Bungalow takanas | Imamother

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:26 pm

keym wrote:

Heres the thing.
IME takanos are only about limiting stuff, but not experiences. So the kids who have less stuff, money, etc don't feel bad. But because we can't tailor everything, there will still be kids who feel left out.
We try to teach our kids how every family does their own thing. But my kids dont have grandparents at the school plays ever (because their grandparents are not alive, live too far away, are unhealthy, have been cut off, have no interest). So my kid sits at the siddur party envious of her friends surrounded by dozens of family members.
My job as a parent is to teach that every one has their thing and don't compare. I don't expect to try to enforce a takana that only Mommy comes because thats insane.
So if my kid gets UGGs or Tiros or motorized scooters or whatever, I would appreciate if "you" teach your kid that same lesson. Every family does what works for them.

At my wedding, I had some nice things that people could have been jealous of. But I had no father to walk me down or give me brachos.
Should we make takanos that no kalla gets a bracha from her father because it might make a orphaned kalla feel bad (and I might add is a true issur deoraysa).
We expect this kalla to get over her jealousy so the kalla who doesnt get the diamond bracelet cant get over her jealousy.

Fact. We are not perfect clones, who live the same lives. Now lets teach it to our kids.

Wow. You explained it way better than I could. Not everybody has the same things!!! Teach your kids that and teach them to fargin and to be happy for others. I have a friend who has it really tough financially, but she has something else that I don’t have. I would give up all the money in the world to have what she has. But I don’t. And that’s life. So I can ask G-d and I can keep trying and I can be happy for her. And that’s the end of that. I hate communism!! Communism was supposed to create a Utopia. But that plan back fired terribly. Because G-d didn’t create the world to Run in that way. It’s impossible.

little neshamala

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:29 pm

keym wrote:

And this is part 2 of required reading.
Perfectly said.

flowerpower

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:55 pm

When my dd wants something because “everyone has it” then it’s usually not going to happen. I hate being the same as everyone else. If it’s for a valid reason though then I may get it for her. But first make sure that she is getting it because I approve her reasoning. It also has To be within a certain price range.

Also, some kids are really deprived as kids. When they have kids they overcompensate by giving their kids whatever they couldn’t get and then some. I’ve seen it happen to more than one person.

Another thing, when moms can’t handle the kid nagging then they call the school to ban it. Like Kiplings was banned from a school because of peer pressure. Moms should say no! Not have the school do the job for them.

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:57 pm

keym wrote:

Maybe the kids with UGGs and motorized scooters should be taught not to exclude or look down at children who don't have. Not having isn't merely about watching the ice cream truck pull away and everyone else got ice cream. It is about kids feeling rejected as nebs for not having anything cool or being able to join in.
I realize that many reasons exist for schools having uniforms but cliques are one of the reasons.

happyness

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:04 pm

Mrs.K wrote:

I think the concept of takanos are just sad. It used to be, back in the day, our parents told us no and we had to learn how to handle disappointment, even when, 'everyone else has it'. We didn't need wedding takanos because we were raised that you do what you can afford, and obviously, the wealthier person is able to spend more than the less wealthy person, and that's okay.

Only nowadays do we need a rule to tell someone that they may not do something that I can't afford because I'll either feel bad or go into debt lest the neighbors talk. Only nowadays am I ruining my child's self esteem and only hope for a good shidduch by saying, 'no, you had ice cream yesterday' or, 'I have a nice tub of ice cream from Costco in the freezer.'

Sigh. Millennials.

I agree with you wholeheartedly.

From my understanding, takanos were put in place to lower the basic standards to more affordable (because the basic standards today, let's say for weddings, are outrageous for many)

Yet, I think we came to such a place precisely because of those who couldn't afford to copy their neighbors yet did so anyway because of the need to keep up with the Joneses. They couldn't face reality and stand their ground to live within their means.

Yep, the concept of takanos is sad.

Like, do I need to gain weight because my neighbor is fat and feels pressure to diet?

keym

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:05 pm

southernbubby wrote:

You know, they always say that. But I was raised with uniforms and we still had cliques.
There was the "curly haired clique" and the girls who went to Camp X and the girls who went to Camp Y. And the girls who wore plain white Keds, and the dance clique, and the calculus clique.

Bottom line, cliques happen. We set up takanos against motorized bikes, then the kids will make a free shtick that might exclude someone. A few years ago, the cool boys in my neighborhood jammed a plastic cup next to the wheels of the bike to make a noise while they rode.

Anyone remember the Star Bellied Sneeches.
Its not about restricting. Its about parents teaching middos.

