Perfect life. Yet another spin off

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:50 am

And yet again I will repeat. I'm sure everyone struggles with something. But you cannot tell me that you- the one with what looks to be a beautiful house a beautiful family enough money- is suffering more than the childless single with no money - because if it looks like you have a perfect life - because on the outside people see your beautiful house and family and kids- it means you actually have a family and house and kids!!! - that is already 90% more than what childless single has.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:53 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Really? I would think that the death of a child counts as truly suffering. I would think that extreme financial distress, mental illness and some physical illnesses count as truly suffering.

You're blaming the victim. "If you just had the right attitude, this wouldn't be so bad."

A good attitude helps, but it's not everything. Everyone has challenges, but some have bigger ones and some have smaller ones. Denying reality only isolates and invalidates the person in pain.

Whenever I see mindless sayings like that I assume that whoever coined such a phrase has not actually truly experienced it and I dismiss it offhand under - they have no idea what they're talking about.

thunderstorm

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 9:57 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

But she can be s-xually , emotionally and physically abused by her husband on a daily basis and can be suffering from depression as a result. Just because she has that beautiful house, what appears to the outside as a great husband and children does NOT mean her life is 90% better than the single childless person has.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:27 am

thunderstorm wrote:

We have more established facts proving that the single childless woman has problems. The "perfect" woman and the single childless woman are about equally likely to have additional secret problems.

amother

Cyan

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:34 am

Look obviously if she is being majorly abused she will be struggling badly. And yeah thawould be pain on a similar level to the childless single.
But some people have a husband that is good to them a house full of beautiful children and maybe one child with a learning disability. Their life is otherwise pretty much ok.

The point is not everyone struggles the same. Of course some people have a better life than others.
Way too many people here are saying that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors as if that is supposed to make it better. It doesnt.
People like to comfort themselves by saying well behind closed doors everyone struggles. Therefore everyone has a hard life. They think it will make them feel better. It doesnt. Because sometimes behind closed doors other people's lives are actually just fine. And they know it. And it's hard to accept that Hashem wants them to have this awful pain filled life while others get off scot free.

amother

Beige

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:49 am

Nobody's life is perfect. The struggles are not perfectly equal... cuz life isn't fair.
But nobody came down to this world to "lecken honig" as my grandmother used to say. We all have our things.
I have a great life. No trauma, supportive family, did well in school, married a great guy, have a couple of kids...
I do have some problems beneath the surface that you wouldn't know just by looking at me. Like IF (all kids conceived through IVF). And money troubles (partly due to the IF). But my life is still amazing compared to many of yours.
Does that mean that our struggles are equal? No
Do we all suffer? No. (I know I don't)
But do we all have something to make life not be a bowl of roses? Absolutely.
Because without challenges, what's the point of life? Why did Hashem send you down here if not to grow into a better person? (and that doesn't really happen when life hands you everything on a silver platter)

saw50st8

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 10:55 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

When I was a child, my family went through a lot of challenges. Most of them were very public or visible. I don't think that I had a "normal" year until I was a teenager.

I used to think that my family was the only one and everyone else had these perfect, wonderful families. Then things around me slowly unraveled. One friend's parents got divorced. Another (who seemed to have a wealthy lifestyle) lost everything with some bad investments. Others struggled with mental illness. I don't fully know what they were going through.

Every day, I wake up with a chronic illness that is fairly debilitating. Every day I am grateful to my mother for making sure that no matter what was going on in life, we had plenty of love. Every day, I wake up grateful that my illness is not lethal and that I can appreciate the bracha in my own life. We all have challenges in life, even if it isn't visible. And the challenges may seem simple - I know a woman who has literal panic attacks preparing for shabbos. She's a SAHM with plenty of cleaning help and nice kids. She can't handle making chicken soup without being medicated. Which of our problems are worse??

Does it make me feel better if other people are struggling? No. I wish everyone's lives were happy and wonderful. But we don't actually know what people's true challenges are.

amother

Linen

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 12:08 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

We have more established facts proving that the single childless woman has problems. The "perfect" woman and the single childless woman are about equally likely to have additional secret problems.

Right, it goes both ways. A single childless woman can have other issues as well that may not be apparent. Dysfunctional family relationships, health issues, financial problems, etc. It's just the lack of husband and children that are the surface of what you see, same as with anybody else. And if you couple one of those issues along with being single and childless that is pretty major.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 1:22 pm

I bet that some people thought I had a perfect life growing up. They only looked at one thing: I was really, really smart. I can tell you from the other side- I had basically nothing else (including a traumatic family life and several critically ill family members), but that's all people ever saw.

Now, B'H, I have a good husband and two adorable kids. I'm sure people think my life is charmed. I've also been suffering from terrible PPD, which in and of itself has made life not worth living. I've gone through several other big challenges.

Is my life charmed because it appears to be? I have chronic anxiety and all sorts of leftovers from my childhood.

Obviously, I thank G-d for the blessings that I do have, but are my challenges so insignificant that they are waved off with, "At least you have a husband and kids"?

mig100

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 1:32 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I sort if agree with you.

amother

Gold

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 2:15 pm

I have a decent job and we live in a nice home. My husband has a medical condition that is tough to manage, and about two years ago we found out that one of our children also has it.

Since then we are thousands of $$ in debt due to the costs of getting our child the help needed, both medical and emotional. Only a tiny percentage is covered by our health insurance.

But everything looks perfect on the outside. Nice house, nice kids, functional, etc...

I recently got a call from a neighbor who is looking for volunteers for a certain very-time consuming chessed. I told her I have too much going on right now. I'm pretty sure she didn't believe me.

I get this all the time, people who think I should do more for various causes. They have no idea how much I put in at home and how much it wipes me out. And we can't afford anything extra now. I do everything involved in managing our home on top of working full time.

Not complaining. Just saying, you don't know what's going on by someone who looks perfect.

amother

Linen

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 3:35 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Nobody is saying "at least" just saying, if you had those challenges AND no husband or child your life would be absolutely crushing. The difference between having your own family and not, is huge. Doesn't mean your life is charmed, not at all, but you yourself admit these are huge blessings to have.

amother

Red

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 3:48 pm

I dont think everyone's pain is equal or "active" at the same time. We all have ups and downs. Some downs are objectively worse than others, but the subjective pain someone feels doesnt necessarily correapond to that.

However, there is no person on earth that makes it through life without suffering.

It doesn't not do you any favors tonthinknyiu are "special" in your pain. It isolates you and compounds it. It keeps you stuck in it because you make your suffering part of your identity. It keeps you a victim instead of an empowered, growing person living in your power.

Pain is real. It needs to be felt and expressed and processed. And you need to understand that just cuz someone didn't have your specific issue does not mean that the base emotions (anger, sadness, guilt, grief etc) are not universal.

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:02 pm

do you know how many times I wished I could walk around with a tag around my neck with all my problems on?!!
I hate going around putting on a show.
id rather look like a nebach when I feel like one then walk around with a smile.
it hurts so much to pretend.
and then when people come over to me for a nice smiley chat, and im like, do you know how long it took me to pull myself together and look like this.
no one should ever be fooled by appearances.