On children | Imamother

avrahamama

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 2:39 pm

Zehava wrote:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Sounds familiar. Kahlil Gibran? The prophet?

Our children are not our children they are also not the sons and daughters if life's longing. They are HKBH children. They are neshamot. Their neshamot don't dwell in the house of tomorrow. Their neshamot are gifted to you. To care for. To help grow. And to facilitate a closeness with HKBH both for yourself and your children. And BZH you have the zechut of nitzchiyut by so carefully cultivating a life of love and respect for each other and HKBH.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 3:47 pm

95% of parents are either good or good enough parents. The poem you've posted is describing an ideal, which is beautiful, but honestly if parents behaved like this all the time that would be... bizarre if not outright nuts. I mean, like the ever passionate and always happy marriage, as described by poets, these sorts of ideal relationships aren't normal, and they're really dysfunction on the opposite end of the spectrum. How so? A form of codependence and way for the parent to feel important and good about him/herself by being the 'ideal' parent they always wanted, rather than the normal parent their kid actually needs. The best ways to mess up your kids are to either neglect them or put them on a pedestal.

Sadly many adults who were abused as children haven't healed their own wounds yet, and try to compensate for the abuse they experienced by being overly nurturing, affectionate and attentive to their own children. Of course a place for those attributes in a relationship, but they need to be tempered by you as the parent having your own life, your own passionate marriage, your own good relationship with parents and siblings.

Let's put things in perspective: the Talmud says in one pocket we should have a paper saying we are dust, which we look at when we feel self-importance, like we deserve something (like better parents, for example...). And in the other pocket should be a paper saying we are part of the divine, which we should look at when someone (maybe even our parents) belittles us. The same applies to our kids. Hashem bless them, but they are not divine beings, and they certainly don't belong on pedestals. If we feel the need to do this, then we need emotional therapy.

bigsis144

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 3:58 pm

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

That poem is beautiful, but with my 5 very different children, I cant see how I could manage to be that perfect. Each child is it's own world, and once I've figured out how to parent in a way that attempts to correct mistakes I previously made with that child, the child goes through a new stage of development with challenges more baffling than the stage before. And this is happening with 5 children, simultaneously. So mistakes are constantly happening, I am always triggered from my own "stuff", and I fall so short of the ideals expressed in the poem. But I love them so completely, I literally devote my life to them, and trying to understand them, and parent in a way that heals and doesn't hurt.

(And they go to school, so they are "parented" by less than desirable peers and teachers making their mistakes, as well...so their wounds and self concept are not entirely in my control....)

How can I ever be good enough? Love just seems to have to be "enough"...

So well said!
I try so so hard, but holding myself to such a high standard will hurt and frustrate me to the point of making me a worse mother!

I remember my severe depression when my second child was born, how overwhelmed I was and how I thought my kids would be better off if I was dead because I just wasn’t enough. That I never COULD be enough.

And with new challenges emerging as my kids grow up, I keep having to catch up and fix my mistakes, no matter how well prepared I thought I was.

nchr

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:46 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Would love to hear your opinion nchr!

Seashell, I think most people are just trying to do their best and I'm sure you're a great mom. If you over analyze anything, it will always lead to disaster. I think one of the hardest things about parenting is just really wanting everything to be perfect because we love our children more than anything in the world. When we cannot live up to that perfect we feel guilty, but we shouldn't because we can only do our best. In addition, our need for perfection for our kids can translate into pressure for them. I want my kids to be fed, happy, clothed etc. And I want them to know that no matter what, I will always love them unconditionally. I think most parents feel the same way - we just need to figure out how to keep ourselves going when we aren't living up to our ideal perfections.

sushilover

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:10 pm

If the poem implies that parents should not attempt to teach or guide their children, then I disagree.
But I don't think that that's what he's saying.

I especially love the last line ,"so He loves also the bow that is stable." This stresses how important it is for parents have to be stable, healthy, grounded people. Our job is not to put our children first and turn ourselves into shmattes. It's about making sure that we nurture our own well being so that we can be the rocks that our children need.

Zehava

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:28 pm

sushilover wrote:

Absolutely