How to teach DD to think of others?

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 6:58 pm

DD7 is really a very good girl. Her teachers praise her to the heavens, telling me how smart, well-behaved, and mature she is. She does well in school and has friends.

At home, though, DH and I are struggling with how to address her self-centeredness. She sometimes cannot think of anyone outside of herself.

Example: We were planning on going out to eat tonight. She wanted pizza, but everyone else preferred a fleishig restaurant. She could not stop crying about how she wanted pizza, and she refused to acknowledge that it would be unfair to go to the place that only she wanted. She likes the other restaurant too, by the way. She just preferred pizza tonight. We ended up having to change our plans around due to her nonstop tantruming.

This kind of thing happens all the time. She will be quick to cry and complain about how something isn’t fair for her, though she never considers what might be fair or wanted by someone else. She is constantly measuring what she has against others.

Interestingly, she ticks off most of the boxes for being a HSP, beside for being very empathetic - she’s quite the opposite. My theory is that she feels everything so deeply - often crying and getting upset over unimportant things - that she cannot see anyone else’s feelings or perspective.

Thoughts on this? Does anyone have a similar child? Again, she really is overall a very good girl, but we struggle with how to parent her properly and teach her to see other perspectives.

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:09 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

You are rewarding her bad behavior by giving in to her. You need a 2 pronged approach. I. Don't give in to her tantrums. When they are not effective, she will stop. 2. Point out to her every chance you get when she hurts someone. Tell her what she did wrong and have her say she's sorry. Say things like you hurt your sister. Too bad you didn't start this earlier.

First off, we did not reward her behavior. We did not end up getting her the pizza she wanted. We took food in instead of going out, because we couldn’t take her out like that. But her siblings got to have treats that she didn’t have. She knew that was her punishment. We don’t give in to this behavior.

DH and I both really try to point out when she’s being inconsiderate of others, and to ask her how she’d feel in their place. We’ve been doing this for years. But she seems to have a real block in this area. It’s not that she’s intentionally hurting anyone, but she will cry and kvetch endlessly when she doesn’t get something she wants. Her younger sister is much more emotionally mature in comparison. The younger one will often be mevater for something, while the older one will never offer to give up anything.

I was really looking to hear if anyone else has a child with a similar personality, and how they learned to deal with it.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:14 pm

It's not about thinking of others. It sounds like she struggles with disappointment. First of all, this is not really abnormal for this age. You will want to validate her feelings, and let her know that it is disappointing when x or y happens. And teach her some self soothing techniques so she can get herself to calm down. Once she's in that zone she isn't capable of learning anything or being rational. So the learning had to happen when she's already calm.

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:20 pm

Is it really normal behavior? Dd is almost 8, but her 6 year old sister isn’t like this at all. Older dd (my oldest child) spends much of the day crying. Sometimes it’s because she doesn’t get something she wanted. Sometimes it’s because she hurt herself a little. She was absolutely sobbing in terror when she had to get the flu shot. She’s extremely sensitive.

I really think it’s related to her sensitive personality, more than just being age appropriate. She is sometimes so helpful, when she anyway wants to do what I ask. She loves to help with the baby so she’ll always agree. But if I ask her something she doesn’t feel like doing, she always refuses and puts up a fight. It’s her way or the highway. She’s very stubborn.

amother

Violet

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:35 pm

From Sara Chana Radcliffe Daily Parenting Post

When your child does poorly or fails in some way, she may feel crushed. Don't crumple right along with her, becoming as sad or even sadder than she is! She needs you for strength and support at times like these. Acknowledge her disappointment and loss and then stop talking for a bit. Instead of offering reassurance, give her space to mourn. When she finally perks up, recognizing that she can try again or try another way or find a way to be happy in spite of everything, then join her in her renewed optimism. Become her companion in times of stress.

Friends & family sign up at dailyparentingposts.com/sign-up

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:36 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

I agree with this. I would also try to empower her and show her how she can make other ppl happy by praising her for every tiny thing she does for her siblings that made them happy. Point it out to her every single time and clearly state that she made someone else happy. I love the book How Full is Your Bucket for Kids. I read it to my kids all the time and discuss the concept often.

Also, please stop comparing your children. Even if you only do it in your head. It will only be harmful for everyone.

