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So what actually works instead of hitting?
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 9:15 am
My 3 year old and 5 year old love, love, love the MiddosMan books and concept. It really empowers them so I try to parent with the concept.

So bedtime might go like this.

Me: pajama time
Kids: no. We're still playing. (Getting ready for tantrums)
Me: oh no! It looks like Mr. Yetzer Hora is trying to get so strong. It looks like Mr Yetzer Hora is saying "let's not listen to Mommy. Let's scream or hit Mommy." Who wants to help me hit Me Yetzer Hora?
I then proceed to swat the air : go away naughty Yetzer Hora. I don't want to listen to you. You're bad. You tell me to do bad things. (This is their favorite part, so they join me in the "hitting". It changes the mood.)
Me: now that the Yetzer Hora is gone, who can tell me what the Yetzer Tov is saying.
Then I help them express 5 more minutes or extra story or whatever to make bedtime more appealing.
If they start melting down, we go back and "hit" the Yetzer Hora again.

It's not perfect, and I'm not perfect.
But the concept appeals to both of us, and gives them a sense of control.
It helps them tap into what their inner voices are saying under the tantrum, and gives humor to the situation without letting them step all over me. But it does take time and flexibility, and I'm still adapting it. And of course I'm human and lose control, but I try.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:36 am
The main idea is what does working mean? If you consider good parenting to mean you stopped a behavior that you didn’t like from being repeated by whatever means it took then sure hitting, removing yourself from your child etc might work. However good parenting is not about the immediate result. What we want to have in mind when raising our kids is what they will be like as adults what will they feel like as a result of the way we parented.
I can tell you from my own experience that my daughter when she’d get upset would say ‘I hate myself’ wow that was hard to hear but that was a direct result of parenting in a belittling way. When we make our children feel horrible for what they’ve done they start to judge themselves harshly as well. Since I’ve adapted respectful parenting it has truly made such an impact in the overall energy in the house. And now when she gets really upset she might scream I hate you but trust me for her emotional and mental health I burst with happiness inside when I hear I hate you rather than I hate myself. Now of course some of you might say what do you mean that is such chutzpah to say I hate you well you know what I don’t take it personally I see beyond the behavior to the girl inside who’s having a very hard time with whatever the situation is and I will be right there if she needs me while she regulates herself and figures out how to move forward.
Parenting is about long term goals not short term results
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 11:37 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
The main idea is what does working mean? If you consider good parenting to mean you stopped a behavior that you didn’t like from being repeated by whatever means it took then sure hitting, removing yourself from your child etc might work. However good parenting is not about the immediate result. What we want to have in mind when raising our kids is what they will be like as adults what will they feel like as a result of the way we parented.
I can tell you from my own experience that my daughter when she’d get upset would say ‘I hate myself’ wow that was hard to hear but that was a direct result of parenting in a belittling way. When we make our children feel horrible for what they’ve done they start to judge themselves harshly as well. Since I’ve adapted respectful parenting it has truly made such an impact in the overall energy in the house. And now when she gets really upset she might scream I hate you but trust me for her emotional and mental health I burst with happiness inside when I hear I hate you rather than I hate myself. Now of course some of you might say what do you mean that is such chutzpah to say I hate you well you know what I don’t take it personally I see beyond the behavior to the girl inside who’s having a very hard time with whatever the situation is and I will be right there if she needs me while she regulates herself and figures out how to move forward.
Parenting is about long term goals not short term results

Awesome
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:00 pm
https://www.amazon.com/Playful.....02294

Phenomenal book! I wish I had it when DD was younger. I use a lot of the techniques in babysitting, because I like to sit for 2 to 5 year olds. (There is a lot of advice for older kids, as well.)
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:19 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Best bubby- I don’t put my kids in a room as punishment. I only put them there to remove them from other children who are in danger of being hurt. I only put them in a room to calm down. What better way to calm down than with mom there coregulating with them? When they are calm they come out. When they are calm I discipline. They don’t hit more. They don’t want to hit. These are little children who are still lmpulsive and need to learn. What better way to learn than through love.
Love from a kind parent who disciplines out of a caring regulated place. (No I do not consider myself a friend- yes a parent can be kind hearted and understanding)
My children love me- do yours?

