Hey you, the one with six kids

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 11:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s a work in progress... I’m trying to get him to help more, without fighting.
If you know the secret, please spill!

Don’t give too many orders , keep the atmosphere positive at least eighty percent of the time. (Bec we’re human)
The other 20 percent can be “I really need you to take out the garbage like right now or in 10 minutes max , I need your help”.
Keep things short and clear.
Then when he takes it out say two words: Thank you.
In general try to change things into: “my Husband helps out when he’s around”
I find that people tend to live up to the roles and labels that you give them.
He’ll feel good that he’s meeting your expectations, so keep them low, if he’s not used to doing much/ doesn’t know how to do things well.
So use the 80-20 rule to get there.
Hope this helps.
G’luck!

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 11:42 am

I had 4 kids in 6.5 years. I was working and had minimal help. Back then part of dh’s job meant we had to have between 5-10 guests every shabbos and yomtov.
Now my oldest is 13.
Now I’m not working.
Now I have a lot of cleaning help.
Now I only have 1-2 guests around 1x a month.
I think I feel the need to care for myself now after feeling used and abused for many years. I’ll be okay because I’m thankful for my family and that keeps me going.

mha3484

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 11:58 am

I have 4. Oldest is turning 9 soon and my youngest is 7 months. I work full time but super close to my house so no commute. This really helps me come home excited to be with my kids. I get my need for quiet and intellectual stimulation which helps me come home in a great frame of mind.

The early years were so so so hard. If I go into how much I struggled in the beginning this thread will get dragged to a grinding halt and I dont want to do that. Over the years, I have learned so much in terms of parenting and life management skills. Now even my hardest kids are really enjoyable to be with.

What changed for me was when my oldest who is my hardest learned to read, he became a lot more self entertaining. My next kids are two years apart exactly which in the beginning I found super hard but now they are 3 and 5 and really make a good pair. They make up these crazy pretend games and I can actually catch a break! I can sit on the couch and drink my coffee now. Its amazing. I never would have thought this was possible a few years ago. It just takes time to get into your ideal groove.

ora_43

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 12:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes yes I know...
But I’m not resentful. Which took me a while to accept.. to not be resentful was a lot of work.
Some things I find easier to do myself, rather than fight about.
He has his own jobs, but doesn’t do them. The garbages pile up and pile up... so I end up doing them.
I’d rather do some things myself than smell poopy diapers in every room.
It’s a work in progress... I’m trying to get him to help more, without fighting.
If you know the secret, please spill!

Have him be responsible for things that he needs more than you do. Eg washing his own clothes, matching his own socks, ironing his own uniform, making whatever part of the Shabbas meal you could do without but he loves.

And then just let it go. If he does it, great, if not, that's his problem, not yours. (it's a little bit your problem too. but the best way for him to learn to be responsible for part of the housework, is to be genuinely responsible, ie, if he doesn't do it you won't pick up the slack).

Also, assuming he can be trusted to take good care of the kids alone, try sometimes just not being available. IOW, find excuses to go out in the evening once in a while.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 1:09 pm

7 kids, the first 6 are 10 years apart, and then the last one several years later. I have worked fulltime since pregnant with #4. seriously, I have very few memories of my life. I was just on autopilot--up very early every morning, and going non-stop until I fell asleep around 8 pm. I wasn't as good a mom as I'd like to have been. I didn't help as much with homework as I should have. I was just simply too tired. My dh was fairly hands-on with the babies, but had little patience when the kids got older. marital issues, too. Work saved me. It kept me on a schedule, and helped me feel valuable. Mostly, I just felt depleted by my home life. I am crazy about my kids, and have close relationships with them now. I gave them as much as possible emotionally. Dinner was not my strength, although we sat down to eat together every single night. But it could be scrambled eggs, or pasta--nothing fancy. We always had an open home--so the kids' friends tended to congregate on Shabbos by us. I baked a ton, almost every day. in order to do that, I got up extra early every morning. I'm not a night person, so I didn't accomplish much at that time. I was too strict about my expectations of keeping the (small) house neat and clean. I probably drove everyone crazy, but I love things to be tip-top. Like others have said, I just worked very very hard. would not trade this for a smaller family!!!

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 1:36 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I remember when I had 3 little kids and I was busy non stop and working and overwhelmed I said “how do people have 6 kids?” Now I have 6 kids and I think it’s easier now. My oldest will babysit or bake a cake or give the 2 year old a bath. I can ask the 8 and 10 year old to clean the toys or set the table or help fold laundry. When I had 3 little kids I was taking care of them and doing everything in the house. Now my big kids help out. It was more physical work when they were little changing diapers, feeding them, getting them dressed .now it’s more emotional with teenagers

Is your oldest a girl?

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:14 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Can’t a boy help?

But I agree that’s it’s a bit ridiculous to say that life does not get busier with more kids at the very least.

A boy can, and should, help.

I just wonder how any teenager could be so helpful that they offset the extra responsibility of a larger number of children.

I know there are some girls who just love babies, and caring for babies, and who love cooking and baking, and all that, so for them maybe it's not such a chore, and they're just happy to do their thing, which conveniently is a huge help to the well being of the family.

