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So what actually works instead of hitting?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:45 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
Am I the only parent who learned how to parent from supernanny Speechless ? Her techniques work wonders. I love her. Even for my special child.


Can you give some tips?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:46 pm
21young wrote:
Very consistent schedule and structure so the kids know what to expect when.

Ignore bad behavior, keeping calm.

Good behavior reward charts.

Trying to eliminate distractions and give them my full attention

during the afternoon - no phone, including shmoozing, supper prepped in advance, etc.


What do yo do if child:

Hits you
Call you names (crazy, stupid)
refuses to listen (clean up toys, come to supper/bath/pajamas)
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:47 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I would lock the door so the child won't keep coming out. Modern Parenting is hard enough with don't hit, don't yell. No need to make parenting even harder, parents are under enough stress.


Since when is being a good parent supposed to be easy? It's hard to wake up multiple times at night with a newborn. It's hard to prepare three nutritious meals a day for growing humans. It's hard to clean up vomit and diarrhea and hold a sick toddler all day because that's his only comfort. We don't have to look for shortcuts when it comes at the expense of a child's emotional health.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:48 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Hitting works. But in these times, children will view it as abuse and it will damage the relationship so need to find some other EFFECTIVE way to teach children to be Mentchen.


It never worked for me, I don't know why. As a child, yelling or an occasional patch worked. As a parent after patching a few times, I stopped. It really didn't work.
Still in the process of finding out what does work, I find every day, every child, different things are effective.

Loved the other thread about gentle parenting and all the discussion for and against. Gave me great tips.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:50 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Since when is being a good parent supposed to be easy? It's hard to wake up multiple times at night with a newborn. It's hard to prepare three nutritious meals a day for growing humans. It's hard to clean up vomit and diarrhea and hold a sick toddler all day because that's his only comfort. We don't have to look for shortcuts when it comes at the expense of a child's emotional health.


When you make parenting too hard, parents are more likely to lose control hit/yell.

Better to lock kid in room 10 minutes then hit or yell.
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Sara89




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:54 pm
forget locking your child in his room for a few min. try locking yourself in your room for a few min to keep your own emotions under control before responding if needed. you never want to react when emotionally dysregulated or you are modeling the opposite of how you want your child to behave.
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mra01385




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 7:55 pm
I think 10 minutes is way too long for a child under age 5 or 6 to be locked in room. 10 minutes feels like forever for them. Parenting educators say children should get time out corresponding to their age. So 2 minutes of time out for 2 yr old, and tell child why he is time out.
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amother




Blue
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:00 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
When you make parenting too hard, parents are more likely to lose control hit/yell.

Better to lock kid in room 10 minutes then hit or yell.

I was locked up in the closet or the basement as a kid (or kicked out of the house as a teen). The only thing I learned is that I was not welcome and I dont speak to my parents today. Kids are not animals who need to be locked in a "cage" (or beaten for the matter) so please dont do that as it will harm your relationship with them in the long run.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:00 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
It always worked for me.


Define worked.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:00 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Hitting works. But in these times, children will view it as abuse and it will damage the relationship so need to find some other EFFECTIVE way to teach children to be Mentchen.


It never worked for me, I don't know why. As a child, yelling or an occasional patch worked. As a parent after patching a few times, I stopped. It really didn't work.
Still in the process of finding out what does work, I find every day, every child, different things are effective.

Loved the other thread about gentle parenting and all the discussion for and against. Gave me great tips.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:02 pm
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
I was locked up in the closet or the basement as a kid (or kicked out of the house as a teen). The only thing I learned is that I was not welcome and I dont speak to my parents today. Kids are not animals who need to be locked in a "cage" (or beaten for the matter) so please dont do that as it will harm your relationship with them in the long run.


A child's room is not a scary closet or basement. ANd it's not being kicked out.
Not the same.

So sorry what your parents did but this is different.
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amother




Navy
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:03 pm
When you're cooking, let them "help". Sit them down at the table wearing aprons, and give them bananas or avocados to cut with plastic knives and a big bowl to put the banana/avocado slices in.
Or give them clementines, a bowl for the peels, and a bowl for the clementine sections.
Give them raw potatoes and scrubby brushes (like a shabbos sponge/brush thingy) and bowls of shallow water and have them "clean" the potatoes.
They'll feel the responsibility, and they'll be occupied and not under your feet
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:04 pm
Sara89 wrote:
forget locking your child in his room for a few min. try locking yourself in your room for a few min to keep your own emotions under control before responding if needed. you never want to react when emotionally dysregulated or you are modeling the opposite of how you want your child to behave.