ETA- this took a lot of hard inner work on my part.
ETA- I’m not saying this works. I have no clue what “works” but my moms way of disciplining didn’t work on me. And yes I tried it at first and it didn’t sit right with me


My children love me. I didn't hit. But there were certain "red lines" that could not be crossed:

1. chutzpah

2. hitting

3. defiance (refusal to do what Mom said)

The above got a serious talking to or punished.
I was not strict on other misbehavior or grades etc.
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forgetit




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:27 pm
Food
Sleep
Validation/Empathy/Attention
I know this is oversimplified, but 95% of the time my young kids act out, its for one of the above reasons.
Thankfully, on an average day they are not difficult to supply.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:30 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
My children love me. I didn't hit. But there were certain "red lines" that could not be crossed:

1. chutzpah

2. hitting

3. defiance (refusal to do what Mom said)

The above got a serious talking to or punished.
I was not strict on other misbehavior or grades etc.

Did you try to understand the meaning behind the defiance? Just asking because I was awfully defiant and I guess if you were my mum you’d have locked me up big time but being defiant was my cry for help that went unheard
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:31 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Did you try to understand the meaning behind the defiance? Just asking because I was awfully defiant and I guess if you were my mum you’d have locked me up big time but being defiant was my cry for help that went unheard

Oh and I hit and was chutzpadig too!
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 12:34 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Oh and I hit and was chutzpadig too!

Oh and I forgot to say that I was locked up and boy did it help! No more chutzpah... no more anger directed outward, now it was anger directed inward in the form of self hate self harm etc
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:20 pm
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
The main idea is what does working mean? If you consider good parenting to mean you stopped a behavior that you didn’t like from being repeated by whatever means it took then sure hitting, removing yourself from your child etc might work. However good parenting is not about the immediate result. What we want to have in mind when raising our kids is what they will be like as adults what will they feel like as a result of the way we parented.
I can tell you from my own experience that my daughter when she’d get upset would say ‘I hate myself’ wow that was hard to hear but that was a direct result of parenting in a belittling way. When we make our children feel horrible for what they’ve done they start to judge themselves harshly as well. Since I’ve adapted respectful parenting it has truly made such an impact in the overall energy in the house. And now when she gets really upset she might scream I hate you but trust me for her emotional and mental health I burst with happiness inside when I hear I hate you rather than I hate myself. Now of course some of you might say what do you mean that is such chutzpah to say I hate you well you know what I don’t take it personally I see beyond the behavior to the girl inside who’s having a very hard time with whatever the situation is and I will be right there if she needs me while she regulates herself and figures out how to move forward.
Parenting is about long term goals not short term results


Well 36% of the Millennial Generation - most raised with gentle parenting - are dysfunctional:
unable/unwilling to hold down a job and live with and are supported by their parents!

So that is an example that gentle parenting is long-term unsuccessful.

Also, there is more violence and bullying today then previous generations despite (or because?)
the "gentle parenting".
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:53 pm
Stars wrote:
So it's working for the moment, yay. Have you thought about what will happen when your kids grow up? How long will you keep threatening potches, 14? 16? 18? 20?

My kids also ran into the street ahead of me one time (age 5 and above. The potch for unsafe things is for 3 and under because they don't understand punishment yet). You know what I did? I told them strictly if they ever did it again they'd be grounded for a month. They never did it again. Because they know I will carry out my word.


My children are way past the ages you mentioned, so yes, I guess we have thought about that.

Honestly, I think being grounded for a month is way past my comfort level of cruel and unusual punishments. Even being grounded for a day is a lot. Especially for a three year old.

And b'h my kids are really good and well behaved.

