My sister needs an intervention

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:14 pm

Will try to keep it really vague, so I won't give details, but please just believe me that things are as I say. No hidden issues etc. Very doubtful that it's depression.

My older sister has a few very nice, very well behaved little kids. She has a nice husband and financial security. She pretty much has no major worries - to justify her behavior, which is 99.999% of the time short tempered, irritable, and snappy. Pretty much for years already and def in the last 2-3.

Her home atmosphere is just a disaster. She barks at the kids. Her whole attitude is like there's a gun to her head and she's dragging her feet - like she's forced to feed them, get their shoes on, give them a bath etc. Whatever it is. (keep in mind these are very easy and good kids, even the "difficult" one is star student every week) I had a conversation with her about yelling and she basically said she doesn't think she yells at all. Except I haven't witnessed one loving interaction or verbal exchange, on her part, including during bedtime, and trust me I'm looking out for it. (she also loves to give me parenting advice. Sure sure)

It's like there is no joy in her life at all. Listen, raising little kids involves a lot of drudgery, but there are moments of cuteness. Even during meal times she sits them all down with a movie. Doesn't talk to them, ask about their day, and they are old enough to.

I'm also seeing that as her kids are a little older with a mind of their own, they are talking back to her out of defiance. They have no emotional connection with her.

She takes it out in her husband, too. They fight like a bunch of 5 year olds and poor guy is really trying. It's not him, it's her. When he dares say something to her, she blows up at him.

I feel bad for her kids honestly. There needs to be an intervention. My mother is in denial. My other siblings are younger. It's just me, and I'm younger than her. What can I even say??

amother

Rose

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:17 pm

Don't get involved!

amother

Natural

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:20 pm

MYOB

There's nothing you can say that will change her. She will see you as the enemy. It is better if you are kind to the kids, so they can see a loving mother figure.

I had similar with my sister. Her kids would tell me that they wish I was their real mother. I BH still close. And my sister is the same. I am very careful how I talk to her as she is touchy.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:27 pm

I would love to myob(and would obviously not say anything about her marriage!) but honestly it affects everyone else, too. She's extremely unpleasant company and difficult to be around. And we are all just like, why?? This is not her personality from birth. Honestly siblings have been known to avoid her by planning around Shabbos meals or simchos so as not to spend time with her. And her kids are still young. It's really a disaster.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:30 pm

You're so convinced that she has the perfect life and there's no reason for her to be acting this way.

Are you in her head?

You could be describing me. I won't tell you anything but let's just say the best you can do is try to help her wherever you can. Babysitting, listen to her vents (if she vents to you at all. If you're indeed my sister I don't vent to you because 20 yard around you reek from judgment), take her out for lunch, etc.

amother

Natural

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You telling your sister will have no effect except to get you isolated from her and her children.

You don't have any power. You listing that people are avoiding her to her will have no effect.

There's nothing you can do to change her.

If you are serious about an intervention, get an expert to guide you. You will need every single person in her life to tell her she is a miserable SOB. Once she agrees with you and agrees to go for treatment, then let the therapist take over.

ra_mom

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 5:56 pm

She could have PTSD and/or depression.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
Your job is to be there for her. Empathize when she complains. When you see her explode say something like wow you're going through so much. See if she decides to share. If she asks for help (only if) you can gently suggest that she can learn tools to navigate stress in a few short sessions at a therapist. The therapist can take it from there.

#BestBubby

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:19 pm

Be there for the children.

Give them compliments, tell them they're so cute, yummy, good etc.

Invite the kids to your home for shobbos or for an outing on Sunday.

One concerned adult can save children's emotional health.

Try to get your parents to do the same and give these kids extra attention
and build a close relationship with them.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:30 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I'm not your sister, bc we actually have a good relationship and talk to each other, but I appreciate this.

thunderstorm

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:40 pm

OP, please don’t involve yourself in something that you can’t help.
I happen to have a similar behavior pattern as your sister. I suffer in silence and nobody knows. That includes my sister who I share EVERYTHING with. When she tells me I’m yelling, I deny it and say I’m just talking passionately. It’s subconscious. But the yelling stems from not being heard IRL. It stems from never being validated. It stems from my childhood pain that I’ve never overcome (though my siblings had no idea that I’ve ever experienced pain) .
I only got helped when I myself hit rock bottom. And it’s thanks to a therapist that my eyes were open as to why I act a certain way. This comes from very deep issues. I look like the perfect go getter IRL. But in my home life and family life it’s not always so. My kids and DH have suffered quite a lot from me and I was completely unaware of it. I’m working on myself now and trying to get better. But it’s not because my sister told me to. (Even though she mentioned the therapy word many times over the years. It’s because I myself couldn’t live with myself like this any longer. I would advise you to stay out and just show love and care to your sisters kids and even to your sister who needs it probably even more so.

amother

Puce

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:57 pm

It's your sister. Why can't you be upfront with her?

amother

Lemon

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:02 pm

I don’t have a sister but I’m suffering from depression and it sounds similar.

nechamashifra

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:09 pm

Here is what I don't understand about some imamothers on here.
There is another post called "my mother is having a mid-life crisis" in which the op is asking what she should do about her mom who is an empty nester and seems a little lost and she is wondering whether to get involved and everyone is saying yes go ahead and try to help her (which by the way I find completely unhealthy for a mother-daughter relationship).

