Just did something so painful

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:11 am

I just dropped off my dd and her friend at the local pizza shop, at midnight, both wearing pants, and it hurts so much. All the experts I've discussed this with tell me to do this. She goes with or without my permission and support so they feel it's better like this.

I understand them but it's so painful. My stomach was churning the entire drive and I spent the whole way home davening to Hashem to keep them safe.

I wish I could keep her safe like I do for.my other kids, but shes not interested on being safe and it terrifies me.

I know there's nothing any of you can tell me that will change anything, but I just needed to unburden myself to all of you out there.

193

DrMom

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:17 am

I am trying to understand the context of your post.

Are you more upset about the pants wearing? The fact that they are going out at midnight?
The pizza shop?

Are you talking about physical safety?
Do you live in a dangerous neighborhood?

Or spiritual safety?

And what would happen if you didn't drive her? How old are these girls?

amother

Teal

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:21 am

DrMom wrote:

I think what op needed now was just a hug

122

Hatemywig

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:26 am

DrMom wrote:

I think this is about the OP doing something that goes against her beliefs, dreams and expectations. It doesn't really matter at this point what it is, she is looking for support.

OP, May Hashem give you the strength to deal with this.

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:26 am

It's so hard. I have a sister who went through a tough time. She stopped believing in hashem, landed up in the hospital a few times, did drugs etc... but I told her she's still my sister and I won't ever turn my back on her. We hung out a lot, I didn't allow her to do drugs or other inappropriate things around me or my kids. Now it's a few years later and she is slowly finding her way back. Loving and accepting them does help. But at the same time as a parent it's so hard to go through it.

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:30 am

DrMom wrote:

The pizza shop itself is fine but at midnight most of its customers are kids at risk so it's not a good environment. Yes, the pants hurt, they symbolize the rejection of everything important to us as frum Jews. (Yes I am aware that in mo communities pants are fine, that doesn't help me).

I'm more nervous about the physical dangers, there are kids on drugs who hang out there, it's late at night, etc. And I'm also worried about her spiritually, cuz that's what we parents do, we worry.

amother

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:37 am

I'm not going to respond to each of you separately, but thank you everyone for your support and understanding.

It's especially hard because my husband thinks I'm enabling her and doing the wrong thing, but I'm her mother and I love her and I cant turn my back on her. There are so few ways that she allows us to connect at this point, I try very hard not so say no when she asks me for something.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:38 am

A word advice from someone who used to be there as a teen. I was very rebellious, always pushing boundaries and testing. I was emotionally grappling with a lot and I'm a deep intellectual. I wish my parents could have accepted me fully. When I felt like they pushed expectations on me, it made me rebel more. I know it is hard not to show disappointment about the religious stuff but she doesn't care about that. She needs your love so so much. She needs to know you care about her for who she is, regardless of what she believes.

I also think it is important to tell her that she is entitled to make her own choices and emphasize that you want her to be a healthy person. Leave religion out of it for now. If you equate skirts with drugs, it all goes out the windows. Explain you want her to be safe and stable, that she should be responsible for the big things. Talk to her about drugs and boys. When you mix religion in, she isn't getting the right messages since she dismisses it all. I was so sheltered and just wanted to fool around since I was lost. I needed someone to sit down and explain that wearing pants to express myself isn't the same as sleeping around. It is hard to go from a black and white world of strict boundaries and find your way in a world when no one talks to you about the dangers. I know it is scary but be there for her as a parent and try to see that you can love and accept her for being herself even if it hurts your beliefs.

tilot37354

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:45 am

No quick pills for this. Life is so difficult, and so far out of our control ... Good for you for having the superhuman strength to do what you knew was best in this situation, even though it was so painful (like it would be for any normal human, especially someone that cares for their child as deeply as your love and concern for DD shows). Hashem should give you the strength to stay positive and maintain your positive relationship with DD... No tefilla goes unanswered, and the tefillos of a mother crying in pain over a child's spiritual safety is the most precious of all to Hashem. May the zechus help bring your daughter back to being on the same page as you, and may you find the strength to do what's necessary and change what you can and to find peace and acceptance in all the Nisyonos hashem sends that you can't change. You should always know that you're not alone. Davening for you. Hugs.

DrMom

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 12:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So to me (and granted this is my own perspective because I know many righteous observant women who wear pants and/or go to pizza shops), the most alarming aspect of this is the drugs.

I realize that your daughter wearing pants is painful for you because it is totally unaccepted in you community, but I think you need to practice risk mitigation.

If there are really drug addicts hanging out at this place at that hour, there is no way I would drive my daughter there - despite what any "expert" tells me.

How about you ask your daughter to invite her friend (pants and all) over to your house and order a pizza for them? Or can you drive them to and from the pizza shop before the undesirable element begins to hang out there?

Perhaps if you try to think of some solutions, you will not feel so powerless and in despair.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 17 2019, 1:01 am

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s So hard, Hugs!! Definitely have an open conversation about drugs , std and sx Ed .
Is she a HS aged girl? There are girls’ high school in Lakewood and Flatbush that specialize For teens at risk this way she can feel accomplished while having a schedule and graduate.
Wishing you lots of strength and siyata dishmaya with her!