Dreading my simcha

amother

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 10:27 am

I am making bar mitzva. I cringe at the thought and the pressures. I am keeping it very low key. Still, I have this dread that people expect something nice, me looking good, and I dont like the pressure. Like when people greet you, they start admiring how great you look. I wish they didnt, and focused on other things. Im not planning anything fancy and not looking to impress. I'm also wearing a very cheap outfit, doing my own makeup - which I think looks fine, but Im self conscious I shouldn't look too cheap.
I also dislike walking into any wedding hall, when people turns their heads at you.

Is something wrong with me?

avrahamama

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 10:30 am

You don't know what a chessed you are doing by keeping things simple!!!! Yashar koach to you!

BZH you set the trend for focusing on the SIMCHA of giving HKBH nachat with another bar mitzvah who will be an eved Hashem. Instead of just another party and another outfit.

Have nachat!

amother

Yellow

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:36 pm

The nicest simcha I've ever been to was very simple plain btaam and dignified.
I've been to simchas that were super fancy but it just felt so fake
I really admire those that make simchas within their budget and not to try to impress the world around them it's not competition..
If a guest is not going to be happy with a simple simcha either they can pay or not show up but theres no reason to throw money u dont have into making a lavish simcha which will cause lots of stress tension and sholom bayis if u dint have the funds just to impress everyone.
Good for you! I'm sure it will be a beautiful simcha! Beauty is not just about the exterior of the hall and food it's the happiness friendliness and warmth that ppl r welcomed with that makes a simcha beautiful and one that no one would want to miss!
Mazel Tov!
You go girl!

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You sounds like me.
I keep things as basic as I can without making things not special enough for my kids to feel good.

tichellady

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 12:55 pm

I assume your guests are your family and friends who love you and are happy for your family. They don’t care about the details, they are excited to celebrate with your family.

thunderstorm

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:03 pm

Your inner warmth and your smile is what makes a guests feel good about joining your simcha. It’s not your sheitel or your outfit. Even if they compliment you on that, it’s really the person that you are that they are seeing.
I recently went to my friends simcha. I haven’t been to simchos in a while and I was expecting some over the top extravagance . In her circles people tend to live above their means. I was so pleasantly surprised. Things were actually simple but nice at the same time. The thing I kept noticing was the warmth emanating from all the family members of the baalei simcha. It made it feel so comfortable and made me feel a deep joy to be in that presence. Focus on the internal simcha and you will end up worrying less about the externals .And by the way, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling uneasy about it.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don’t think you should wear a very cheap outfit because in order for you to feel confident and happy you should get yourself a nice outfit. Doing your own makeup is fine. You don’t need to worry about impressing anyone but the fact that you remarked about the cheap outfit sounds like you’re already setting yourself up to not feel good about yourself at the Simcha. Get something nice, put on a big smile and try to enjoy.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:39 pm

Whats your budget for an outfit
I’m wondering what you call cheap

I understand you don’t like the extra attention
Neither do I
I’m happy with what I have
I don’t like Ayin Haras either

But you need to find something you feel pretty in
Maybe we can help

penguin

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:41 pm

The main thing is to be confident.

Whether you have money and choose not to overspend, whether you made a choice to be in kollel/chinuch and therefore don't have money, whether your DH does his best at a low-paying job or isn't able to hold down a job - tell yourself, Hashem puts us where we need to be, we try to make good choices, and I don't care if the Hotzenplotzes spent $95K on their simcha. (I don't even know what number to put bec it's all narishkeit to me!)

We are who we are and we are proud of it! If you keep telling yourself this, I think you will stand tall and proud! We are on your team, OP!

amother

Red

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:58 pm

You sound just like me! I'm making a bar mitzvah this coming year iyh and we don't have the means to make it any more than simple. (Even simple is hard) but it is hard as another family member is making a bar mitzvah right before and it will be anything but simple... The comparison is hard even if I truly don't care there's a lot of expectations..

I totally get you... I am trying to focus on the nachas of having a son turn 13 and trying to ignore the expectations from family members..

amother

Gray

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 1:59 pm

I don’t know... I’m so simple that no one turns their heads when I walk into a simcha.
Because I’m the self conscious type I wanted to make sure that I looked good for my son’s bm so I had my makeup done for the weekday event (did it myself for shabbos).
It doesn’t matter how much you spent on a dress, it matters how it looks on you! You’re saying it’s cheap... does that mean $20, $200??? As long as you look and feel good is what matters.
I also sort of couldn’t wait for it to be over.. I hated the pressure of the whole thing!

amother

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 2:27 pm

Op here. Thanks for making me feel normal.

You're asking how cheap? The top is less than $10! I ordered it online and I really like it. I still need a skirt to it, but that shouldnt be difficult to find.

Im self conscious bc:
1. People know im not a spender, Im self conscious if they look too close, theyll see a cheap material..I think its simple, but nice.

2. Two of my sils are very focused on externals. They always, always make comments on clothing. I dont have patience to discuss where I got it, and what they think about it. Yet I dont want to sound rude when they ask me..which they will. Guaranteed

3. People (esp my fam and neighborhood) invest a lot of mind in simcha details. Naturally, people that work hard on it, appreciate the comments and compliments. But here, I didnt spend money or energy. I happen to get something cheap, and next....I dont want it to be the focus or discussion. Im sick of the peer pressure expected.

amother

Lime

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 3:36 pm

penguin wrote:

Spinoff? When did become a "thing" to wear a gown to one's son's bar mitzvah?

People wear what they want to wear.

My family wears simple shabbos dresses. Nobody complains. This is who they are and what they want. Op nothing to be ashamed about.

Personally, I like dressing up. I wore a gown to my son's bar mitzva because I look good in it (better than a dress, hides the extra fat much better lol). I didn't spend a lot. Bought it on Amazon.

Op you do you, be confident and everyone will be ok.

amother

Silver

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 3:56 pm

I enjoyed my son's bar mitzvah until someone commented that I look like I'm dressed for a wedding. Uhhh.... Hi... It is MY son's bar mitzvah where I don't have to share the spotlight with anyone else, therefore I chose to wear a fancier dress that I wore to a neice's wedding thank you very much. Other than that the whole affair was low key, nothing extra.
Personally I love attending such simchas. Why the need to be extravagant? Why try to impress people who aren't really interested in you.

amother

Turquoise

Fri, Feb 07 2020, 6:24 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

OMG people are going to think this is me and I wrote this post. I've been telling everyone this I have the same exact situation.

I decided to put my head up and be proud with who I am. I've done this before and other family members have come over to me privately and mentioned that they like the way I do things. People never ever love a fancy shindig - honestly. It always brings out everyone's insecurities. I think the only happy people are the grandparents.