And here is a post where the op is stating that her nieces and nephews are growing up in a disastrous atmosphere and a home filled with tension, and everyone is saying stay out of it.

What?

Op, I say get involved. So what if your sister hates you? I don't care if she has a perfect life or not, the kids should not have to be the sacrifice here.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:10 pm

OP, what you're describing may be
Depression, don't be so quick to dismiss it.
Anxiety, alot of symptoms here point at anxiety.
PTSD
You can never know. I have terrible anxiety and I can sometimes be like that.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not your sister, bc we actually have a good relationship and talk to each other, but I appreciate this.

Oh wow, I explode at you and you're still nice to me.

If it helps you, I can do a small write up for you later about why I act the way I do even though my life does seem perfect on the outside.
(I'm in therapy btw. It helps minimally. Peer support and medication is the best way to help this kind of situation. I have neither for various reasons.)

amother

Salmon

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:16 pm

If she's not asking for your help, don't offer it to her. Don't tell her what you think it might be.
Maybe mention to her husband that you think she might need a professional evaluation to find out if she has depression or anxiety.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:48 pm

I don't agree with those saying stay out. I think you care and you should help. But confronting her probably won't go anywhere. Have you ever spoken to her dh about it? I would say something like, I'm worried about chavi. She hasn't been herself for a while, and she seems unhappy. I heard good things about therapist xyz. Chavi won't discuss this topic with me, but maybe you can convince her to try out therapy.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:37 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I actually am curious. I don't care for her sake - be miserable if you want - or her marriage- it takes two to tango. But I want to know what would make you take it out on your kids more than a bad day makes you lose your cool. I'm spending more time with her now in the summer and I'm seeing her kids start turning against her. Even as they are desperately trying to reach out, and keep getting shut down.

We grew up in a home with yelling too so I know the feeling of stepping around a time bomb and the tightrope walk around the tension. So some of this is learned behavior (on the other hand, I grew up in the same home and I'm totally different). And it was never this bad. And we both agree our parent totally sucked at this aspect.

shouting isn't her problem. It's radiating impatience, annoyance, making the kid feel like you're doing them the biggest favor by slapping together a grilled cheese sandwich for supper at 7pm instead of happily providing for their basic needs. Like someone dumped these kids on her and she has no time, patience or energy to even look their way. That's her attitude. Honestly it's borderline emotional abuse. And there's no need for it, bc she's not busy working, cleaning or keeping house, so she should be able to spare an iota of attention for some naturally cute, good natured and gentle kids.

that's why I mentioned that there are no obvious stressors in her life. She's not an agunah or a divorcee or living with 3 kids in a one bedroom or married to a total a-hole, like other women I know who still manage to parent effectively. Like what's your problem exactly. Your life is pretty well set up, what are you so miserable about.

Best part is she's totally blind to it, My sister can logically quote How to Talk , different techniques etc but the reality is just so different. I feel like if she only heard a playback of what she sounds like, she would be mortified.

Idk, does it sound like depression? For years already?? I've also gone thru some stuff. I'm currently pretty miserable professionally and financially. I still am able to make my kids feel like a million bucks and not two cents. Why should the kids have to suffer?

amother

Smokey

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I actually am curious. I don't care for her sake - be miserable if you want - or her marriage- it takes two to tango. But I'm spending more time with her now in the summer and I'm seeing her kids start turning against her.

We grew up in a home with yelling too so I know the feeling of stepping around a time bomb and the tightrope walk around the tension. So some of this is learned behavior from our mother (on the other hand, I grew up in the same home and I'm totally different). And our mother was never this bad. And we both agree our mother totally sucked at this aspect.

My sister can logically quote How to Talk , different techniques etc but the reality is just so different. I feel like if she only heard a playback of what she sounds like, she would be mortified. Bc she is normal and stable otherwise. She has, ironically, a preschool Morah personality. I don't know what's going on to make her like this, and that's why I mentioned that there are no obvious stressors in her life. She's not an agunah or a divorcee or living with 3 kids in a one bedroom or married to a total a-hole, like other women I know who still manage to parent effectively.

shouting isn't the problem. It's radiating impatience, annoyance, making the kid feel like you're doing them the biggest favor by slapping together a grilled cheese sandwich for supper at 7pm instead of happily providing for their basic needs. Honestly it's borderline emotional abuse. And there's no need for it, bc she's not busy working, cleaning or keeping house, so she should be able to spare an iota of attention for some naturally cute, good natured and gentle kids.

Idk, does it sound like depression? For years already?? I've also gone thru some stuff. I'm currently pretty miserable professionally and financially. I still am able to make my kids feel like a million bucks and not two cents. Why should the kids have to suffer?

Depression is not a choice someone makes. It's an illness that makes it exponentially more difficult to engage in normal day to day activities. You don't know how much strength it may take for her to even get out of bed every morning. And there isn't always an obvious cause for the illness either.

amother

Mint

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:03 pm

You don't sound very caring or compassionate. How on earth do you know who's fault her marriage issues are?! Are you her??? Do you know what her husband is like when he is alone with her? You sound so judgmental and quite immature yourself, to be honest. Work on your own issues! Definitely do not speak to her husband about her, that is a serious lack of boundaries. Btw, the correct grammer is not " my sister needs an intervention," but my sister needs intervention.

Page 1 of 3

1 2 3 Next