Hey you, the one with six kids

ora_43

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 12:23 am

gold21 wrote:

Hmmm. I would imagine that 7 kids should feel harder than 3....

Right but it's not whether 7 kids ages (say), 14, 12, 10, 9, 6, 5, 2

Are harder than 3 kids ages 14, 12, 10.

It's whether they are harder than 3 kids ages 4, 2, newborn.

I also find it easier with a mix of older and younger kids, than only younger (only older is of course easier). I'm not entirely sure why. My older kids do some chores, but they definitely don't do more work than they create.

I think it's mostly three things:

- I can get a few free minutes here and there, or even a free hour. An older kid doesn't have to babysit their youngest siblings for 10 hours a week or even 2 hours a week to make life hugely easier. Just having the option of catching the bus for work when the youngest kid's ride is running late, or making an important work call in the evening, or running out to get milk without getting three cranky young kids dressed and ready to tag along - all these things make life much more simple.

- The ratio of people who have some semblance of logical thinking ability to people who don't is much higher. Sure, my younger kids still tantrum over weird, random things - but when they do, my older kids and I share a look of amusement. It helps.

- The older kids are constant, living proof that the toddler stage passes faster than you'd think. And that even the most bratty/ teary/ wild young kids tend to grow into young adults who are fun to be around.

ora_43

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 12:31 am

OP, I'm impressed by what you're doing!

A baby, a toddler, a job, and you do nearly all the housework?? That's a lot.

Honestly, the "secret" of most moms of 4+ kids is that they aren't doing some of the things that you are doing. That's it. Nobody has a way to give herself extra hours in the day. Either their houses are messier, or they have more cleaning help, or they don't work as many hours, or... etc.

I mean there's some variation, some people are super energetic and are happiest when they spend every moment of the day Doing Something Productive, and some people are happiest when they spend at least a couple hours a day unwinding. But for the most part, people pick and choose and none of us gets it all done.

How do I do it? My kids are older, my job has fairly flexible hours, I have a lot more help around the house than you do (from dh and older kids - no paid help, unfortunately, although I do highly recommend it if you can get it), and my house is a mess. Sorry, no secrets here (unless it's the secret of how long it's been since I last swept, which I will take with me to the grave).

(When my kids were younger, the secret was similar: worked from home, semi-flexible hours, house was a DISASTER.)

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:08 am

[quote="amother [ Copper ]"]I know someone with 8 kids under the age of 11.
Runs a gan and a successful busy desert and fruit platter company from home at the evening and nights.
DH in kollel so no cleaning help.

Her house is very clean, and she is a loving and wonderful person.
She is VERY organized. LIKE EXTREMELY. Disciplined too!
Living in Israel she is also a minimalist. Her children probably have only 5 weekday outfits and 4-5 shabbos each and wear uniforms most of the time. (7 are girls)

You have to be very organized and disciplined. I could never do it. I don't know how she has time to cook so much, especially for shabbos making like a whole 5 course meal.[/quote

Sorry, I know off topic but I just had to lol. You call a minimalist someone who's 7 girls each have 4-5 shabbos outfits????

morningsickness

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 3:03 am

I live in Israel, in a kollel oriented community.

My neighbours are superwomen...
I used to constantly beat myself up for not being more like them, until I realized that I lead a very diff. lifestyle than them with different priorities.
For example- safety. My neighboours let their very young children go to the park by themselves, or send them to do errands such as food shopping for dinner in the makolet...
I just don't do that!! So my kids need me to take them to the park, to friend's houses etc..They are home with me way more than my super neighbours kids!!

Also, many of my neighbours grew up in families that had many kids, and their grandmothers had many kids too...It's in their blood, they are used to doing things a certain way..
I on the other hand, come from a family of 4, spaced out kids. My mom never worked after she got married. My parents were BT's so running a frum household didn't come naturally to them...

Bottom line is,

Try not to compare yourself to others. They cut corners in areas where you never would, have different circumstances than you and probably vent on Imomther at night that they simply aren't managing LOL

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:43 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

I know someone with 8 kids under the age of 11.
Runs a gan and a successful busy desert and fruit platter company from home at the evening and nights.
DH in kollel so no cleaning help.

Her house is very clean, and she is a loving and wonderful person.
She is VERY organized. LIKE EXTREMELY. Disciplined too!
Living in Israel she is also a minimalist. Her children probably have only 5 weekday outfits and 4-5 shabbos each and wear uniforms most of the time. (7 are girls)

You have to be very organized and disciplined. I could never do it. I don't know how she has time to cook so much, especially for shabbos making like a whole 5 course meal.

Maybe. There's only so much time in a day, no matter how organized you are. I'm sure she takes plenty of shortcuts.

Anyway, there's more to life than being perfectly organized and cooking 5 course meals.

Last edited by gold21 on Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:52 am; edited 1 time in total

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:49 am

ora_43 wrote:

And let's say the oldest is 11, too young to babysit?

So many varied possible scenarios here.

Girls are also very different than boys.

Anyway, I don't relate- I find each additional child an additional responsibility.

I also think it's complex to balance the different stages.

But what works for one doesn't have to work for another.

