Bungalow takanas | Imamother

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Bungalow takanas

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southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:11 am

I am familiar with a couple of colonies. Colony #1 has the constant loud hum of those expensive rechargable electric kiddie cars and other battery powered riding toys such as scooters. When the high priced ice cream man rolls in, the kids flock to him and the parents can't say "no".
Colony #2 has an agreement among the parents that only kid powered riding toys are allowed and they patronize the ice cream truck twice a week, rather than almost every day because they want their kids to respect limits and not because they can't afford it because many probably could. They deliberately are trying to squelch competitive consumption and don't want their colony to be a place where there is pressure to keep up with the neighbors.
It's a shame that the non-competitive spirit doesn't spread to other colonies or to the community in general.

Mrs.K

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:20 am

I think the concept of takanos are just sad. It used to be, back in the day, our parents told us no and we had to learn how to handle disappointment, even when, 'everyone else has it'. We didn't need wedding takanos because we were raised that you do what you can afford, and obviously, the wealthier person is able to spend more than the less wealthy person, and that's okay.

Only nowadays do we need a rule to tell someone that they may not do something that I can't afford because I'll either feel bad or go into debt lest the neighbors talk. Only nowadays am I ruining my child's self esteem and only hope for a good shidduch by saying, 'no, you had ice cream yesterday' or, 'I have a nice tub of ice cream from Costco in the freezer.'

Sigh. Millennials.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:31 am

Mrs.K wrote:

Yes and no. Our rules for simple funerals (plain wooden box outside of Israel, simple shrouds etc) came about because 1800 years ago, everyone had to keep up with the Joneses and have a fancy funeral. So the rabbis stepped in.

But it's a sad world if we outsource all our decision making.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:55 am

Schools make standards e.g. plain folders, knee socks, etc. for similar reasons.
I think that if the feeling among the bungalow parents is that this is healthy for their kids, I don't feel it's such a tragic sign of the times if they make some rules.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:57 am

Sometimes I feel like I'm living on a different planet here oot. We have all kinds of people with a huge range of financial means. The rich ones do rich people stuff and the poor ones do poor people stuff and everyone in between makes choices according to their priorities. We have never had takanos in any area, and people would think it's the strangest thing if it was suggested. Are we all just so much more mature and confident than people in places where they make takanos for stuff like ice cream trucks? I sincerely cannot relate to this life.

amother

Gray

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:04 am

Sometimes the takanos are for the parents not the kids.

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:07 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

I spent the first 64 years of my life in OOT communities before moving to Monsey, which seems to be "in town" by comparison. OOT meant that some homes on the block were non-Jewish, non frum, or from a variety of frum persuasions. The block was not really a community.
A bungalow colony is an intentional community and people buy or rent among those who follow their minhagim and other similarities. Their children are potential shidduchim for yours.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:27 am

What a sorry state we are in when takanos need to be made about bikes and ice cream trucks. Smh. In my bungalow colony there are dozens of kids riding around on motor bikes. My kids are dying to have one too. I told them no. No takanas needed.
Stop with the communism mentality. Everybody start thinking for yourself.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:31 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I agree wholeheartedly.

salt

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:39 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Are you one of the rich, poor or in-between?

chestnut

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:44 am

I have no problem with a bungalow colony making this decision. Good for them; it just makes their parenting easier. No lack of individualism. They have plenty of opportunities to say No when others say Yes outside of the bungalow.
Wedding takanos is a different matter as it's on a communal level.

Last edited by chestnut on Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:46 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Seashell

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:44 am

salt wrote:

Are you one of the rich, poor or in-between?

In between. BH. Closer to the poor side.

watergirl

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:44 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I say this all the time on here. What else can you expect when some communities start from a young age with "my child deserves to have what everyone else has"? It's a cycle.

Baby is born, get the same stroller as everyone else, with the same stroller blankets and those things (I have no idea what they are called but I saw them everywhere in Monsey and Brooklyn) that go over the stroller seat and cost hundreds. Everyone buys the same baby clothes.

Start school, the same shoes and even the same glasses. Same backpacks.

