Getting the kids out of bed (especially minyan boys)

nchr

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:01 am

I will not wake up my children nor will DH. By the time they need to go to playgroup they are expected to wake up and dress themselves then come to the kitchen and eat. I won't ever wake a sleeping child who has no school etc. so that's not relevant. DH and I spoke about this before we had kids and were pretty adamant about no coddling etc. because of its convenience and our lifestyle (both work long hours). I also personally do not like waking people up so this works. One son needs a little help like an alarm so we have one and also have his lights on a timer.

salt

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:29 am

nchr wrote:

What do you do if they don't wake on time up?
It's not clear to me what you're saying - what do you call 'coddling' - waking sleeping kids up, or letting them sleep in?

amother

White

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:33 am

nchr wrote:

You’re obviously just dealing with toddlers. That’s not counted. We’re talking about older kids who have to make a school bus or a minyan. When you get to that stage you will realize that you cannot just let them sleep until they’re done. And yes, setting an alarm clock does count as waking them up!

salt

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:34 am

nchr wrote:

Sorry, I'm not picking on you, what you write actually looks interesting, so I am really trying to understand.
Why won't you ever wake a sleeping child who has no school? Would you wake them for minyan, camp, a bris, a plane, I can't really think of other examples? Or maybe that's included in the 'etc'.

amother

Silver

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 7:45 am

It depends on the kids' natures. My oldest will wake up on the dot every morning from his alarm and out the door within 10 min, arriving to school exactly on time to the minute. My second son wakes up every morning on his own 45 min before he has to leave, takes his time, eats breakfast, and then leaves to school early getting there about 10 min early. My third son is a need-my-sleep teenager. He sleeps through his alarm just like I did when I was that age. If I dont wake him up he would sleep till 11:00. So most mornings I'm schlepping him out of bed, handing him his clothing to make it easier for him and to speed him up, and he is about 5 min late every day.
Each one according to his way.

nchr

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:06 am

I want to clarify. Neither my parents nor DH's parents ever woke up children - not for minyan - not for school - ever. If you train your children from when they are 2 years old that they need to be responsible for themselves or face whatever consequences there are they will learn to get up and you won't need to worry about it and if they still miss buses and schoo consistently it is their problem. It is not my job to wake up an 8 year old and it won't be my job to wake up a 15 year old either. I don't believe in hovering as a parent. As for babies not in school, I just let them sleep and if we need to go somewhere I take them in pajamas, etc. and hope they stay sleeping.

I won't wake up sleeping people because I personally have a sensitivity to it halahcically and if you train your children to waking up on their own, if they are not, then they probably need it. I've never woken DH up. It's rude IMO.

As a teen a child knows if he is late his Rebbe will be on his head, he will have an issue with shidduchim etc. DH and I are both rather late so maybe our kids will inherit that but it's their choice. My son in kitta gimmel knows if he wakes up late or dilly dallies then he can have 2 passes for tardiness a year or 2 for missing school for no reason but afterwards he can walk to cheder (with DH or our cleaning lady driving near) or can be driven to cheder and pay a knas (he earns money from chores). I don't give tardiness notes because I think kids should deal with their own choices (obviously a doctor or a simcha is different).

And that is his choice, not mine. And it will always be his choice. I don't have the time to be micro managing anyone's life and I dont want to.

mrsjay

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:27 am

nchr wrote:

While I so appreciate your old school mentality and I am a huge advocate for child independence and responsibility ... in the most respectful way I ask “don’t you think driving next to a kid while walking to school is a bit over the top?”

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:43 am

And what if you have to drive your kids who are awake to school and others are still sleeping? They can't be left unattended...
Just sounds not practical for every home...

I don't think waking up kids is hovering. In my city, sunrise can be 8 am. School starts at 8:30. Expecting a 4 yo to wake up with the sun and get up and ready without a parent's cue and have enough time on a daily basis is expecting a lot. I can't even imagine "training" a 2 yo!!

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:50 am

nchr you're lucky, maybe. I have teens who I have tried to let them take responsibility for getting up, the result was that they missed many many days of school (even after I became involved). Any consequences t just have us a worse consequence back. Obviously we are getting help and trying different strategies but just letting everyone here know that every kid is different as just because a parent does X does not necessarily mean that the child will do Y.

thunderstorm

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 8:58 am

My kids wake themselves, B”H.
One of my kids had a hard time waking up. He missed the bus all too often and my DH would drive him. Then one day he missed the bus and he continued sleeping. My DH and I had to go to work and left the house for the day . He was a teen and I decided that he will have to figure it out on his own. I assumed he’d just stay home. He ended up walking two hours to school that day. He never woke up late again.
Sometimes we enable the waking up late without us even realizing it.

amother

Silver

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 9:38 am

Teens are very different. They need their sleep, developmentally. You think you've trained your child and then comes the teenage years. It's very hard on them to wake up early for a long boring minyan in school.
My motto is not to enable but to help. When I see my son is late and rushing, I will quickly find the clothing he still needs. I will buy them scooters or bikes to get to school faster. I will buy the yogurt they like so they can grab one on the way out the door. I make sure they have the right kind of alarm clock. I aim to be considerate and compassionate to their needs while still leaving the bulk of responsibility on them. I reward them every few weeks for being on time.
My boys don't have bussing, I wish they did, for safety reasons.

nchr

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 10:06 am

mrsjay wrote:

No. I don't think it is over the top. I think it is over the top for parents to spend time fighting with their children to wake up, which just creates a tense atmosphere.

amother

Silver

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 11:05 am

nchr wrote:

No. I don't think it is over the top. I think it is over the top for parents to spend time fighting with their children to wake up, which just creates a tense atmosphere.

Similar was done to me as a teen. And trust me it created bad feelings, tension, and resentment.
I almost never made it to school throughout high school. I just barely graduated. And I was a straight A student which is why I suppose they let me through. Waking up and getting to school was the hardest part of my day and I could not do it on my own no matter how many times I was left to wake up on my own. Until I hit 14, I was up and early on time every single day.
I would never let that happen to my own child.
Besides which, I care about them making zman krias shema so I definitely do wake them on shabbos or vacation days.

amother

White

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 11:11 am

I’m very resentful that my mother never got up to help me get ready for school in the mornings, give me food...
I’m happy to be there for my kids.
I tell them that they are so lucky that their mother is around for them in the morning and they know it’s true.
Sad for kids to be completely o their own without feeling their parents love before they leave the house for the day.

Hashem_Yaazor

Wed, Jan 15 2020, 11:16 am

nchr wrote:

No. I don't think it is over the top. I think it is over the top for parents to spend time fighting with their children to wake up, which just creates a tense atmosphere.

Waking up children does not have to mean fighting with them. For sure I don't fight with my teens; I have offered my help for them to wake up, they have an alarm clock, beyond that is their problem.
But to first come in the room for any age kid and gently and positively wish them a boker tov, maybe rub their back, help them acclimate to the light turning on, and pump them up for a new day is not fighting.