Do you think its ok to send kids school before theyre ready?

dankbar

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:39 pm

I disagree that longer you keep home they adjust more easily. Just opposite. Longer they are attached to mom's apron strings it's harder for them to let go. When I was a teacher, there was one child that started by 4-5 to attend school because she needed to travel in order to attend a chassidishe school, so mom kept her home for long while. It took her very long to settle into classroom socially & emotionally, till she got used to school routine, get hang of basic skills others had already mastered & mingle with the girls. At end she was a smart, mature social butterfly, that was her personality, but being that it was her first time going to school while for the other kids it was their 3rd year in a school setting, she just lost out in the group.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:47 pm

Dankbar, I really admire you and your posts in general so take this in that light:)
The stronger the attachment a child has to their mother and the more secure the child is in general the easier it is for the child to separate. I don’t know the details of the story you described so I can’t comment but in general it is the opposite of your way of thinking. The longer a child is home and the more secure they are the easier the transition.
I am a preschool teacher for many years and a mother of many BH!
The children who are anxious and clingy are usually the ones who were in many different childcare situations throughout their life and they don’t have the security of where their parents are. ( obviously there are exceptions and a lot can be dependent on a child’s temperament and personality) The more secure a child is the easier time they will have to separate. Waiting until a child is ready for school is giving your child a priceless gift. Hatzlacha!

dankbar

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:48 pm

My kids I tried keeping home as long as possible, as I waited for them for long time, and wanted to be the one to teach, entertain & enjoy the nachas & celebrate their milestones. I didn't want to push them out the door at earliest convenience, but I don't know if it was to their benefit. They would beg me to let them go to school already, and guess what when I took them first time just to show them around they insisted on staying all day & to go & come with bus. They would go to classroom & I would go to office in meantime to fill paperwork, and they refused to come home with me. They never looked back.

dankbar

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:54 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

This particular girl was not crying, missing her mommy, she had good attachment to mom, I was just trying to point out that she was at a disadvantage at school.( I was her kindergarten teacher, when she started school first time. ) because she was among girls who were atrending school for the 3rd year already where for her it was a first, and she was still learning the ropes.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:57 pm

That means that they were very secure and over ready...Bh! You must be a wonderful mother! That is the sign of a healthy attachment! Better to be over ready for school then under ready. I find that usually 3-3.5 is a great age to start for a shorter hours day. I do agree that not sending a child to some sort of school setting at 4-5 is socially off and can cause other issues... especially if the child doesn’t have adequate social interactions.
Have a good Shabbos!!

dankbar

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:59 pm

Bear in mind, that in kindergarten it's already a more structured setting, when they start out in pre-nursery/nursery it's still a more lax atmosphere with lots of bonding with teacher, learning how to talk & express themselves properly, playing with others, mastering skills like coloring maybe even cutting etc...

So when someone is coming in late in the game, it's just that.
They still want to play all day, don't know how to even hold a scisscors while everyone else is cutting out stuff on their own already.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 2:04 pm

It’s possible the girl you are referring to was at a disadvantage for a few days but most secure and typically developing children will learn the ropes and procedures of school quite fast and transition well. By a month into school she should have been fine( after Sukkos aprox)
If a child for whatever reason doesn’t go to school until a bit later it is healthy to expose them to some “ school like settings” such as a “ mommy & me” preschool gym class/ gymnastics as it helps them become more familiar with “school like” routines. So when they do start school their transition will be as seamless as possible!

dankbar

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 2:07 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

It was more than a few days, it took her a long while to integrate socially, it turned out, she wasn't a shy quiet nature just she wasn't used to school.

amother

Azure

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 2:12 pm

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

Sounds like they don't have separation anxiety because they never got to bond with you. They were spending all day with strangers from infanthood.

They have spent a lot of time with other caregivers, both inside and outside of our family.

The bonds that they've formed with my husband and with me seem healthy and normal to me.

But perhaps you can enlighten me as to what symptoms I should be looking for that would indicate a lack of adequate bonding.

amother

Coral

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 2:34 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

As others have said, keeping children home in today’s world is a luxury. It’s very nice for those who can, but it reeks of entitlement to judge those who can’t. Yes, some children have a more difficult time adjusting, and parents need to help their children with the transition, but I doubt that they’ll be scarred for life, if anything it helps them gain independence.

That said, the Lakewood school system only starts in Kindergarten or Primary, younger children are almost exclusively at private Morahs. (There are some daycare centers.) While this system is very difficult - no busing, fluctuating hours year to year, etc. this thread makes me think that maybe there’s merit to the system. There are no children on busses here under the age of 4 or 5.

Same here in northern NJ, there’s no busing until kindergarten, age 5. Until then parents carpool and use a combination of daycares, babysitters, and the occasional smaller playgroup for childcare.

amother

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 4:31 pm

Cant respond to everyone here but just want to point out a few things-I wasnt saying that all children must start school by a certain age and should wait until then. Some 2 yrea olds happily walk into school and dont look back and by all means they are more than ready for school. Some kids will be shy or need time to adjust or warm up, some kids cry when their mother is there, but as soon as mommy leaves they are fine. I wasnt referring to those kids. all those situations are normal and yes adjusting to a new situation is hard but is normal.
I am referring to the child who is miserable all day. who cries all day long after mother has left. who refuses to play or eat.
They are just not ready for school! For all working mothers that must work my heart really goes out to you and I wonder how you do it, I dont judge you at all. and if your kid is happy and you work then all is good. But if yor kid is the one I am describing well my heart also breaks for your child who just needs his mommy to grow and thrive. and in such a situation there needs to be a reevaluation of long term effects on your child. This is Especially true of the mothers who dont work and send their kids to school because it is the "thing" to do, because thats what everyone else does, because how else will their child learn to socialize etc.. But if your child is crying all day, there is nothing wrong with bucking the trend! There is nothing to be ashamed of when you take your 4 year old to the grocery store and everyone you meet says, "what? shes not in school?"

A few years ago, I taught a 4 year old who cried on and off for days the first week of school. even when she wasnt crying she was miserable. I spoke to the teacher from the previous year who asked me how she was doing and I said how she was crying on and off all day. the teacher said, yeah she did that all year long last year. All year long?! Hashem! This child was clearly not ready for school! I spoke to the mother and suggested she keep her home and she told me that a 4 year old is "supposed" to be in school. This girl is now in 1st grade and shes quiet, withdrawn very insecure. she doesnt cry anymore no. Shes a regular first grader very well behaved. But I wonder how she could have been a totally different child had she stayed home until she was 4 or 5. We are not doing our children a service by forcing them to go to school when there is no reason whatsoever for them to be there.

amother

Puce

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 4:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There could have been more serious issues with this 4 year old beyond 'not ready for school'. and just needing her mommy.

amother

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 4:50 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Oh Dankbar, 5 is very late to first begin school. I am not advocating for that. I don’t realize the child was that old. I am just saying that there is a lot of unnecessary pressure that 18 month olds and 2 yr olds “ need” school which is really not true and many times they would do much better at home. My kids have mostly all gone to school at 3.5 and we’re home until then and when they went they went so happily and we’re completely ready BH.

yes this is what im trying to say. The way society today is set up today people find it odd when they see a 3 or 4 year old out of school. If your 2 or 3 or 4 year old is more than happy to go then by all means. But I think we as a society are pushing our children to go to school far too early, even when some of them are simply not ready.