP. Are you in brooklyn ? Call Ohel in Monday morning and ask fro the mobile outreach team. Your child needs an evaluation and possible hospitalization -
Sorry you are going thru this. I am glad you are able to see his issues and help him thru the each and every day.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:40 pm

just want to echo all the posters here
and send you best wishes to you and your whole family for health and hatzlocha

Stars

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:42 pm

First of all, mazel tov on your baby! (I feel like I "know" you)

Secondly, this post was very painful to read. This is in no way a normal situation at all. I'm awed at how you are still standing after all that.

You say psychiatrists have no openings. I'm thinking out loud and correct me if my idea is way off base, but is there a ER you could bring him to and have them admit him? Nothing about him being around you or your other kids is safe, especially the knife story scares me and I don't get scared very easily.

Sending many many hugs your way. A difficult child can shred a mother to bits and this is way past just a difficult situation.

Stars

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:44 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

DS6 just seems to be tortured and traumatized by DS9, that is why everyone is focusing on the older boy.

rae

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:52 pm

I know a family where the boys were like this and the nurtured heart approach really helped them. Maybe you and your husband can go for an evaluation before you start the nightmare journey of psychiatric meds.

amother

Cerulean

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:52 pm

I don't think this is normal 'boys will be boys' kind of things going on. You do sound like you are working hard and dealing with the situation as it is rather than denying or hiding under a rock (as I can only imagine you wish you could.)

Reading your posts, the thing that jumped out at me was that it sounds like you ds9 has a lower sense of self-worth. Obviously, I don't know you or your family. Does that ring true for you at all?

I have one super-challenging child, 8 yrs old,out of control and behaviors that I would NOT consider normal sibling rivalry. Therapy has not been too helpful. I'm now reading a book called "Giving the Love that Heals" by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. I'm finding myself nodding my head in agreement with so much of what I'm reading.

It isn't like a typical parenting book, like do this and don't do that. I also cried when I read The Explosive Child. It was too much, I felt too hopeless. My child doesn't need more conversations or techniques. We are way past all of that. I've read so many parenting books and this is the first one that really resonates with me. I hope it can be helpful to you too.

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:32 pm

Is DS9 the oldest?

To me, this screams of RAD which oldests are particularly susceptible to (and can occur without the major trauma ppl often think u need). Check out Aaron Lederer (Taming the Wild Child) and see if it resonates.

studying_torah

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:43 pm

I agree about a good psychiatric or neuropsychiatric evaluation & meds asap.
There are also therapeutic schools that can make a huge difference to a child like this.
(Not necessarily jewish; not sure how you feel about that.)

aricelli

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:07 pm

Hugs hugs hugs hugs. I know what this feels like. I just wanted to wish you all the best in finding the help you need. And make sure part of that help is great guidance and hand holding for you and your dh so that you shouldnt feel so helpless. Gut shabbos- I’ll be thinking of you.

bigsis144

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:15 pm

To the people recommending the ER - I hope I didn’t give the impression that all of this happened in the past 24 hours! If so, if all of this came out of nowhere all at once, it would be so much clearer that urgent crisis intervention is needed.

These incidents (and more) have all happened in the last several months, and are the continuation of a pattern that’s been growing for years. It’s the scattered days of relative respite that make me doubt myself - maybe that was the last outburst? Maybe he’ll finally feel secure and loved enough to tell me what is going on inside his head? Maybe he just needs to be reminded 902 times not to squeeze the baby’s head and be redirected to only touch her gently before it just clicks? Maybe maybe maybe...

(And always, always in my head - maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe I made him like this. Maybe this is what parenting is like for everyone and I’m just a failure. Maybe maybe maybe...
stay in therapy, folks!

Stars

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:23 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I should have made it clearer. I understood that these things have been going on over months and years. But getting him admitted to a psychiatric unit might be the fastest way out of everyone's misery (I'm very concerned about you and your younger son).

Oh and it's NOT. YOUR. FAULT. It seems to me that there is chemical imbalance and/or past or present abuse that you (and even he) are not aware of.

dena613

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:23 pm

It is still to extreme, even over a bunch of months.
I don't know about the ER- PM the ima who was qualified to help.

It is NOT you! It's your son.
You are a wonderful woman, a mother who is trying so hard, who has a child with "issues".
Positive affirmations to yourself!! Self talk!!!

amother

Royalblue

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:24 pm

I think the recommendation of the er is as a way into treatment.