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 9:58 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

The only reason I’ve compared is to show that this is particular to her personality. Oldest dd is a wonderful girl with a lot of strengths. I’m trying to figure out the best way to parent her, because each child is unique and needs something different.

amother

Hotpink

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Anyone else have a Highly Sensitive child?

Yes. Every single day is a challenge. I’m always questioning myself if I’m dealing with him properly. I can commiserate but don’t really have advice other than sticking your ground and not giving in to tantrums. Show her tons of love and talk about feelings etc. Validating his feelings helps a lot. Sometimes I have to physically hold him and hug him and help him calm down.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You rewarded her behavior by letting her control your whole family's plan. You are reinforcing her control.

amother

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 10:38 pm

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

Thanks for this.

I try to walk the fine line between acknowledging that in her mind it really is a big deal, but also helping her put things into perspective.

Laiya

Thu, Jan 30 2020, 11:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for this.

I try to walk the fine line between acknowledging that in her mind it really is a big deal, but also helping her put things into perspective.

I agree with doing a lot of validating. Sometimes a person needs to feel validated first, in order to be able to put things into perspective.

Want to add, validating means validating feelings, not necessarily behavior.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 12:44 am

Laiya wrote:

Yes I’m also thinking that you might want to spend more time and effort on the validating. It’s really important that kids feel understood before they can understand what we want to teach them. Validating you’re so in the mood of pizza you really wanted pizza without any mention of what anyone else wants will help her process her disappointment and help her move forward to being more receptive to your messages

nchr

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 7:14 am

IMO you teach your children to think of others by modeling that behavior. Talk about how it is important to give to others etc. However, what you're describing seems to be tantruming and your daughter trying to rule the roost. There need to be consequences for such behavior rather than rewards. You can acknowledge that she wanted pizza and everyone choice a different restaurant but don't give in to the tantrum because you will end up really disliking your child and doing her a major disservice if you do. Remind her of when you did have pizza and tell her she will have another chance to have pizza, but that everyone else wants something else (majority rules) etc. and her behavior is unacceptable.

amother

Gray

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 7:21 am

Have you ever heard of RET? It's a technique I use when talking to my narcissistic mom, but also works wonders on my (non-personality-disorder) kids!
R= reality. You just state the reality. "You want to go for pizza"
E= emotion. Say what she's feeling "you love pizza, and your upset that we want to go for fleishig"
T= truth. "But tonight we are going for fleishig"

Rinse and repeat. Be very calm and matter of fact. I literally just had this convoy with my tantrumming 3 year old. "You want soda for breakfast, and you're mad at mommy because I don't let. We are eating cereal now, and we can have a little soda at dinner".

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 8:46 am

I babysit a 4 year old who is just like this. His older sister and younger brother are not like him at all, they are so easy going.

The other day, this kid had a full on meltdown because I cut up his potato, and he wanted to do it himself. I had cut up everyone's potatoes, so there were no uncut potatoes to offer him. Screaming ensued, non stop.

I did the empathy thing. I told him that it would taste exactly the same as an uncut potato, but he insisted it would taste yucky now. He started in on this long whining tirade about how much he hated me.

I do not reward this kind of behavior, so I carried on preparing dinner for the other two kids who were sitting nicely at the table.

Mom came home from work, and immediately scoops him up and starts coddling him. She tells me "You cannot cut up his potato!" and I'm like "How was I supposed to know that? Every 4yo I know needs his potato cut up, because they can't have a knife!" She said "He picks it up and eats it whole, like an apple." I guess I'm not psychic enough. Rolling Eyes

So she's promising to go to the store and buy him more potatoes, that will be just his potatoes, and that nobody will ever be allowed to cut them again. He's still sobbing because there are not any more uncut potatoes and that "I ruined all of them". Meanwhile the other kids are eating nicely.

Mom is holding him and rocking him and promising him chocolate, even though he hasn't touched any of his dinner. She finally got him to the table, and then he screamed because there was a tiny piece of skin left on his salmon. Oh. M. Gee. I was about to lose it. The tantrums started all over again, and I thought it would never stop. I had to get him a new piece of salmon, inspect for any skin or brown flesh (pink only) and then put it on a plate that was not touched by cut up potatoes or icky salmon skin.

I had to count to ten in my head, and remind myself that this is just a job. It's like having an unreasonable boss, and that I get to go home at the end of the day. I just hope my extreme annoyance didn't get picked up by the mom.

Long story short, you cannot negotiate with terrorists.

(Thanks for letting me rant. I feel better now.)