I need desperate advice and how would u deal?

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

ora_43

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 2:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Bh he does dorm a whole week, but one shabbos he is home causes lots of egmes nefesh and stress . There is so much going on in his independence. Lots of other bad influence @ home coming from him. (Not off the derech thank gut, im just talking about behavior issues ) honestly, im going to start working on a place for shabbusim as well.

I'm not saying this is wrong, necessarily. But the only real power you have when it comes to a teen's behavior is that on some level, they don't want to disappoint you.

I mean you also have the power to rescind privileges, and in a normal misbehavior situation it starts and ends there. But ultimately it's all about the relationship.

So if shabbosim are causing more stress for all of you, I get that, but make sure you also have a way to keep your relationship going.

In general - what quality time does he get with you? with your dh? I'm sure you love him a lot, but does he get enough opportunities to see that you also enjoy spending time with him? (I'm not accusing you of anything here, just something we should all consider once in a while)

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 2:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you all for all've u trying to help.

In the past we used to be firmer it didnt either halp nor did even more crazy things . We did speak to mentors, professionals, they all claimed we should be easier with him and give in . Now, that also doesnt seem to help or becomes any better. Can anyone tell me what the middle ballance is ?? I know relisticly being firmer, setting rules, wont help . Ive done that . I didnt get anywhere so far. My dh is a gentle person . Once in the blue he can loose himself , he is still human and he isnt dealing with such an easy child. So when my dh talks to him very firmly, my ds calls up the entire town (all his aunts, mentors,) that his father is abusing him . (My dh is far from an abuser , he doesnt even know how to) so in this case now we both feel lost . Not firm works nor does being easier work .. maybe I'll just include his principal to help me out with this.

Is it normal I feel depressed from this ?
I feel intimidated,
Its really affecting my health .
I know lots of ppl gave me advice to sit down with him , talk to him .... I dont feel he is capable of hearing us or taking this seriously.
I spoke to him soo many times , he just continues with his behaviour, im guessing it an out of hand situation. hes just out of control with being able to bend . I have to find out how to deal with his being impolsive . I think if someone is out of control talking to him wont help. To me it seems like he is out of control. He doesnt have the capability how to follow through. Im in new Jersey not far from monsey . If anyone knows of a good professional for impulsive behavior , I would appreciate to hear.

Your son falsely accuses you of abuse when you enforce your rules?????

Your son is abusing YOU! You are raising an abuser. I wouldn't want anyone I cared about
(all Klal Yisroel) marrying your son.

Find a mentor who believes in TOUGH LOVE to talk some sense into your DH.

Be PRO-ACTIVE - contact your son's mentors and family members and tell them how your
son is acting towards his parents. Get them on YOUR side so you can present a UNITED FRONT.

Tell your family that you are following Da'as Torah and/or Professional guidance and should
tell your DS to obey the rules or face the consequences.

It is shocking how parents let themselves be abused.

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 3:07 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

I think u and your dh need to seek professional help and learn new parenting skills. As I read your story, I kept thinking, “who’s the child and who’s the parent here?” You should not put up with dc ignoring you when you’ve all gone out so late at night-even your younger kids (?!). You’ve trained him to know you’ll put up with all his irresponsible behavior and he’s making shmatas out of u and your dh. Please get therapy for all of u.

MOdern parenting "experts" are the CAUSE of this outrageous chutzpah - telling parents to
ignore chutzpah and abuse, that it means the child is in "pain" - BALONEY!

Find an expert or ROV to back you up, OP, as your son FALSELY accuses you of abuse.

But make sure your "expert" believes in CONSEQUENCES for misbehavior - not getting away
with rule-breaking!

amother

Silver

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 3:27 pm

OP I wonder how your son behaves in school. Does he follow rules and instructions? Does he have friends?

My challenging son has made mincemeat out of too many teachers. He has like this sixth sense about adults who are supposed to be in charge. When he senses they are weak, he zooms right in and takes over. He takes all the power adults are willing to give up, and then some. He will take advantage. He will twist stories to make himself sound good. He will come up with loony ideas and feign innocence.
He also only responds well to positivity. Punishments, any negativity, makes him fly off the handle.
I'm making him sound like a monster chv. He is also my brightest, most creative, and such a good-hearted kid. Always volunteers to help. He is so popular in school, he can make a friend in a blink of an eye. He can raise hundreds of dollars in a day for tzedaka. He has so many strong points and so much energy.

