Home

Son being punished for punching the bully - Update
Previous  1, 2, 3  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant) A Safe Haven


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


DrMom




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 1:09 am
Some ideas:

- Have him sit with an older boy on the bus who can tell the bully to scram.

- Have his friends sit near him and back him up. Bullies may pick on a lone victim, but they might back off if there are several kids pushing back at them.

- If this bully picks on others, have the parents of the victims file a joint complaint with the school, or have them meet with the principal in a group.
Back to top

Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 2:27 am
amother [ Teal ] wrote:
I would take him off that bus and drive him.


No, he needs to learn how to deal, because this is not the last time in life he's going to meet a bully.

The bully is getting a rise out of him.

OP's soon needs to learn how to laugh it off, or make the bully look ridiculous.

That's why he's going to therapy.

Meanwhile, his mum can be supportive, show a strong front to the school, and maybe teach him some quips be can use in the moment.
Back to top

yc




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:41 am
My son went through something similar but different circumstances. Its so hard and painful as the parent to watch your child go through this.
One thing which helped was thinking of the concept of being a 'wall' is the kid teasing the wall? the chair? no because its no fun. no response from a wall/chair. so ultimately the kid will leave him alone when he sees he can't get a response out of him.
by the way I totally disagree with the poster (amother blush) who said not to reward. He is being rewarded for practicing self control at a time when it is extremely difficult for him. it is a personal victory and why should that not be rewarded.
Back to top

oh em gee




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:34 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The school thinks physical violence is never acceptable but taunting and teasing is just 'frowned upon' .

My kid will be playing with the recorder and not actually get the recording when needed, know what I mean?

Maybe ds should let bully know he has a recorder incase and that will scare bully off and he will leave ds alone.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:11 am
What kind of world is it, that we have to send out kids to school with body cams? What kind of chinuk are these kids getting?

As for being physical, the kid has ADD. Even if he's on meds, the bus ride home would be the exact time they start wearing off. On top of that, he's been trying to hold it together in school all day, and he's just about had it. The bully is on the boy's last good nerve, and it's completely unfair.

I'm not a fan of hitting for verbal taunts, but there's something to be said for self defense as well. Martial arts are good for kids like this, because it teaches them restraint (I know, it sounds counter intuitive, but if you get a teacher who specializes in ADD kids, they can work miracles.)

My DD used to be bullied relentlessly because of her ADD an inability to not react. For her it was pure fight or flight reflex. She'd either become completely withdrawn, or she'd lash out. There was no in between. One kid used to poke her with a freshly sharpened pencil, and do it under the desk. DD would jump up and scream (highly sensory), and then she'd get in trouble for interrupting the class. The other kid would just sit there and smile like an angel.

The only thing that has worked so far is to have good teachers paying attention to classroom dynamics. She just started Zoloft, so I'm hoping that will help regulate her emotional outbursts. She's also getting better at advocating for herself, but that comes with maturity. She's 16 now, and just getting the hang of it.
Back to top

amother




Green
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:27 am
amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:
This is terrible advice.

Fight back? You don't fight back words with physical violence!
If the child were being physically attacked then certainly he could fight to protect himself.
But where does anyone get the idea it's ok to punch someone because we don't like what they say?
The school has a zero tolerance policy for being physical and you are encouraging it? He will be thrown out of school!

OP, your child is in the wrong.
I feel terrible for him because I understand he is being teased and called names and there is nobody around to help him (bus driver is there to drive the bus and cannot be expected to discipline children and break up fights) and he is understandably frustrated and angry and hurt. But hurting someone physically is NOT the answer and if you let him think it's ok, trust me, one day he will hit the wrong person and get his lights knocked out. This is a bad precedent. He is going to have to learn self control quickly.


It is important he learn to fight back and stand up for himself and protect himself. I personally believe its never ok to be the first to get physical but there are ways without. You can't tell the kid to just take the abuse and then I will give you a milkshake, how is that precident going to look in 25 years from now?
Back to top

yc




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:38 am
and think about how it will look in 25 years from now when the solution is to fight back physically.
not saying there is never a place for fighting back. but speaking from experience several years down the road (and my son did go to therapy which for sure helped to some extent). My son is now bigger stronger and knows how to fight back really well. too well in fact. and being that he was never the one with the sharpest tongue, he fights back physically to those who bother him. not just punching in the nose. he is way more clever. he has all kinds of tricks and methods of fighting back and ensuring people dont 'mess with him'. The high road is the way to go in my opinion. In a world of survival of the fittest, life is tough and scary. been there unfortunately. you never know when you'll mess with the wrong person...
Back to top

saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:53 am
Physical violence is sometimes the answer.

