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UPDATE:How would you react? What’s your parenting philosophy
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:36 pm
I’m at the stovetop, stirring a pot, almost ready to serve dinner. My seven year old son walks in.

Me: “Hey Moishy, do you want to eat like a ninja? I made stir fry - that’s a food from China! There’s yummy plain rice too.”

(Moishy shoots me with a gun he built out of LEGO)

Moishy: “you know what it means when I shoot you with a bullet? It means you’re being annoying. Be quiet.”

(This is partly for the people who didn’t believe me on the zemiros thread 😕. This kind of thing happens every single day 😔)



Especially if you successfully use Nurtured Heart or Explosive Parenting techniques, how would you react?

I pretended he didn’t say anything - not everything has to be addressed in the moment. But when I tried to talk to him later, he just said that I talk too much, my jokes are stupid, and he saw nothing wrong with talking to me that way.

Me: “it’s not acceptable to talk to me - or anyone - like that. It’s hurtful and disrespectful, and it’s not okay.”

Moishy: “well, I think it’s okay.”

Where do I go from here????

The “lagging skill” is holding back the rude thoughts in his head, I think.

I understand some kids get sensorily overwhelmed by too much talking, or may be sensitive/embarrassed by parental humor, but I can’t just let him talk to me like this. It HURTS. Am I supposed to toughen up?? I am working with my therapist on not going into “fight or flight” mode around my kids, but I just want their behavior to CHaNGe ALREADY. I don’t think I’m the problem!!!!


Last edited by bigsis144 on Thu, Feb 27 2020, 1:05 pm; edited 2 times in total
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cbsp




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:41 pm
Following, you definitely have my sympathy (and I could have written most of your kid's script except mine is 8, not 7)

(full disclosure: I never made stir fry so that would be different. And I think it's awesomely creative that you introduced it to him as "eating like a ninja!")
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:47 pm
I would be very open and honest with my kid and tell her that she embarrassed me. Mommys have feelings too and mommys get hurt too and Mommys can also cry. My 8 year old daughter seemed so shocked when I told her that, and she really felt bad. I would skip the whole it's not acceptable or its disrespectful. (with such type of kid) Just talk from your heart. Not because you are teaching her proper behavior and she needs to be respectful, just because you are a person with feelings and you get hurt when she talks that way. It doesn't feel good when someone tells you that you are annoying. You love him and try to be nice to him and he should try to be nice to you too.

Last edited by creditcards on Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:49 pm
creditcards wrote:
I would be very open and honest with my kid and tell her that she embarrassed me. Mommys have feelings too and mommys get hurt too and Mommys can also cry. My 8 year old daughter seemed so shocked when I told her that, and she really felt bad.

I disagree
That’s guilt tripping in my book. Also gives them power over you.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:51 pm
I would tell him it’s disrespectful to talk to me that way. I think his answering back is a kind of shielding mechanism. It doesn’t really matter that he thinks it’s okay. He’s seven. If it continues there would eventually be consequences. And I’d work on my triggers if I were you so I know that I’m responding from an adult place of calm.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:53 pm
I use the explosive child method.

I think ignoring it in the moment is totally the thing to do. I approach these situations with the idea that if a kid is giving me a hard time they are having a hard time themselves.

When your calm, I would try to talk to my kid about his day. I would be curious and ask open ended questions and see where it leads. I think based on what you find out you go from there. I think if he was struggling with something that happened during the day and he feels really badly about it then lecturing him will make him defensive. He wont be open to what you have to say.

I will give one example. My son came home from school last year in a horrible mood. The therapeutic program he was in used this color system and red meant you were really struggling. He got like 5 red cards that day. He was really mean, grumpy slamming doors. I bit my tongue so hard and said nothing. Finally when I was getting him ready for bed, he told me when he was waiting to go between his schools a kid kicked him. That one incident threw off his whole day. The temptation to lecture, punish was so strong but I am happy I did not because he was obviously really suffering.
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creditcards




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:55 pm
Zehava wrote:
I disagree
That’s guilt tripping in my book. Also gives them power over you.

Not for every kid. For a kid that talks that way? He needs to be spoken like you speak to a teenager almost like an adult. He acts like one. A kid that has no concept that a parent has feelings needs to be taught that.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 3:57 pm
I'm a big fan of restating in a way I'd rather them express themselves.

Moishy: "You know what it means when I shoot you with a bullet? It means you’re being annoying. Be quiet."

Me: "Aw, mommy, I don't like that ninja joke."

Moishy: "No you're being annoying!"

Me: "Mommy, I'm sorry, but I am not really in the mood for talking right now."

Moishy: "No BE QUIET!"

Me: "Mommy, I need some quiet now. I think I'm going to go to my room for a little while."

(No, it doesn't always work, but I feel like I can show them the way I'd like them to speak, and not just suck it up.)
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:07 pm
Don't have a 7 year old but I think despite being hurt (and I would be!) , I would try really hard with a flat face (no emotion) take away the toy. I would explain calmy that if he can't use the toy appropriately he cannot have it right now. I would kind of for now ignore the hurtful words he said... It could be a way to push your buttons (stir emotion out of u) Are you giving him positive attention otherwise? Or only when he is doing something negative. Maybe he needs attention and is expected/only to getting negative attention.

Edit: I'm referring to emotional attention not physical.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:09 pm
Get a sefer and learn Hilchos Kibbud Av V'Eim. Chutzpah is an AVEIRAH just like Chillul Shobbos or eating Treif.