Nothing to do with potching or not potching, to be honest, and maybe my children were just born good. But it helped at the time. My daughter didn't run into the street for the next few weeks so it worked.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:54 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Wow are you serious!? You are so strict


Trust me, I am the least strict mother on the planet (and it's not necessarily a good thing).

But I still think that children have to listen to parents. You disagree?
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:55 pm
Laiya wrote:
Also, according to halacha a parent cannot hit out of anger. Too often parents who hit, justify it by saying it's parenting when in reality, they're just angry.


I see this a lot and I'm curious - where is this halacha? I mean, definitely it's a great thing not to hit when you're angry - but as a halacha?
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:55 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Well 36% of the Millennial Generation - most raised with gentle parenting - are dysfunctional:
unable/unwilling to hold down a job and live with and are supported by their parents!

So that is an example that gentle parenting is long-term unsuccessful.

Also, there is more violence and bullying today then previous generations despite (or because?)
the "gentle parenting".


Not sure what you mean?
Last generation was not gentle parenting at all from what I know
Also gentle parenting has a lot of firm boundaries, parents who practice gentle parenting without this side to the method are not really implementing the full deal so we cant read from the results
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:56 pm
pause wrote:
More often than not, when a kid refuses to put on PJ's, it's the kid wanting to play and the toy is more compelling than PJ's. That's not defiance, in my book. That's a kid who wants to play. I would gently hold onto the kid's hand and lead him away from the toy to his room. Or I would say, "Now is PJ time, but if you're ready before x time, you'll be able to play another few minutes."

Turning bedtime into a power struggle, by calling such behavior defiance, is a reaaaaaaaaaaally bad idea.


It depends on the kid, it depends on the circumstances. Sometimes it's the kid just wanting to play, sometimes it's defiance. You can see it when you see it.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:57 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Not sure what you mean?
Last generation was not gentle parenting at all from what I know
Also gentle parenting has a lot of firm boundaries, parents who practice gentle parenting without this side to the method are not really implementing the full deal so we cant read from the results


Last generation was supposedly raised on Dr. Spock's principals, which was WAY gentler than the generation previous (and I have no idea what gentle parenting is so maybe I'd better bow out of this conversation Can't Believe It ).
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 2:59 pm
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Did you try to understand the meaning behind the defiance? Just asking because I was awfully defiant and I guess if you were my mum you’d have locked me up big time but being defiant was my cry for help that went unheard


I'm assuming that #BestBubby was a very loving parent. You're projecting your own life onto other people. Not every case of defiance is always a cry for help.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:04 pm
Zehava wrote:
It turns into defiance when the mother labels it defiance. Anything that makes a mother freak out becomes the next defiant behavior.


Yes, definitely. It's me freaking out, not them not listening Surprised .

Zehava, don't project every thing that happened to you on other people. It doesn't work.

And I'm shocked that nobody here thinks that kids are supposed to listen to their parents????
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:07 pm
shaqued_almond wrote:
I never hit my kids but they are trying to hit me a lot (2 and almost 4). They behave like I have no right to tell them what to do or to take away something dangerous or breakable. They also want attention all the time, I can't even cook without getting interrupted. What techniques in your experience had the best results (meaning they listen and keep away from danger)


I will almost never hit (or even scream at) my child bli neder, no matter how exhausted or frustrated, except if something very dangerous. I was hit (and so were my siblings) many times as a child and adult and it's the most degrading, horrible feeling ever and serves zero chinuch. All it accomplishes is making the person feel horrible and worthless like they will never amount to anything. especially that it usually came with screaming and name calling. Sad
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 20 2020, 3:07 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
Yes, definitely. It's me freaking out, not them not listening Surprised .

Zehava, don't project every thing that happened to you on other people. It doesn't work.

And I'm shocked that nobody here thinks that kids are supposed to listen to their parents????


They are supposed to learn to listen but they aren't born listening. As Sara Chana Radcliffe says, only a very ill child doesn't try to test boundaries. There are many ways to teach boundaries without hitting.
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