I would tell the school that unless they are doing something to intervene with the bully, your son should not be punished. Some kids are better at verbal assault and some are better at physical assaults. Punishing your son and not the bully just increases the bully's motivation to taunt your son.

I would also try to help your son practice some verbal comebacks so that when the time comes he can react verbally. My favorite is to say something like "Wow, you must feel so bad about yourself to try to taunt other people."
Back to top

little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:12 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The school thinks physical violence is never acceptable but taunting and teasing is just 'frowned upon' .

My kid will be playing with the recorder and not actually get the recording when needed, know what I mean?


You can get him a button cam. Theres nothing to play with, it just sits there, pinned to him
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 7:15 am
In the interests of an ounce of prevention, I'd offer a treat for him remembering to sit with friends.

Why save the reward that builds on the problem? Better to avoid it altogether.

You could even maybe ask him to speak to friends about serving as eyewitness and advocate. If there's more than one person telling Bully to leave the kid alone, he'll probably back off. And if your DS is with those kids routinely on the bus, he'll probably lose interest in provoking him.
Back to top

lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:40 am
Rappel wrote:
No, he needs to learn how to deal, because this is not the last time in life he's going to meet a bully.

The bully is getting a rise out of him.

OP's soon needs to learn how to laugh it off, or make the bully look ridiculous.

That's why he's going to therapy.

Meanwhile, his mum can be supportive, show a strong front to the school, and maybe teach him some quips be can use in the moment.


Well said.
I would also add to this, giving the kid a reward for not responding will teach him that he is capable of it right now. Such a kid needs to see the instant reward or consequence of his actions until he learns better tools.
Back to top

amother




Wine
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:42 am
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
what weird backwards parenting. hey if you dont slap anyone I'll give you a milkshake.

Imagine that in an adult world. hey if you dont kill anyone I'll give you a hundred bucks. Just no.


I think you should rather say what weird backwards schooling.
Kids are destroyed all the time by the savvy kids...
Back to top

malky800




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 9:50 am
Welcome to the world of special children. My kid kept on being sent home because he would kick back.
Physical , and he was out.
The kid who started the fight with the taunts only got a reprimand.
Back to top

amother




Teal
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 10:16 am
There should be zero tolerance for bullying altogether, not just for getting physical. Another boy is starting up with him and he is defending himself the best way he knows how. An administrator from the school should take this seriously and look into what is going on. I would normally agree with the attitude to allow children to fight their own fights and figure it out in preparation for adulthood. However, this is a situation where there are many children all ages trapped in a bus together with no supervision. There is a lot of bullying and abuse that can go on with no adult present to witness it or to provide guidance. In this situation, the child cannot run away. He cannot call an adult. You should know that many frum schools do not allow the children to bring any digital devices on the bus or to school. So for those suggesting a recorder, he may actually get in trouble for bringing that too. This is why I would drive until I thought the situation was safe or an adult investigated. We don’t leave our young children unsupervised in any other situation, it’s considered unacceptable. I don’t know why on the bus it’s suddenly ok to put 40 random boys together sometimes for an hour or more and tell them to just work it out and fend for themselves. I’ve heard lots of bus horror stories and this is why in this situation I believe it wouldn’t be such a terrible thing to drive. Sometimes It’s unrealistic to expect a young child to have the skills to protect themselves from an older bully and his groupies. Many adults don’t even have these skills to sit there meekly like a chair and take verbal abuse without reacting.
Back to top

enjoying kids




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 11:28 am
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
what weird backwards parenting. hey if you dont slap anyone I'll give you a milkshake.

Imagine that in an adult world. hey if you dont kill anyone I'll give you a hundred bucks. Just no.

The milkshake is not for not slapping anyone. It's for being among the "ne'elavim v'ainam olvim" - an elevated level even for an adult.
Back to top

Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 12:02 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
what weird backwards parenting. hey if you dont slap anyone I'll give you a milkshake.

