Do you read your kids text msgs?

chananecha

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 12:09 am

Just curious what most mother's do.
A mother just told me she reads her daughter's msgs.
I trust my kids and briefly glance at their phones but I think it's an invasion of privacy.
What's your opinion?

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 12:25 am

Huge invasion of privacy. I don't eavesdrop on their conversations either, and it's the same thing.

Anyway, if they know you are doing it, they will just erase messages they don't want you to read. What will you gain? They will feel you are overbearing, and you won't learn a thing.

ETA - I assume we are talking about kids over the age of 11.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 12:28 am

By the age that they have their own cellphone, it means I have a sufficient trust in them that I would not do such a thing.

Only exception I can think of offhand is if I had a solid suspicion of a clear and present danger that might be helped if I looked, although I can't imagine any such scenarios.

banana123

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 12:28 am

Does she read her kids' diaries and mail, too?
And how does she justify that halachically? Isn't it the same as reading their mail?

I do agree with saddlebrown that if the kids know she is reading their messages they'll probably just delete anything they don't want her to see. All damage, zero gain.

chananecha

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 8:33 am

Glad to see I am not the only one who does not read their msgs.
I do think this mother is a little eccentric.
I feel bad for her daughter.
She's a sweet girl and has an overbearing mother Sad

happyone

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 8:36 am

no. like other said, if you trust them with a phone you shouldn't be looking through texts . if she/he may he in danger , that's another story.

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 9:38 am

I don't have kids with cell phones yet, and I don't know if when I do get for my teens if they will have text, but there is a difference between teens at 14 and teens at 18...What I do have is access to email accounts and while there really isn't anything all that enticing (Dear Uncle X, do you want to sponsor my learning?) just them knowing I *have* the ability to read is a geder. But texting is a whole different ball game and I would be much warier and would want to spot check from time to time I think if we had that.

amother

Red

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 9:51 am

cookiewriter wrote:

I read her diary and texts but I don’t tell her

do you have a reason to think she's harming herself? otherwise reading her diary seems like such a tremendous breach of privacy Sad

I understand the concern about texts but if they are read the child should know but a diary I view as a safe place to express oneself which is so healthy and taking that away seems so cruel. I also can't imagine the damage to the relationship Sad

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 9:57 am

My kids don’t have cell phones until their upper teens. But my sister’s kids have one since they are age 9/10 . She does read their dairies and texts and found out her daughter needed major help after she read things her daughter wrote , like discussions of suicide etc.

lech lecha08

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 11:25 am

I have the ability to read her texts, whatsapps, and one of the pre-conditions to her getting a phone was allowing us if we ask. She's had a phone for two years now and I think I've only looked 2 or 3 times and that was with her sitting there, not sneaking into her room and snooping or anything

amother

Lilac

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 11:40 am

I do, once in a while. It was on her contract for getting a phone with whatsapp. That's how I found out she was trying to help a girl who needed major help and was otd. Thankfully I put a stop to it. My daughter is 15.

imokay

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 11:47 am

I don't allow my non adult children to have their own personal electronic devices. The devices (ipads, phones, computers, etc) all belong to the family and I allow them to use it. But it's not their private devices to do whatever they want with, and they know that at times another child could borrow their device or I might glance through it and that I have access to all numbers called, etc.
I think it's dangerous and naive to blindly trust a child with a device that has tremendous potential for danger... There needs to be some checks and balances.
A diary is different, that has the status of a personal possession, and assuming the child is behaving as normally, I wouldn't read it.

amother

Copper

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 1:02 pm

Are you guys KIDDING?

You read your kids DIARIES???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

I don't care how strangely child is acting and I don't care what suspicions you have!!

A diary is a PRIVATE possession and you are STEALING by reading it!!!!!!!!!

Find another way to allay your suspicions!

ETA: Sorry for reacting so strongly; this is a huge trigger for me.
My mom once read a private letter from a friend and I've never trusted her since.
She said she had "suspicions" that this wasn't a healthy friend for me, which in retrospect was true, but I PROMISE you, I didn't drop the friend because of this. If anything, I strengthened the friendship.
I didn't have a good relationship with my mom before this happened, but this killed it forever.
Guess what? I'm still friends with that friend, in a healthy way now, and I hate my mom. So yeah.

amother

Navy

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 1:49 pm

It's against halacha. Isn't reading someone's private letters one of the things instituted by Rabbeinu Gershom? Text messages are like mail nowadays. And he didn't differentiate btwn adults and minors.
Unless a parent has a real suspicion of danger, like contacts btwn a drug dealer or pedophile or something of that nature it's halachically not allowed.

amother

Copper

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 2:00 pm

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

And even if a parent has a suspicion of contact with a drug dealer or pedophile, I don't think its so simple that you can just read their texts and diaries behind their back.
For sure not if the child is over 18.

Ask your Rabbi and therapist and think ten times before endangering your relationship with your child forever.

LovesHashem

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 2:49 pm

I actually thought this thread was going to be about mothers who ignore their children when they text them LOL

OP's premise sounds a lot more realistic.

amother

Natural

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 3:33 pm

When I get a phone years back my parents policy was that they have access to it...
I was fine with it!

Its against halacha but not for a parent
I lonce earnt a halcha that a parent may eavesdrop on a childs phone convo...
idk! the idea bothered me then and still does

banana123

Mon, Dec 30 2019, 3:54 pm

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Till what age?