I just feel so used and I don’t want to feel this way

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 1:56 pm

Am making a Chanukah party
Told mh daughter in law weeks ago.
I have one son in city with 3 grandkids.
Other marrieds live out of town.

My daughter in law is the plan ahead type. So as soon as I asked her when her kids were off from school I set a date
My own sister lives in town. Me and her are doing this together. Her daughter from Israel with 4 kids will be here. Also have a Neice and nephew in town with 4 kids. Everyone was told about it a few weeks ago, all are coming. So all together there’s about 25.
My son today asks my Dh if we’re still planning on making a party on sinday night. Ummmm yes, my Dh says. Our plans never changed. My son tells him that they might not be in town. But, oh yea, they’re still coming to us for shabbos.
Well, thanks a lot !
Going to host a party in my house for my whole family but my own kids won’t Be here.
I’m really upset. But of course can’t say I am Cz they make plans snd we just have to suck it up ?
It’s not nice and I don’t feel like putting myself out there for shabbos now.
I work full time and it’s hard to juggle everything.

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 2:38 pm

They (meaning she) talks the talk but often does not walk the walk.
For instance :

She will say - oh you guys have to come every Sunday night for dinner !
I don’t need to come EVERY Sunday night but once in a while would be nice.
Or:
Now that we’re settled into our new house and we have more room you HAVE to come for a shabbos!
Ok, I reply, just tell us when
But that has been months ago. & we’ve never gone. But her family has come a few times. Oh yea, and they ‘borrowed’ a few items when we were out of town that they needed for their guests ie kosher lamp, digital clock for their guest room, but never returned. We have mentioned to them a few times to return items but nope, still not. So I’m just considering a gift.

I’m getting side tracked. Cz I’m venting.
My son listens to her Cz she’s the wife and he lives with her, not me.

But they both know that me and Dh will be very disappointed if they won’t atrend. & no, they don’t have any thing overly pressing that they need to leave town.
But I can’t pry b/c again, I’m just the mother in law.
I’ve wrotten here before about my dil.

This is just par for the course.

flowerpower

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 2:51 pm

Send him a text that goes like this-
Hi Shloimy! A couple of weeks ago I planned the date for the annual Chanukah party at my house. I asked Raizy when the kids are off from school so it should be convenient For your family. (Your sister- whatever her name is) and I worked hard preparing the party and we were hoping everyone can be there together as a family. Is there a way you guys can still consider coming? It would mean a lot to Totty and me. Give the kids some kisses from me

amother

Navy

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:55 pm

flowerpower wrote:

This.
But personally I would add
"I'll be so disappointed if you don't attend!"

amother

Indigo

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 4:32 pm

You want your kids to want to come. Not just come. But it is impossible to FORCE your kids to want to come, because it is a form of Kavod, and Kavod, to be true Kavod, must be given freely.

All I think you can do here is say, and really mean LOVINGLY, like you care deeply about them: 'Oh I'm so sorry you can make it. We'll miss you'. Not offended, not used, not I expected you, I told you ahead of time. But I care about you, I love YOU, and I'm sad that you can't make it.

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 5:02 pm

Well I texted my daughter in law myself. Cz I know she’s the one who makes decisions etc.
To be honest she has been feeling under the weather this past week.
She said she didn’t even know about this.
I don’t know.
I just asked her if she’ll be in town Cz we’d be so sad if they weren’t here for Chanukah party.
She said- what party, where and when?
I resent her texts I originally sent her
She said she did remember but didn’t know all the info.

I’m leaving it.
But my whole excitement is gone and now I feel stupid. Even though I have no reason to feel stupid. But I do anyway
Sad

I just feel that I always put myself out there for my kids. & then it’s just wasted energy.
And I always have to swallow it all.

amother

Copper

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:17 pm

Sorry OP, that stinks. I'm glad you can come here and vent instead of saying stuff IRL. Many young people are so selfish but don't realize they are. It's probably nothing personal, just selfishness and being overwhelmed by life.

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:31 pm

I'm so sorry. This situation definitely can leave you with a yucky feeling. I'm glad you have a place to vent here, and also to remind us all to think carefully before making any decisions that can potentially hurt our parents or in laws.

watergirl

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just feel that I always put myself out there for my kids. & then it’s just wasted energy.
And I always have to swallow it all.

My husband is one of two sons. His wife (my sil) does as you described above all the time. She does it to me and to my mil. I am sick of it after all these years and I also have started to send her screenshots when she denies making plans with me. When I call her out on it, she does what your dil did - she turns it around and says she didnt know it was a final plan, she thought it was still up in the air, etc. She isn't mean, nasty, or selfish, she is a flake. At this point, I took the hint and don't try to make plans with her. My mil still tries and gets hurt.
I’m sorry this is a thing.

gold21

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 9:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just feel that I always put myself out there for my kids. & then it’s just wasted energy.
And I always have to swallow it all.

Very frustrating 😡

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Dec 25 2019, 5:17 pm

I once had to go to mikvah on the night that my mother threw a party. My husband did not let me explain myself to her (why do men find mikvah embarassing?? lol) so my mother was very upset that I wasn't coming.

OP Sounds like an annoying situation. I hope they have good reason for switching out their plans..

flowerpower

Thu, Dec 26 2019, 11:40 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

You can go to the mikvah at 5:30. What time was your mothers party?