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So what actually works instead of hitting?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:16 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Well yes, better to give your child frosted flakes for breakfast than no breakfast at all. That doesn't make it a good piece of advice.


Every parent has different tolerance. You may be super-woman patient but not
everyone is.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:19 pm
Stars wrote:
Define worked.


When used as a threat.

I'm a pretty easygoing mother, and I don't have a lot of rules, but sometimes kids really act defiant, and "if you don't get into pajamas by the count of three I'm going to give you a potch" worked every time. I don't remember if I ever actually had to GIVE that potch. (I generally TRIED to say things like "if you get into pajamas really quickly I'll read you a story", but life isn't always perfect and sometimes they just have to LISTEN even without a reward).

I potched for chutzpah, and it worked because my kids are b'h not chutzpadik. (Maybe they wouldn't have been anyways, who knows?)

My kid once ran ahead of me into the street. After I told her that it's dangerous and she has to hold my hand. She was definitely old enough to know better. She got potched and I don't remember she did it again.

I have heard that you are allowed to potch for chutzpah and if a kid does something dangerous, and that's pretty much what I did.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:22 pm
Mommyg8, not obeying a command to don PJ's is not considered chutzpah
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:23 pm
shaqued_almond wrote:
I never hit my kids but they are trying to hit me a lot (2 and almost 4). They behave like I have no right to tell them what to do or to take away something dangerous or breakable. They also want attention all the time, I can't even cook without getting interrupted. What techniques in your experience had the best results (meaning they listen and keep away from danger)


When they try to hit you, take their hand and hold it down. Say, you are not allowed to hit a mommy. Rinse and repeat until they stop. Or you can put them in time out (my friend taught me to put a child in the high chair as a punishment - it's not dangerous, it's not hurtful, it's not traumatizing, but you're making a point).
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:23 pm
pause wrote:
Mommyg8, not obeying a command to don PJ's is not considered chutzpah


Ok, so I potched for other things too.

Anyway, I do think it's chutzpah. Not listening to a parent is chutzpah.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:26 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Every parent has different tolerance. You may be super-woman patient but not
everyone is.


I am most definitely not super woman anything!

I have found that the nurtured heart approach had a dramatic effect on both me and my kids. Most of these issues don't even come up anymore since I've implemented it.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:29 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
Ok, so I potched for other things too.

Anyway, I do think it's chutzpah. Not listening to a parent is chutzpah.


Ok. Cool.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:40 pm
Hitting really doesn't work for most kids. Some kids laugh it off; others don't make the connection.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:40 pm
pause wrote:
Mommyg8, not obeying a command to don PJ's is not considered chutzpah


It's defiance.
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sneakermom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 10:48 pm
1. I will echo what others have said. A basic structure in the house gives security.
2. Respond to the child’s emotional needs. Ask yourself, “what is causing this behavior?”
3. Most often kids want attachment and containment (boundaries)
4. Dignity first!!
5. Keep them occupied
6. Self compassion and nurturing your own inner child helps too. The more you are healed or filled the more you have to give.
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21young




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:00 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
What do yo do if child:

Hits you
Call you names (crazy, stupid)
refuses to listen (clean up toys, come to supper/bath/pajamas)


First, it depends on the child’s age. My 2-year old hits. It’s age appropriate, so I calmly and firmly tell him no and hold his hands down. Sometimes if I’m tired I yell at him (which causes him to cry, because it happens rarely but I’m human) and then I get up from the couch or wherever I am, removing myself from the situation.

Calling names - doesn’t happen often but if it does a very firm reprimand and removal of a privilege does the trick, as long as it’s an immediate consequence, like no bedtime story tonight.

Refuses to listen - that’s the most common on this list. I try to choose my battles, use a behavior chart for the things I really care about, and try to actively work with them to make things happen. For example, yelling at them “Go to bed” from the couch doesn’t work. Holding their hand and walking to the bedroom while starting shema, and sitting on their bed for a proper story and tucking them in, works no problem.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:20 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
If you need to put your kid in time out so that he shouldn’t hurt or destroy you can go in with him so that he doesn’t feel abandoned


That is rewarding bad behavior.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:43 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
That is rewarding bad behavior.


It's interesting that you seem to believe separating children from parents is the only effective method of teaching correct behavior.
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:49 pm
I used to potch years ago, not knowing any better, (that was the advice I got from everyone) and saw an almost immediate increase in my kids own hitting, they hit each other more that day, they hit me. I said, this is not working for me. Everyone told me, chutzpah deserves a potch, running into the street needs a potch. But what if it just doesn't help?
Same with time out. Same with counting to 3. Giving consequences/punishment. Charts.
But when I said this didn't work for me or my child I heard in return, you must've not been doing the technique right. Oh. I'm an idiot. Gotcha.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:51 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
It's interesting that you seem to believe separating children from parents is the only effective method of teaching correct behavior.


Not the only. Every child is different.

1. Talking to child, explaining why it's wrong.

2. Set up reward chart.

3. Taking away toy,

4. loss of privilege (bedtime story)

5. Mom going into time-out. Taking a break away from kids to calm down.

6. child going into time-out.
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:51 pm
It's very hard for me, to stay gentle and use problem solving. The way I grew up is so ingrained. It's like sometimes a parenting moment is a trigger.
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pizza4




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:53 pm
Best bubby the only part I agree with you is, the parent taking time out when overwhelmed.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:53 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
It's interesting that you seem to believe separating children from parents is the only effective method of teaching correct behavior.


Don't you agree that 1:1 time with mom is the biggest reward for child.

Why would you give it for bad behavior? that is Rewarding/Reinforcing bad behavior.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:56 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
I am most definitely not super woman anything!

I have found that the nurtured heart approach had a dramatic effect on both me and my kids. Most of these issues don't even come up anymore since I've implemented it.


IF it works, great!

But I am disturbed when parents use gentle parenting and their child's bad behavior escalates to the point where kids are hitting parents and calling them crazy, stupid, etc.
But the parent's won't give up on a method that is not working for THIS PARTICULAR child!?!?
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 19 2020, 11:57 pm
Best thing is to model good behavior yourself and make sure your children have a clear understanding of what behavior is expected from them. Parents should be on the same page and not fight in front of children and or discuss adult topics in front of them. There need to be age appropriate consequences and children need to be disciplined and held accountable for their behavior with consequences that are either natural or have been clearly laid out (ie my child knows he will get a time out it he throws a toy).
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