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:37 pm

keym wrote:

But part of teaching middos is that we should not view others negatively for being less fortunate. Do you see parents of clique members working on that at all?

keym

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:51 pm

southernbubby wrote:

But part of teaching middos is that we should not view others negatively for being less fortunate. Do you see parents of clique members working on that at all?

My point about there always being cliques is that its not always about being fortunate or less fortunate. Its about kids finding common ground or something the find cool and everyone in the clique having it.
Remember the friendship bracelet phase. We were so proud of them and possibly looked down on those who didnt have them.
But it wasnt about being fortunate or not because they were homemade for a few pennies.
And our mothers tried to teach us good middos by encouraging us to make them for the girls who didnt have. Not by banning friendship bracelets.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:58 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Sometimes I feel like I'm living on a different planet here oot. We have all kinds of people with a huge range of financial means. The rich ones do rich people stuff and the poor ones do poor people stuff and everyone in between makes choices according to their priorities. We have never had takanos in any area, and people would think it's the strangest thing if it was suggested. Are we all just so much more mature and confident than people in places where they make takanos for stuff like ice cream trucks? I sincerely cannot relate to this life.

I grew up oot and this is Not was it was like! Where do you live I would love to move there?

thunderstorm

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:01 pm

keym wrote:

True. I had a classmate who brought me a tuna sandwich every day to school. I had brought my own lunch but either didn’t like it or it wasn’t as fresh and tasty as my friend’s. One day she told her mother how I love the way her mother makes her sandwiches with such perfectly fresh bread, the right amount of mayo in her tuna and the perfect slice of sour pickles. And her mother told her to make me a sandwich too. Every day she brought me an identical sandwich to what she brought for lunch.
When my mother bought me neon colored Elmer’s glue I remember it was a fad and we’d make “bracelets” by putting glue on our palms and rolling it a certain way. We would make bracelets for the girls that didn’t have that cool glue.
When our fancy neighbors got a pogo ball when it just came out they allowed the entire block of kids to line up and we all took turns playing with it .
Not everyone had the same thing. We were happy that way. The ones that did have , had the concept of sharing ingrained in them. Whether it was a toy, a snack or even a game of tag, we all shared the love of childhood with different things yet we were all able to get along and be happy.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:04 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

We're discussing a group of people who have sufficient disposable income to rent or purchase a summer home in addition to their usual homes, and who, further, are able to live on a single income -- at least for several months out of the year -- that allows one parent to spend summer away from any job she might have.

But somehow its the $3 or whatever for an ice cream that is the conspicuous consumption problem in our community.

I'll tell you the truth. I'd like to think it's not necessary. I'm with all of those who grew up with and raised my kids with the awareness that we can't have everything and that they will have friends who are more in the haves camp than we are.

I just can't excoriate them for this.

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:30 pm

keym wrote:

Have you been reading the Lakewood Voice lately honey? ( Smile

school plays and grandparents...)

Totally agree with you here.

My kids never had Bubbies at their plays either. Both Bubbies were ill R"L and passed away. Honestly, though, it was never a big deal. Maybe nowadays there are more local grandparents and it's an issue? In my big girls' years, there were like a handful of girls whose grandparents were local, so it wasn't so noticeable to them.

A much bigger deal was that my kids are so spaced out (due to IF) that they never had baby brother or sister brought to their performances. This is something they made a big deal about, actually. Last year, DD begged me to pick up my nephew from his daycare and bring him to her performance (something that just isn't feasible for this working Mom, actually. It would take the better part of my morning to work that out...). Maybe we should make some takanos about everyone's visible display of babies? I mean, how is this fair to my DD who is stuck being the youngest, and the only one in her age group in my family - a position she has hated practically since she was old enough to express it?

I'm kidding, of course - not about how she feels, but about any expectation to remedy this. My daughter has to accept that this is the position in life Hashem gave her - just as she has to accept that I don't spend $200 an outfit for her at an expensive local boutique, we don't buy new toys every day, and that we shop sales for most things we buy, as we are on a budget.

To each their own, and the more we teach our kids to be okay with themselves, and to appreciate that everyone has certain perks but not all, the more happy and successful they will be in life B"EH.

Hug

to you about your wedding.....I always felt that when my youngest sister got married, she got alot more "stuff" - her getting married at a point where my father was no longer paying tuitions for 9 kids (like when I got married) and her being the last one, he could afford to just pay whatever it cost for whatever she liked, within reason of course....but she did not have her mother to walk her down the aisle. I can't imagine that anyone was jealous of her.