Son being punished for punching the bully - Update

amother

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 2:38 pm

My son is being called names and taunts by one specific boy on the bus ride home. The principal has told my kid to come report these incidents and he will punish that boy. My son cannot control himself and either slaps, punches or kicks this boy as soon as this happens.
The school is very strict with the no-hitting policy and my kid gets punished for hitting while this other kid gets away with it and this keeps happening.
Notice the 'bus ride home' as that is a time when there are no adults on the bus, and this child knows he can get away with it as my kid will respond and get punished. I think this kid knows exactly what he's doing and is perfectly okay with getting punched just to see my son getting punished the next day but makes himself sound like the victim.

I told the principal above but was told that hitting is a no-no regardless of the scenario and my son just needs to control himself. At this point I think it's asking too much from my kid as he would need to keep himself controlled until the bus gets to his stop and then wait until the next morning to 'get even'.

My kid has just started therapy and I plan to mention it at the next session. I just want to hear from others what you think about this.
It is just making my blood boil so far.

SixOfWands

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 3:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Talk to his therapist about a plan.

But what I would do:

(1) Get him a small recorder, or a phone with a recorder, and have him record The Bully. Bring the recordings to the school. Then there's no he said, he said. Its all there for the school to hear.

(2) Reward your son for not hitting. Tell him you know how awful this is, but he can't give in. Every time he goes 2 straight days without hitting, its ice cream time. A whole week? He gets to pick dinner.

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:19 pm

Regarding the bully, it is more complicated than that. The bully is likely sauve and popular. The bully is playing your son.
My DD was in a similar situation, the popular girl, who cozied up to the teacher would egg my DD on every time the teacher turned around, until my DD would lash out, verbal, and then get in trouble.

You must both advocate for him and make him feel like you've got his back no matter what.
Can you pick him up at school so he can avoid the bus either for a week or 2 or 2 days a week?
Can you give him headphones to listen to something instead.

He probably doesn't have many friends, and is a little awkward, which is why the bully is targeting him, so the solution of his friends may not be viable. Try to get him away from the situation if at all possible.

nchr

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:32 pm

I think that physical violence is never acceptable. I also think that taunting and teasing is never acceptable. I think both children should lose bus privileges. Clearly the school is not addressing the issue, so I would try and schedule another meeting. Is there a driver or other child on the bus who hear what the other child is saying? I second the recorder idea.

violet1

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:46 pm

I'm sorry your son is going through this. Are there older kids on the bus? On my son's bus in Israel, he has a 'toran' from the upper grades who is responsible for keeping things settled, at the end of the week he gives the kids who listened nicely a little treat. Also there are assigned seats, so the kids who don't get along aren't n near each other. Good luck.

amother

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:47 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Thanks for number 2 - I've promised my son a milkshake already Smile

He's super excited now for the next incident ...

amother

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:49 pm

oneofakind wrote:

See if your son can sit up front near the driver or with a friend. I'm guessing the bully never gets punished by the school because he got hit by your son and then became a victim. Not cool. Strategize with your son how he could distract himself until he gets home.

The drivers do not get involved at all, they see nor hear anything..
You guessed exactly right.

amother

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:51 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Very much this. He does have friends I think the bully is just jealous and has learnt of a great way to get him.

amother

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 4:54 pm

nchr wrote:

The school thinks physical violence is never acceptable but taunting and teasing is just 'frowned upon' .

My kid will be playing with the recorder and not actually get the recording when needed, know what I mean?

dankbar

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 5:02 pm

You need to speak to the school about getting a bus monitor. These fights always happen on buses. When many kids are squashed together & older kids teasing younger ones, older ones are standing because no place to sit then they can stand next to any seat or squish into a seat where younger kids are sitting & the younger kids get squashed.

They either need a bus teacher or an older responsible boy watching. Sometimes if it is too full they need more buses. Some proactive drivers put on a CD for everyone to listen so there is calm & quiet

notshanarishona

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 5:07 pm

It's very typical for schools, especially with boys, to treat physical violence much stricter than verbal .
We are always telling kids, if you come and tell me what the other person said he will get in trouble. If you get him back, only you will get in trouble. You need to work to encourage your son not to hit back. Not that it's the best, but work on building him up to answer the other kid back verbally and not to take things so personally.

amother

Blush

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for number 2 - I've promised my son a milkshake already Smile

He's super excited now for the next incident ...

what weird backwards parenting. hey if you dont slap anyone I'll give you a milkshake.

Imagine that in an adult world. hey if you dont kill anyone I'll give you a hundred bucks. Just no.

amother

Blush

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

and what do you think? Do you think physical violence is never acceptable? Or is it acceptable in some situations ?

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:56 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Its important your son learn to fight back and stand his ground with this kid even if it means getting in trouble, if he does it well, the bullying should stop.

This is terrible advice.

Fight back? You don't fight back words with physical violence!
If the child were being physically attacked then certainly he could fight to protect himself.
But where does anyone get the idea it's ok to punch someone because we don't like what they say?
The school has a zero tolerance policy for being physical and you are encouraging it? He will be thrown out of school!

OP, your child is in the wrong.
I feel terrible for him because I understand he is being teased and called names and there is nobody around to help him (bus driver is there to drive the bus and cannot be expected to discipline children and break up fights) and he is understandably frustrated and angry and hurt. But hurting someone physically is NOT the answer and if you let him think it's ok, trust me, one day he will hit the wrong person and get his lights knocked out. This is a bad precedent. He is going to have to learn self control quickly.