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:50 am

morningsickness wrote:

Totally agree about the shortcuts thing

All supposed superwomen take shortcuts

amother

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:51 am

To answer some Qs...

I finally hired someone recently to clean my bathrooms for me. And that’s all I can afford right now.
My DH has a very demanding job, so I’m pretty much solo.
And he is my third child... I don’t mean that in a mean way, or resentful way even, it just is what it is.
He can’t give so much, and doesn’t have so much motivation to be proactive when he gets home.
I pretty much do everything myself. He picks up here and there, or when I beg.
Can’t afford anymore help!
And I work 30 hours a week.
I do use paper plates, but can’t afford everything else in plastic for every day.
My baby hates store bought baby food... I steam it and blend it..
And I have endless bottles to wash!
Endless laundry, we’re talking at minimum two loads a day. DH, from work, has about 2-3 outfits he trashes daily. He needs shirts ironed weekly- can’t afford to dry clean them all, or hire someone to iron them either.
My shirt is soaked with sweat when I get to work. My toddler is in the deep part of terrible twos and Bh I have a work that takes little talking because I’ve used up all words in the morning...
Ahhh.
I also am super beyond organized and disciplined. Just not with my own health. I gained 20 lbs with each pregnancy, but can’t lose it even with eating healthy, because I don’t have the time to workout.
My house is very clean, I mop more than once a week and vacuum (have to) a few times a week. I cannot function in a messy environment.
I’m so late to making Dr check ups for my kids
My only luxury is going to a therapist every few weeks.
I love my life. Bh.
I just don’t know how to manage it all and dh wants more.. more? Uh uh.
Kol hakavod to all you who do it!

amother

Blue

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:55 am

I think if you're stretched to your limit it's very understandable that you can't imagine managing with one more child than you have. Hopefully you get to a place of not being completely overwhelmed before the next child actually comes into the picture. And every person's limits are going to be different, depending on their own life circumstances and personal abilities.

Librarian

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 7:01 am

I had 4 kids in 10 years and worked a very demanding job. I am almost an empty-nester now, and I know I am "supposed" to be feeling down or at the very least ambivalent about this new stage in life. Well I am not! Yipee!! I love my children, thank you H-shem - I am so grateful! Those years were hard hard hard! I do not see the value in rose colored hindsight. I made it through and now I can enjoy some freedom. Live in the moment and one day you too can look back proudly and look forward happily!

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 7:03 am

I remember when I had 3 little kids and I was busy non stop and working and overwhelmed I said “how do people have 6 kids?” Now I have 6 kids and I think it’s easier now. My oldest will babysit or bake a cake or give the 2 year old a bath. I can ask the 8 and 10 year old to clean the toys or set the table or help fold laundry. When I had 3 little kids I was taking care of them and doing everything in the house. Now my big kids help out. It was more physical work when they were little changing diapers, feeding them, getting them dressed .now it’s more emotional with teenagers

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 7:12 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I figured I'm on a kid locomotive that takes about 20 years, and I'm gonna grab as many as I can handle for this ride!

I'm lazy, disorganized, selfish, messy, and a very happy mother of more than six BH.

Thanks for the chizuk! I feel the same way.. I’m 17 yrs in and feel like I have to catch the next 3-4 yrs... Got to keep my hands open for Hashem to send children bec now’s the time!

I also have more than 6 keh and I also let things slide wherever I can, up to avoiding real disfunction.
Simple suppers etc etc.
I don’t always feel like a super mom.. but I know that when I’ll be 50-60 I’ll be glad I did this!
No judgements at all, I know Some people have no choice and can’t do this.
I also had to be on BC once after a miscarriage but in general I want to use these years for what matters most to me- building a family.
Even at the expense of my career etc.
Even if my kids won’t ever appreciate it etc etc.
This is my life mission.

OP, for me the hardest years were yours. My babies are high needs and hard to raise.
But It does get easier. Somehow now the younger ones blend in with the older ones...
And when my older ones are all out I work as hard as you- it’s a reminder of how hard things used to be! Literally don’t have a second to myself!
Hang in there, beginnings are hard!

ETA: my DH helped a lot. So that’s a huge thing. I never felt it’s not his job, it’s his kids too! If he wasn’t available I’d have to figure things out, not sure how I’d manage....
And even these days with older kids and although he’s out 9-5 and again 8-10, he helps when he’s home.
He’s home 5-8 pm and rolls up his sleeves to help out big time!
He’s happy to help whenever he’s home, it’s his life mission too! With serving supper..homework...baths...making lunches etc. 5-8 is still really busy!

dancingqueen

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 7:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you need to get your dh to step up and help around the house more. He has no motivation right now because he knows you will do everything. Teach him how to iron.

amother

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 8:01 am

dancingqueen wrote:

I think you need to get your dh to step up and help around the house more. He has no motivation right now because he knows you will do everything. Teach him how to iron.

Yes yes I know...
But I’m not resentful. Which took me a while to accept.. to not be resentful was a lot of work.
Some things I find easier to do myself, rather than fight about.
He has his own jobs, but doesn’t do them. The garbages pile up and pile up... so I end up doing them.
I’d rather do some things myself than smell poopy diapers in every room.
It’s a work in progress... I’m trying to get him to help more, without fighting.
If you know the secret, please spill!