If it's not an actual hobby, passion, interest, of any teenager, boy or girl, I don't see how you're gonna get them to pitch in enough to offset the amount of work each new child requires. Chores are chores, done because the child is asked to do so. An actual passion and interest in helping with the kids or the kitchen is a totally different ball game.

Last edited by gold21 on Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:16 pm; edited 2 times in total

zaq

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:15 pm

By gritting my teeth and muttering “it’s only a stage, it’s only a stage.” And by learning to manage on 4-5 hours of sleep for so long it feels normal. By stripping down everything to the very basics and no embellishments. And by being organized to within an inch of my life.

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:25 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Can’t a boy help?

But I agree that’s it’s a bit ridiculous to say that life does not get busier with more kids at the very least.

But it does.
Even when they don’t mean to help!
For example: after licht bentching I used to work (hard!) on entertaining my baby and toddlers. I’d literally wait for my DH at the window!
Now I sit on the recliner and shmooze with my older kids and the three little ones crawl, play , relax on the floor. There’s ‘built in’ entertainment. I don’t have to build the same Lego tower 17 times in a row.
I don’t have to wake up at 6:45 am,
They all play together.
Teenagers sleep in of course!
But my 9 yr old knows how to pour a bowl of cereal for the 3 yr old.....
You don’t have to believe me, I also didn’t when I was in that stage... you’ll see when you get there!!

keym

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:39 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

You're lucky. Seriously.
Instead, I have a nine year old who freaks out that the toddler is touching his stuff, a baby who keeps finding Playmobil and trying to put in his mouth, a 14 yr old who would love to bathe the 4 yr old, but she has a "murder test", same 14 yr old wanting my help with something but I'm taking care of the little ones so she waits until later-and I'm already tired.
Honestly, I love mine. But I do not find more is less work. I'm cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry way more.

But OP, it seems like you have a baby. I always found that the first 15-18 months after a baby, it was all about finding the new routine with this new one.
Eventually, you find the rhythm and hacks, and then you feel ready for the next one.
You don't have 6 at once.

gold21

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:44 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I totally believe you. There is nothing as amazing as the built in entertainment of a larger family. Really. And my family isn't particularly large. But they are a chevra and enjoy each other's company. BH.

It's amazing when I can sleep in shabbos morning and have my older ones take charge of the little ones. But at this point, my older ones, who are boys, go to shul with my husband. And that same idea would apply after Light Bentching on Friday night. So the experience of having older boys is very different than having older girls.

Why do I keep making the same point? To demonstrate that every family dynamic is different. There are no hard and fast rules.

keym

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:53 pm

gold21 wrote:

I totally believe you.

It's amazing when I can sleep in shabbos morning and have my older ones take charge of the little ones. But at this point, my older ones, who are boys, go to shul with my husband. And that same idea would apply after Light Bentching on Friday night. So the experience of having older boys is very different than having older girls.

Why do I keep making the same point? To demonstrate that every family dynamic is different. There are no hard and fast rules.

Agreed. I used to be able to sleep shabbos morning. But nowadays my boys over 8 go to shul. And my teenage girl either goes to shul or sleeps.
As my older kids get older, the tenor of my house changes. I let my little ones stay up Friday night in the summer, I never let my older ones. My 8 yr old is more inclined to go to shul with his older brothers than my 12 yr old was at his age.
I serve a lot less scrambled eggs and cereal than I did because my older ones have a voracious appetite.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 2:56 pm

I happen to have a full time nanny, but my siblings don't. I have a sister with Kah 12 kids - another with 8 - etc. You need to be strict, scheduled, and disciplined. The children know not to get out of line. Older kids help out here and there, but my sisters, who both work a lot, do most of the work. Breakfast is at 7. Whining? No breakfast. Not dressed, go to the corner, etc. When you have discipline in your home, things run amazingly. If you have no discipline, you will be overwhelmed with even one child.

amother

Purple

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 3:10 pm

I have 5 kids between 2 and 16. My oldest 3 are boys, the oldest 2 in yeshiva (so although local, they get home late).
I work full time. I have no outside cleaning help as I hate having strangers in the house.

It's busy! But my kids help clean for shabbos. I don't deep clean often. But the dishes, laundry, busy traffic floors and bathrooms get done. Sometimes at crazy hours (It's not unheard of to fold laundry at 1 am)
I cook extra for shabbos to have leftovers and cook simple the rest of the week.
I get up about a 30-45 min before I need to leave to make lunches and get myself ready for work. Most days I have help in the morning getting my kids out so that is not on me.
Me time is almost non-existent. But I know the get big quickly and want to cherish the moments that I can.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 3:40 pm

hey, you!
Welcome to the 4 kids club, there are more of us than you think.
Maybe this is where you'll stay. Or maybe you will get past the first year of baby #4 and feel totally differently.
Just a guess but if you have a "shittah" about how things should be done at home you may be unconsciously pushing DH away. Why should he try if it's never good enough? I had to learn not to do that with DH disciplining the kids. I felt like he was soooo not effective and too easy on them. I learned to step back, wait the extra minute before intervening.
I am cleaning challenged so I had cleaning help a few hours weekly since baby # 1 !!
If I could do it over I would get a chessed girl also once a week at least.

Stars

Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:18 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

Omg. I discipline my kids but this above is leading a 1950s orphanage.