You get older and spend a fortune on the same overnight camps, so the parents who can not afford to send to camp have to find a way to send, so their kids are not the ones left out. And of course, you have to send a "camp chair" (I learned about that here a few weeks ago) and decorative pillows for their camp beds. Because, ya know, its "standard" and you dont want your kid to be the one left out.

Send to seminary, of course, because otherwise how will your child get a shidduch? When HKBH declared 40 days before conception who will marry whom, He only made such a deceleration for the girls from families who would send to seminary. Duh.

Come home, get an office job, become a speech therapist, a special ed teacher, or a graphic designer.

Get engaged and get the same jewelry that everyone else has. Because who wants to be the first one to stand up against the "norm" and have their daughters be the kornabos on their parents mizbeach of self righteous anti-establishmentarianism?

Pay up the nose for a "respectable" wedding. Even if you cant afford it or have different tastes.

Set up your home with what your friends have, and when the baby comes, get the same stroller as everyone else has.

*********************

So you see why ice cream and riding toy takanos are a thing now. This is a self created problem.

Have you been following the Mishpacha back and forth about clothing for camp? There has been a weeks long debate about saying no to your kids about the clothes they want vs. buying it for them because they have to fit in. Buying 12 shirts is not enough. It needs to be 24 shirts. Etc. Its very interesting to read the replies. This past week, there were two letters from teenage girls who were BEGGING their parents to say NO. Dont give in.

Yes, this is a problem that was self created.

ETA: here is the link to the letters from teens https://mishpacha.com/going-br.....mtl9I

Last edited by watergirl on Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:57 am; edited 2 times in total

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:46 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

If the mentality is "to each his own" then nobody needs to make a group decision but I have seen some very unhappy children whose parents wouldn't allow their kids to ruin their health by bringing junk food for school snacks while other kids came with backpacks full of nosh. Saying "no" only accomplished that their kids begged friends for nosh until the schools made rules of what can be brought for snack.
I see that those without motorized scooters are usually asking other kids for turns.
I also see that some families have no trouble saying "no" to toys and activities that they can't afford or don't approve of but I wonder how many kids are taught to appreciate what their parents can provide when they see a large percentage having more.

octopus

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:51 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Thank you. I was just going to say something about the communism. Don't know why some Jews are so enamored with it. As parents we have the right to exercise sechel.

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:23 am

octopus wrote:

Thank you. I was just going to say something about the communism. Don't know why some Jews are so enamored with it. As parents we have the right to exercise sechel.

If more parents exercised seichal, our community might be a healthier place but I agree with Watergirl that much of what drives our debt-inducing spending is competition and peer pressure that starts the day a child is born.
Communism isn't what takanas are about; it is more of a type of socialism where a shared decision benefits those who can't compete.

Mayflower

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:45 am

southernbubby wrote:

As a parent who doesn't allow junk food for school snacks and hearing "so and so brings X Y Z snack to school every day, why can't I" fairly often, my response is always the same: "I know it's hard when others eat nosh you also like. I give you healthier snacks because I love you and I want you to stay healthy. You can have X Y Z as a special treat for Shabbos, because you do deserve a treat but it needs to stay special and you can't have it too often, for your own good" - rinse & repeat as needed.

It took some time but my kids did accept the message.

To me it's an important part of chinuch - teaching boundaries and helping our kids accept the fact that not everything in life is the way you'd want it to be.

Mama Bear

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:50 am

In my bungalow colony the ice cream truck comes daily and every mother has her own rules on how often she lets her kids have ice cream.
And no one has rechargeable vehicle bikes bc theyre hell expensive.
I actually bought a cheaper one for $72. My son was the envy of the place. and it broke in 2 days. yay.
The first 2 weeks I let my son have ice cream every single time the truck came. and he got tired of it.
yay!

ssspectacular

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:53 am

It's definitely time to allow for more individuality in our communities. This following the crowd has serious consequences..But each of us has to decide on our own-we can't wait for anyone else to figure this out.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:57 am

Mayflower wrote:

This concept has been thrown away in all areas of our lives. And that is the crux of many problems today. In education, behavior, marriage and yiddishket.

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