Firstly I show him I am on his side. We are not in a power struggle. I tell him over and over and I show him, we are working together. I want the best for him, and he wants the best for him and we are a team. I tell him I will fight for him when necessary and I have, many times.
Secondly, I verbally show him how much I enjoy his presence. From the minute I see him in the morning until he goes to sleep at night, I am praising him, thanking him, complimenting him, smiling at him, catching him in the act of being good. Reinforcing positive behaviors. I reward him, surprise him out of the blue, etc., because he needs that extra measure of security and love.
Thirdly when necessary I firmly remind him: you are the child and I am your parent. Children must listen to their parents even if they dont agree or feel like listening. In every home a child listens to the parents. One day you will be the parent and your child will listen to you.
Fourthly- you have to know what works for your child. If I start to tell my son what he did wrong in front of even one other person, he will put on an attitude and I'll be wasting my breath. But if I go over to him at a time he is busy and alone, and say excuse me dear son I need your attention for a minute... you know how sometimes you do xyz etc etc I'm asking you to please not do that, it's really disruptive, bothers people, etc. And then I leave the room- this has 100% success rate.
Yes he needs to learn to stand with derech eretz and listen and apologize when necessary but he is not there yet. He is getting better though.
Lastly- for the first time he has a teacher who can handle his meshugassen. It really makes a difference.

Your son is a bit older and has been able to get away with things for too long. I think you will need a professional to straighten out the family dynamics.

If my son wanted to go out at night I don't say an immediate yes. I might say: that sounds fun! How will you arrange your night to make sure you are in bed at x time?
It makes the responsibility on him. He needs to schedule his night so that maariv is davened, he showers, and is in bed on time. If he doesnt stick to his commitment, next time I would say: xyz didn't work last time you promised, how will it be different this time? If he can't commit to being responsible, then he doesn't go. Or I say yes but he needs to be home earlier than what we made up last time.
If he would ever call a taxi and leave anyway, I would a) take away his phone until he learns to use it only for things I approve of b) take away his $ and hold it for him, giving him $5 at a time, or more when he learns he cannot spend his $ on things I do not approve of.

I hope this helps to give you some idea of how you can be both firm and gentle.

Eta: my son has settled down so much with these methods that he is truly a pleasure. The past few years there were times I was scared for him. Not anymore.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 3:49 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Your son has a lot similarities like my son . I guess u learned earlier how to deal. Believe me , I try too. things hadnt worked out yet . Its also that the husbend needs to step in and know how to deal. my husband did not know how to deal this right . My husbend yelled @ him often that he is not trustworthy, irresponsible,
My husband called him a liar, that was not too long ago. Could be he feels resentful for that, I cant change my husband , I cant change his actions, but had brought it up a lot to my husband. I always felt by us its one sided. that im improving and my husband not , so thats a big issue . I feel parents be on same page and work together is best , but sometimes it takes time for husband to get that. When I started praising my ds and being there , yea , things improved and are improving, very slowly. But if my husband starts laibling him even (just little things) he never laibeled him PROBLEM, but he mentioned that he is a lier , irresponsible, not trustworthy. Which is the case , but my son doesnt need to hear this . He shouldnt. So this interferes a lot when im Improving and my husband does differently.
could be thats why he is more resentful?

Laiya

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 3:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

. S/o mentioned I was being immature.. exactly in what way??

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it normal I feel depressed from this ?
I feel intimidated,
Its really affecting my health .

OP, your feelings of being intimidated are the basis of your entire issue with your son, and it's probably what the other poster meant when she said immature.

Forget your ds for right now. Only you can change your own thoughts and feelings. Only you can decide that you will change your thoughts and feelings so that you will no longer be afraid or intimidated by your ds, regardless of his behavior.

It's painful to hear that we need to change ourselves. But imo those feelings of being intimidated by your ds are poison to both of you and nothing in your situation will change until you are free of those feelings. Hatzlocha.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 3:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My husband is not an abuser but when he feels sometimes that things had gotten out of hands, my husband can mention these above things . Not stam azoy . Because it comes to a point that my dh also feels drained . We try to be very sensitive with ds, we compliment him, I listen to him , im there for him. Beginning when I ask ds to follow through things and tell him what I expect of him, he is agreeing with me. yet when comes l'masa its not happening any agreements he made . He doesnt commit to any rules or expectations we have for him.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 4:04 pm

right Op, obviously it would be better were you and DH able to get on the same page and hopefully a professional could help with this
even if not, while more challenging you can still make changes for yourself and your relationship with DS
and not put you in a position of "over compensating" or push pull...

if DS does not commit to any rules you have for him then what happens? what do you do?

amother

Silver

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 4:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I completely understand how your husband's reaction to him complicates things. I see why your son acts this way. And I hear the immense effort you've put in, trying again and again.

Will your husband agree to family therapy? So he can learn to parent instead of react.
In a way I thank Hashem for this child who taught me to parent, because I am a much better mother now for my other children as well. They also deserve so many compliments and positive attention even if they didn't drive me nuts for years first for me to realize it.

Good luck OP. You deserve a calm, relaxed parenting experience.

