It’s “gentle parenting “ a realistic approach ?

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:01 pm

mommy201 wrote:

#BestBubby, can you read this carefully and answer it with thought?

Is it possible, the 10 years old child is screaming and calling is mother names because he was never taught properly how to regulate his emotions and didnt get enough connection and empathy?

If he is taught that someone cares about, loves him even when acts out but still gives discipline, he can understand and learn for the future that maybe next time I can just state my feelings to mom without lashing out since she understands and gets me and I dont need to resort to misbehavior.

Im assuming you will automatically say, no this is not possible.

What would you say that I saw children like this that got the gentler parenting after these issues and grew up to healthy, stable people, who know how to regulate their emotions and deal with lifes ups and battles. - NOt possible you would say....

Of course it's possible. My point is if you have tried the "gentle parenting" for a couple of months and the behavior is not improving or getting worse, then it's time to try something else.

No method works for EVERY child. Agree?

mommy201

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:02 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

But if you habitually screamed and called your DH "crazy" that would be abusive, right? OP in the other thread said her son did that all the time. Other parents on other threads also described such behavior and I witness this in groceries and in shuls.

If a parenting method is NOT working, time to re-evaluate.

But if the mom habitually screams and punishes as a result of her kid being mad, she's the abuser too. This in essence what you are saying. So how are you going to break the "abusers" cycle. Kids learning from mom to "abusive", acts "abusive" to express emotions. Gets punished for it. Will still be fuming inside, will maybe stop behavior but it almost guaranteed to manifest again when they are older and not controlled by their mom. Then they will be the "abuser"

Btw , op on the other thread, I dont think you or your son are abusive I am just using #BestBubby terminology.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:03 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Zehava, HOW do I avoid a power struggle if my child does not listen to me because he is very self directed, has trouble transitioning from one activity to the next, ignores commands, etc.. He’s a free spirit and something inside of him rebels when he has to conform to average household activities. Like dinnertime, bath time, homework, cleanup.. etc.. He has siblings & yes there are some basic rules here that everyone must conform to so that the house runs smoothly and is not dysfunctional. If he says “not now” “I’m not ready” all his younger siblings will follow suit and nobody will ever get bathed or do
Their homework here!! (My vision is that when mom says “please come here now” he drops everything and comes right away. Is this realistic at all??) I’m so exhausted from everything just taking fooooorever and having ask & nudge so many times...
Also, since he is so intense when he is happy he is HAPPY & when he is angry, he is ANGRY. So if he has a hard day we all feel it along with him!! This triggers one of my other son, he cannot handle his brothers intense emotions and there’s this constant tension and power struggle between the two of them.
Maybe you should reconsider giving parenting classes lol

Maybe try incentive chart for those who listen right away?

pizza4

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:04 pm

mommy201 wrote:

Agree. Kind of seeing it myself.

Even though I do see parents from previous generation parenting who respect what I do and see how the results will be well worth it. Unfortunately - probably do to doing these they regretted and are now missing that close relationship with some children.

Yes and guess what, I had my mother comment to me one day after seeing me deal with the kids, at her home, said I love how you interact with them.
Lol if she'd see how out of control I was the other day running on too little sleep and the things I said were hers...her voice... Can't Believe It

Moral of the story, do your best and also sleep enough.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:09 pm

mommy201 wrote:

Habitual screaming is not good. But punishing for clearly defined rule breaking is ok. Like one cannot scream or call anyone names (crazy, stupid) - especially parents and teachers.

One can try rewards (incentive charts) first. But parents must figure out how to stop a child's abusive behavior or they will be abusive towards spouse and children. It is a very serious misbehavior.

Some think if THEY model kindness and patience their children will follow their example. But not ALL children. Some will take advantage to bully their parents and others.

pizza4

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:10 pm

Amother jetblack, also drop the fear of if he doesn't listen everyone will copy and the house will fall apart. Maybe try having a discussion with your child and see what ideas he can come up with- problem solve. Or maybe start with the younger ones who will have an easier time listening, tell him I'm giving you 10 more minutes to play or whatever you think will do it.
Zehava I love how you deal with homework.. that has been a little stressful for me I'm going to try that.

654785

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:30 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

I totally hear you. I feel the same way. So much of what I do with my kids is gentle parenting but then some of it is screaming-like-a-banshee-to-get-them-to-listen parenting.

I don’t have answers because I don’t know. If the bus is coming in 5 mins and my kids STILL ISNT DRESSED despite 30 mins of calm parenting you bet I’m gonna just do it myself or yell super loud. Or send him to school in pjs. I’m a busy lady too I have to be out the same time they do so waiitng or driving them is not happening.

Best. Quote. Ever.

Zehava

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:39 pm

mommy201 wrote:

I almost feel like I'm talking to Blimie Heller when I read your posts! :-)

I am not her I assure you
She doesn’t do consequences. Like ever. And there are other areas I disagree with her. Also, I’d never be arrogant enough to tell anyone to do what I’m doing. Every person is different and their struggles are different.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

I don't think that it is fair to call her "arrogant" are you saying that anyone who gives a class or shares information publicly is arrogant? you may not agree with her, and thats fine, but you are calling her something derogatory because she shares her experiences?

Zehava

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:54 pm

pizza4 wrote:

It’s part of natural consequences. As ruchel Weiss says “let your child learn life”
Not everything in your child’s life is your responsibility.

Zehava

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 12:57 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

Not at all
For me, I think, telling others how to parent would be arrogant.
I imagine, hope, that anyone who gives a class does a ton of research or maybe has a degree. And even then there’s no way it will work for everyone. It’s a big responsibility.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 1:03 pm

Zehava wrote:

This I agree with. I enjoyed this particular course bec I found she was very well backed by loads of research

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 1:29 pm

Hi everyone
Just want to remind you to be careful when talking about other people who may be on here or may not be on here - doesn’t matter- they are still deserving of our basic respect-
And I promise- I will try to post more respectfully to you as well.
Let’s be mindful

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 1:31 pm

Zehava wrote:

Deleted

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 2:12 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I don't know. Years ago parents did not have these problems. Children were taught that when Mother says it's time for supper, homework, bath, etc. you listened.

Gentle parenting is giving kids a five minute heads up to help them transition.

Zehava

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 2:22 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

By years ago I assume you mean my parents generation. Or even grandparents. The 1950s to 1970s. The venerated dr Spock. Love and logic. And lookitty look at how those well-behaved obedient children turned out.

#BestBubby

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 2:25 pm

Zehava wrote:

Waaaaaaay better than today's Millennial generation. Dr. Spock was actually the beginning of the "gentle parenting" movement which gets more extreme all the time.

mommy201

Fri, Jan 17 2020, 3:09 pm

pizza4 wrote:

Moral of the story, do your best and also sleep enough.

Lol! We’re all human and fall. The main thing is that our minds should be straight and we own up to our actions and get back on track.