Dd was self harming and taking her to the er was the best thing we did. It got her evaluated (she was already seeing a therapist), hooked up with a psychiatrist and behavioral and therapeutic support she needed. (She was admitted to a partial hospital program).

Ds is not a risk of harming himself, but he is a risk to others. Going through the er, or a mobile response will set the wheels in motion to get him the help he needs.

(Anon for dd's privacy)

imasinger

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:28 pm

I have a lot to say.

And Shabbos is coming.

So, al regel achas, you're doing a whole lot right.

Keep looking for moments to praise. (If you haven't done what amother Cerulean mentioned, Harville Hendrix is well worth reading and following for kids like this.)

Another book that can be extremely helpful is The Behavior Code, by Jessica Minahan.

At the end of each day, try to remind yourself of at least one victorious moment where each child did the right thing. Then, think about what might be the triggers for the explosions. Whenever possible, write down what was happening just before the problem moment, what happened, and what happened afterwards ("ABC data"). Eventually, patterns will emerge. Professionals can help.

Given your DH's diagnosis, I'd ask for a reevaluation (from a top expert) for DS 9 and an evaluation for DS 6.

Hatzlacha!

dena613

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:29 pm

A shabbos suggestion:
Can your husband take him to shul?
Can he take him for a walk in the afternoon, weather permitting, so you can have a break from the DS9?

Take care of yourself, bigsis!
Good shabbos!!

trixx

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:36 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

To the people recommending the ER - I hope I didn’t give the impression that all of this happened in the past 24 hours! If so, if all of this came out of nowhere all at once, it would be so much clearer that urgent crisis intervention is needed.

These incidents (and more) have all happened in the last several months, and are the continuation of a pattern that’s been growing for years. It’s the scattered days of relative respite that make me doubt myself - maybe that was the last outburst? Maybe he’ll finally feel secure and loved enough to tell me what is going on inside his head? Maybe he just needs to be reminded 902 times not to squeeze the baby’s head and be redirected to only touch her gently before it just clicks? Maybe maybe maybe...

[I](And always, always in my head - maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe I [b]made him like this. Maybe this is what parenting is like for everyone and I’m just a failure. Maybe maybe maybe...
stay in therapy, folks![/I][/b]

I hope you know it's not your fault. He's too young for his behavior to be a result of parenting. Like he's just pure enough that there's clearly something wrong. A little older and we do the whole Freudian thing if it makes you feel better to take the blame. But this is a problem thst you haven't caused.

amother

Puce

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 7:05 pm

Dear OP
I definitely validate your concerns and kudos to you to working hard on getting your children the help they need.
Please don't blame yourself or your parenting skills for this. Some children have serious issues and it is in no way the fault of their parents.
that being said, in the immediate future until your son can improve, there are physical safety precautions that must be made to keep your 6 year old and especially your baby safe.
Take all dangerous stuff including knives, can openers, matches, dangerous chemicals/detergents, medications, gas lighters, etc.. and immediately lock them up in a safe place that only you are grown adults have the key for and carry the key with you at all times. When something similar happened to me, and we were unprepared, we locked everything into our bedroom temporarily until we were able to install locks on all the cabinets which takes more time. Also, now that you know your DS9 may be a danger to the baby it is imperative to never leave the baby out of your arms or immediate arm's reach, and when you really really need to put the baby down the baby needs to be locked away in a room where DS9 has no access to him/her. Of course babies can't be alone like that for any extended time so this is only for very short periods like if you need a bathroom break or you need to run answer the door bell. Also, try as much as possible to immediately physically break up fights before you even figure out who did what or what's going on and stay there physically separating them until all children calm down. In your case this may be very hard to do since you are possibly holding a baby at the same time so I don't know how feasible this is. At least try to stay in the same room as your 6 year old as much as possible so you can observe what's happening and see if he is not being hurt.
I hope this post does not come across as harsh. I really feel for you very much and have been in a similar situation myself before.
will try to post more after Shabbos.
Also, you do need to beware of ACS and I think going for crisis evaluation is not a bad idea, as another poster mentioned

amother

Violet

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 7:34 pm

This may sound radical, but would it make sense to remove him from the house temporarily (perhaps to stay with grandparents) until he’s got this under control? It sounds like it’s not safe for the other kids and turning you into a nervous wreck.

Page 3 of 9

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next