Also learn Hilchos Ona'as Devorim - it is OSSUR to talk to anybody that way - but double wrong to speak to a parent like that.

After that I would punish such behavior.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:12 pm
I'd give him the right words and encourage him to use them. If you get all angry and lecture, he'll have a tremendous amount of power over you and he'll use it.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:26 pm
My kids school (Bais Yaakov and Boys equivalent) is really moving towards the direction of using collaborative problem solving. I think the whole girls school has been trained or is scheduled to attend training in using that method. I hope the boys school my sons are in will follow their lead.

I went to a mothers group last night that is learning this method and one thing the presenter said is just how we use differentiated learning for a child who has a learning disability we have to use differentiated discipline for a child that struggles with behavior. It really gave me a lot to think about.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:39 pm
Me: "So you want me to be quiet?" Rephrasing so that I understand what it is they want.

Kid: "What else? Duh!"

Me: "So you can say, 'Mommy, can you please not talk to me?' or 'I'm not in the mood of jokes now.'" Redirecting towards proper behavior.

Kid: "But I said that! I told you be quiet."

And at this point, I would just repeat an alternative way of phrasing, "Mommy, can you please leave me alone?"
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sushilover




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:47 pm
This might be an issue that you choose to use Ross Greene's Collaborative and Proactive Solutions method. Or you might choose to ignore it and focus on more pressing issues. You're not a bad mom for letting it go for now.

1)Empathy stage
"I noticed that you shot your gun (only mention the gun if it was actually able to shoot something) and said "you're annoying!
it's time to stop taking! " what's up?"
Don't find solutions, just use reflective listening.
2) adult concern
"So you feel annoyed when I make jokes and talk too much. My concern is that I only give and only accept respectful communication." If you feel it's necessary, you can explain what it is he did that is disrespectful, but be careful- it can backfire if he feels you are sermonizing.
3) invitation stage
"I wonder if there's a way for you to express your feelings and at the same time follow my rule of respectful communication."
Make a list of both of your ideas. Don't judge any ideas until the list is completed, no matter how crazy they are. Go through the list and discuss your reservations.
4) make a plan and schedule a time to revisit and see if the plan is working. If you haven't had a productive discussion, say, "it looks like we need more time to solve this issue. Let's try again in a few days."

You can find more details online.

In addition to this, you'll want to have lots of modeling of respectful behaviour over the next few days. Younger kids can role play, older kids can read books or watch derech eretz videos. Bring it up casually at the dinner table, "you know, the woman in the linen store was so disrespectful, I don't think I'll be returning there because I only accept respectful communication. "
He's at a tricky age and it's harder once they are older, but what can we do?
Hug
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 4:56 pm
To me, in the moment is the best way. Consequences right away are key to stop the behavior.

Moishy: This is a bullet and you're dead because you're annoying!

Mommy: You don't talk like that to a Mommy. In time out, now.

(the key is not to raise your voice or shout. But be stern, be firm, and have a neutral face.)


Exploring feelings hours after the fact are not for 7 year old boys. They're like little sociopaths at that age. You have to ring that bell like Pavlov's dog, and hope they absorb empathy by the time they're older.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:02 pm
I would have said "I see you're not in the mood for my jokes right now but please say that again in a respectful manner."

I wouldn't communicate any further until he restates it in a respectful way and apologizes.
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:08 pm
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
To me, in the moment is the best way. Consequences right away are key to stop the behavior.

Moishy: This is a bullet and you're dead because you're annoying!

Mommy: You don't talk like that to a Mommy. In time out, now.

(the key is not to raise your voice or shout. But be stern, be firm, and have a neutral face.)


Exploring feelings hours after the fact are not for 7 year old boys. They're like little sociopaths at that age. You have to ring that bell like Pavlov's dog, and hope they absorb empathy by the time they're older.


Just out of curiosity. My son was 60 lbs when he was 7. How do you get a challenging 60 lb kid to go to time out and stay there?
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 5:58 pm
My son also hates these kind of jokes. I think he just felt weird. My attitude with empathy is I don't give up. I keep teaching it. How to not feel bad I can't answer. I try to make enough positive moments to balance out the negative.
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amother




Oak
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:02 pm
Moishy, its not okay to speak that way, especially never in a family that loves each other, and never to your mother or father. Ima loves you and is just trying to have some fun with you. If you have something to say, I want to hear it. Please try again now or come back in a little while when you are ready to.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 11 2020, 6:05 pm
mha3484 wrote:
Just out of curiosity. My son was 60 lbs when he was 7. How do you get a challenging 60 lb kid to go to time out and stay there?


This. Many people think my seven year old is a third grader - he’s tall and built like a brick house, and has an extensive vocabulary (in testing, he was 99th percentile for verbal comprehension and expression, but far below average for SOCIAL awareness).

To answer al harishon acharon, this kid always has a list of grievances a mile long, so it’s hard to know what might be truly bothering him, and a million reasons to derail the conversation from its original topic
- his friend promised to exchange a spinner toy with him at school, and while my son gave him the spinner, the friend never delivered on his end of the bargain, so my son “has no choice but to beat him up tomorrow for being an untrustworthy liar”
- his brother hates him and “wants him dead”
- I love his baby sister more than him
- I haven’t made tacos for dinner in “900 years” and I never make anything he likes
- I haven’t bought him new LEGOs since his birthday 4 months ago
- he can’t decide what to do for his birthday party (next year!) and can’t sleep
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