I used to say over and over to my husband, I cannot handle the negativity. The negativity isn't healthy for children to grow up with.

nechamashifra

Sun, Feb 02 2020, 5:34 pm

If your dh is not capable of driving up to your son and saying "get in the car", you're probably better off sending your son off to boot camp or a dorm. Your son needs an alpha male in his life.

myym

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 12:05 pm

Hi OP,

I'm sorry for all your struggles.
I work with someone excellent who specializes in children like your son who as other posters explained, is looking for limits.
I struggled just like you to find the empowerment for discipline.
Would you be willing to travel to the 5 towns?
If so I will post his number or you can PM me.
Hatzlacha! I know that with the correct help your son will absolutely shine and have an amazing relationship with you. I was there!

SixOfWands

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 12:25 pm

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

OP,

You set what curfew time is correct for your family - not what everyone else is doing. 9:00 is plenty late if your son needs to get up early Sunday morning.

You're 100% wrong.

There may be times when you decide to set rules that are out of sync with communal norms, but when you do, you have to know that they're going to be resented and difficult to enforce. You'd better have a darned good reason.

Here, the OP is trying to deal with a teen who has become accustomed to ignoring the rules. In trying to set up a new paradigm, she needs to be both strong and flexible. Demanding that her teen leave hours before his friends is setting everyone up for failure. Either he will be defiant, or he will be resentful. Setting more reasonable rules that adhere to community norms get him to yes, and gets him to a better place. He'll be more willing to conform, which is good.

Now, it may be that 1 am is too late for them to pick him up. So he may need to show them that he has a way home. But that's all a negotiation.

#BestBubby

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 1:03 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

If your dh is not capable of driving up to your son and saying "get in the car", you're probably better off sending your son off to boot camp or a dorm. Your son needs an alpha male in his life.

Agree. Maybe send DS to a distant dorm-yeshiva so DS is only home for Yom Tov.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 4:46 pm

I think the fact that OP said ok to her son when he asked initially to wait 5 more min, is where it began.

If you dont have self respect as a parent, how do you expect your son to respect you?

You shlepped your younger kids in the car and you allow your 15 yr old to take advantage? You are afraid to go to him? No wonder he comes home screaming. He had no discipline of who is the parent here. Its about time you put your foot down.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 5:20 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

If your dh is not capable of driving up to your son and saying "get in the car", you're probably better off sending your son off to boot camp or a dorm. Your son needs an alpha male in his life.

No, she's better off if dh is willing to learn new ways of parenting. Sending him off is essentially giving up on parenting.

amother

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 5:29 pm

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

100% agree . It was already conflict between me and dh since I wanted my dh to stop and get him in the car , dh refused . My dh claimed that this that he saw us passing and he saw we were there to get him was already a slap for him since he didnt think will come pick him up. Yet I do think my dh is wrong for not stopping to get him in the car , if it was me I would . My dh had different thoughts on it .

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 5:34 pm

I really hope you are able to get the help you need to reframe and get everyone on a better page. And get you and DH to show a united front.
That you, your son, and/or DH thought "it was already a slap for him" that he saw you pass by to pick him up is very distorted.
I understand being sensitive to teens and so on but you let him go, and you were there to give him a ride home so "appreciative" is the key word here.
If your 15 year old does not know that then that is one thing but adults do not have to collude with this distortion which can really be enabling poor behavior and distorted reality. If you and/or DH act afraid of your son and let him be in charge due to fear of his reaction it really is not helping anyone.
Being sensitive is great but not when it leads to or is the result of the roles getting reversed.
The ignoring, the waiting, the taxi, the demand for money...not a good picture.
What was the consequence and change going forward?
It really cannot be business as usual after that.

amother

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 6:12 pm

My dh claims its not because he was afraid . He just knew already that a fight will come out between dh and son so he was preventing from a fight happening. Honestly, I dont get it either . I told my dh. "So ds would get into the car start yelling, overreacting, ect . And what?! " my thoughts on this is. I would let him overreact... I would wait out untill he calmed down and then have a talk with ds . Well, I know relisticly that my ds would not calm down and wouldn't have getten over this untill after a few days ,which thats usually the case , but I total agree that we shouldnt let it stretch longer . . . I am working on this situation though.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 6:16 pm

Good for you for reaching out.
You know something is off or missing.
If DS cannot agree to a pick up time and to get in the car appropriately and follow through on this then honestly I would not let him go out until he can do so. And Id tell him this is the reason.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Feb 03 2020, 6:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well, tell your dh that your son senses when dh is trying to avoid (he IS afraid of) his outbursts , and as a result he can gets away with stuff. He needs to man up and be a father. Your son is a kid and he needs discipline. Is it better that he comes home yelling for taxi money when you're asleep?

He might stomp and blow if you force him to come home, but he will get over it, and see who is in charge.

If you dont discipline now, he will continue doing whatever he wants and be able to get away with it.

Its always easier to avoid confrontation and give in, but its not teaching kids responsibility nor respect.

Page 4 of 5

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next