That is another tip I recommend and the gentle parenting moms say I am "abandoning" my child when s/he is upset. Hey, parents are people too and also get upset. I think parents taking time out to calm down is great. People put too many demands on parents. Not fair.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:05 pm
My kids know the concept of down-time from when they can talk. If someone has a hard time being around others, they must take some downtime in their room for as many minutes as their age. You see, I too take my downtime and I tell my kids, "I feel like I need some downtime. I'm going into my room for 10 minutes." And then I lock myself in so they can't disturb me.

They've come to see downtime, not as a punishment, but as a helpful way to center themselves.

"You hit your brother, that means you need some downtime because it's not ok to use hands." or "You are talking disrespectfully. If you continue to talk this way, you will have to go to your room until you're calm enough to continue this conversation in a respectful way."
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:07 pm
With really little ones, like a 2 year old, sometimes a big huge tight hug helps distract them and gives them the sensory input they need.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:11 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
When you make parenting too hard, parents are more likely to lose control hit/yell.

Better to lock kid in room 10 minutes then hit or yell.


Well yes, better to give your child frosted flakes for breakfast than no breakfast at all. That doesn't make it a good piece of advice.
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amother




White
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:12 pm
1) kids need routine and a schedule. They need to know what to expect and feel secure in it. They need food and drinks at the right time, the right amount of sleep, and bathroom trips too. All this cuts out a majority of bad behaviors.
2) kids need positive attention. Just like we water a flower in order for it to grow. Positive attention is like watering a flower. Kids like to do well, they want to do well. Create space for them to do well. Emphasize the things they do well. Compliment them, thank them, state their positive qualities. Hug them, kiss them, make them feel loved. This leads them to wanting to do even better. Surprise them once in a while with a favorite food, etc. Smile a lot. Say yes.
3) pick your battles. Know what is developmentally appropriate. You wouldnt reprimand a 3 month old for not sitting up yet or your 15 year old for not holding down a full time job. A 2 year old hitting or biting is not bad behavior. A moody preteen is great- perfect timing. Choose what to overlook and what must be dealt with. Ask yourself: "Will this matter in 20 years?" Consider what is the reason or motivation for the bad behavior? Does this need a punishment or does it need a solution?
4) treat a child the way you would like to be treated. Give the child a sense of basic respect, personal dignity. Don't embarrass or harass or insult a child.
5) instead of calling out to a child in public to stop his misbehavior, speak to him quietly in a different room about his unacceptable behavior. Teach the right way quietly and firmly.
6) do-overs. When a child makes a mistake, do a do-over right away. Dont let the bad feelings linger. Just teach and model the right way for next time.
ETA: 7) keep your kids busy. Busy and engaged means no time for trouble. I dont mean entertain them. They need enough projects, activities, books, games, toys, etc, on hand to keep themselves occupied.

I have 7 children kah. And no I'm not perfect. This is what I aim for.
I will never ever hit a child. Hitting undoes everything you want to teach.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:13 pm
Some ideas that worked for me:

Natural consequences.

Bribes (I did that a lot over the years, still do).

For little kids, like under three, if a child did something wrong I would first say "no, we can't do that". Sometimes it worked. If they did it again, I would hold their hand down for a minute (they hate that), while saying the same. It works well, but it's abusive if done often.

A time out for older kids who can't control themselves - that would be a natural consequence - you need some time to calm down, come out of your room when you are ready to behave.

In general, positive reinforcement, compliments, positive attention - is the flip side of discipline. When you have a lot of positive interactions, you have "money in the bank", so you can do some withdrawals without negative consequences - your punishments don't affect the relationship as much.
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amother




Lime
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:15 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
Am I the only parent who learned how to parent from supernanny Speechless ? Her techniques work wonders. I love her. Even for my special child.
this woman is abusive and has no idea what she is doing ! I saw one clip of her trying to do time out to a little girl and I was in shock how out of touch she was with the child
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 8:16 pm
If you need to put your kid in time out so that he shouldn’t hurt or destroy you can go in with him so that he doesn’t feel abandoned
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