How to teach DD to think of others?

amother

Periwinkle

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 5:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it really normal behavior? Dd is almost 8, but her 6 year old sister isn’t like this at all. Older dd (my oldest child) spends much of the day crying. Sometimes it’s because she doesn’t get something she wanted. Sometimes it’s because she hurt herself a little. She was absolutely sobbing in terror when she had to get the flu shot. She’s extremely sensitive.

I really think it’s related to her sensitive personality, more than just being age appropriate. She is sometimes so helpful, when she anyway wants to do what I ask. She loves to help with the baby so she’ll always agree. But if I ask her something she doesn’t feel like doing, she always refuses and puts up a fight. It’s her way or the highway. She’s very stubborn.

Normal doesn't mean that all kids do it. Normal means that it's within the range of normal behavior for kids her age. Of course personality plays into this, as with everything. Try to realize that for a highly sensitive person, these are truly painful experiences. Now, she still needs to learn to function within society, of course. IME providing empathy in the moment, as well as teaching self soothing techniques during calm times, really do help. I don't like the RET method described above, for kids. I think that they need more time to process their disappointment before being being reminded that they won't be getting what they want.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 6:21 am

I haven't read the whole thread yet - will get to that - but I completely disagree with some of the responses here.

I will say this, as the parent of a child who has been similar to yours OP, the advice I got (both professional and from a well-known mechanech) is that the way to teach a child to feel empathy is to model it to her very very much.

I think you are right on about the fact that your child feels very deeply, and you need to meet her where she's at. She needs intense validation for her own feelings. That's how she will be able to feel for others.

So she needs to hear that you feel so bad that she really wants Pizza, and fleishigs is working out for everyone else. She might even need a turn. such that there will be pizza another time, to show her that her feelings really mean something to you, and you understand that she wanted pizza so badly.

She will likely only be able to slowly respect other peoples' needs when hers are met. She needs this on a deep level.

Speaking from experience and wishing you Hatzlacha.

amother

Green

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 7:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a child like this. He is 8 years old and has always had a lot of difficulty with emotional regulation and flexibility. He sees things in black and white. Since he was a toddler, if things were different than what he thought they would be, he would just get stuck and have a meltdown. Same for if he wanted something and didn't get it. Empathy is definitely not his strength, and I find myself similarly to you marveling at how different he is from his sister who naturally thinks of others. He is also extremely sensitive to physical stimulation - taking him to the dentist or for shots is a nightmare. I've taken him to a social worker who worked with him on emotional regulation and empathy. I recently took him to an occupational therapist and it turns out that he has mild sensory integration disorder, which explains a lot of his behavior. I've had him evaluated in the past in school, but apparently only some OTs are trained enough to pick up on SID subtleties that don't necessarily present in the classic way. OT helped him learn tools for emotional regulation and also gave us as parents better tools for understanding him and helping him navigate sticky situations successfully. Whenever I take him for something invasive like to the dentist or doctor now, I tell them that he has sensory issues and they are much more careful to be gentle and make him comfortable. The OT also worked with him on empathy exercises.

amother

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 7:30 am

Chayalle wrote:

Thank you.

I posted because I wanted to hear from mothers who had btdt. I recognize that she’s different than my other children and I really want to work with her the best way I can.

My husband, OTOH, has zero patience for her behavior. Maybe it’s because he’s a person who’s naturally considerate of other’s needs. He gets very frustrated and ends up really telling her off, which leads to more crying on her part. From his perspective she is being very silly and selfish, which is true. But I don’t think he understands what’s going on in her very sensitive mind.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 31 2020, 7:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Perhaps it would help if the two of you would speak to someone together and get direction with this.

Men tend to be more action-oriented, and they want quick results. DH would love if we could take our daughter to someone who would just "fix" her (and there abound people who will claim to magically do that), but that's not realistic. Acquiring middos is a life long process for all of us, and some people are born with more challenges in particular areas.

I will say that I've seen tremendous growth in my DD B"H. But it's not a quick fix. And she will always have a certain strong personality that sees her own needs very strongly. And this is an asset - she has tremendous capabilities because of this. She's capable of seeing big things thru. Every single middah we are born with can be taken to a healthy direction if we channel it properly.

I find it's important to accept our children with their personalities and help them grow with what they are. Comparing them to what we think they ought to be based on other people's strengths that are not THEIR strengths, doesn't get us anywhere.