Imagine that in an adult world. hey if you dont kill anyone I'll give you a hundred bucks. Just no.


Imo the milkshake is a great idea. Not as a reward, but to help dc view the taunting differently. As others said, he gets picked on because he reacts. If he stops getting angry, the taunting should stop.

Also agree with FF regarding karate. Sometimes when a kid knows that he is capable of defending himself physically, that confidence boost is enough not to feel hurt by the taunting. This inner confidence is conveyed in body language and posture, so such a child is less likely to attract bullying in the first place.

Also agree with practicing role playing better responses.

Regarding a bus monitor, if the school can't have an adult or teacher on the bus, another possibility is, some schools have a system where a student, or a few students, from the oldest grade that rides the bus are appointed as monitor. Those kids are responsible to pay attention to what is going on, issue warnings and report back to the school. (The school would of course have to be careful to pick well behaved, responsible kids.)
Back to top

amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 12:11 pm
Last year, there was a really mean boy in my son's class.
My son is very sweet and kind, to a fault. He would get hurt and not fight back.
I wanted him to fight back, but the school policy is that if you physically fight, even in self defense, you get sent home.
So I asked the Rebbi what I should tell my son. (Of course, the rebbi was trying to deal with the difficult kid, too.)
Rebbi said, "Mrs. A mother, If this were my son, I'd tell him- if you need to fight back physically, do it! They'll kick you out for the rest of the day, and I'll take you out for a slurpee!"

lol

Bh it never came to that.

This is a different situation than OP's, though, because her son id fighting back and it's not working.

Personally, I'd call everyone I could.
The principak, the rebbi, the bus company, the kid's mother.
Back to top

amother




Emerald
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 12:14 pm
Bullies stop when they are up against a team. The school should work with your sons class to help build a team of boys who know
If someone starts up with s classmate, we fight for them.

Also, help think of verbal comebacks for your son.

Our menahel said to say things like, "that was really mean"
I would have said stronger things. Lol
Back to top

amother




cornflower
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 12:25 pm
If you teach your child strategies, it will:

1. make him feel safer
2. make him feel he has some control
3. teach him what to do.

Some strategies are:

1. staying with friends - explain the concept of safety in numbers which applies in many situations
2. keeping your cool - helps to de-escalate a situation.
2a. how to keep your cool - use humor to deflect comments, use monotonous comebacks I know you are but what am I, pretend in your head that he is speaking a different language and you don't even understand him...
3. Stating the problem and threatening to tell the principal on him - You just called me XYZ and if you don't stop I will tell the prinicipal.
4. Fighting back. Yes. Sometimes you just have to shove back. And a school administrator told me this!! And my sons all say its true!

and the kid SHOULD get a milkshake for controlling his emotions and using a positive strategy to help himself. That is called EXCELLENT chinuch.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:54 pm
Update:

I am literally shaking and crying and have no one to get support from...

I have reached out to the principal a few times in the past to plead my son's case and got nowhere. My son was punished for hitting by losing out on full lunch/recess hour that means he sat in a classroom and ate instead of running around outside. He brought home a note from the principal stating the facts of the punishment and how this cannot happen again. I responded to the note just stating politely that although I fully support the no-violence rule, it isn't right for that boy to not be stopped as well as with-holding play is really not healthy for a kid struggling...
It was respectful and polite.

The response was "they will continue to be doing as they feel is right as there isn't a parent team willing to work with them" Next time he won't be allowed to come for a day . I cannot believe my eyes! That is the furthest thing from the truth. I am an involved parent and am in touch with them often.
I am so lost right now and feel like I need to fight city hall just to let my son have a chance at a normal childhood.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 2 of 3 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant) A Safe Haven

Related Topics Replies Last Post
What do you think about this? Couple “rehomes” adopted son
by amother
68 Today at 11:14 am View last post
UPDATE:Please daven for Raphi Meir ben Leeat 8 Thu, May 28 2020, 9:46 am View last post
My 11 yr old son is bored. Urgent craft ideas needed!
by amother
29 Thu, May 28 2020, 12:48 am View last post
Please daven for Chaim Dovid Meir Hakohen ben Chana - UPDATE
by amother
12 Sat, May 16 2020, 7:30 am View last post
Son's upcoming zoom bar mitzvah - help please!
by amother
25 Thu, May 07 2020, 2:47 pm View last post

Jump to: