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I am getting a tax refund, do I have to split it?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:33 pm
My husband is on disability so it is not taxed. I feel if he took care of his health many years ago he wouldnt be in this situation and he could of worked and get paid much more than what disability is giving him which is very little.
I work at a job which I hate bit still do it. Because of my working I will be getting a nice refund.
My husband wants to split it. He feels with his disability money he is paying a lot of the bills. But so am I which he doesnt see. I paid for all our simchas with my money, paid for camps medical bills which werent covered by insurance, clothing for the kids plus I do all the housework because we dont have cleaning help. I bought most of the furniture in our house.
Now I have a few things that I want to use the money for, our driveway is really in bad shape, if it is not light I am afraid someone will fall into one of the holes. We need a new couch one kids needs braces. I know the refund wont cover everything but I will do what I can BUT I need the whole refund to do these things but my husband doesnt think these are necessary but only what he wants to do with it.
So who should make the decision and am I obligated to give him half of the refund.
I dont remember what it was for but he got a refund for something and he gave me half but my half went to use on the kids and I didnt buy myself anything with it. He I know will take the money and go buy crazy things we dont need plus when I am at work he will go out and buy 12 dollar lunches a few times a week
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:36 pm
braces should come first
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BetsyTacy




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:40 pm
Accountants weigh in here: isn't a tax refund just a way of Uncle Sam saying: hey, I deducted more than I should have from your paycheck last year because of the way you filled out your W-4, you had me withdraw too much?

People like to have the psychological boost of a tax refund, and don't feel like they have to scramble if they owe, but ultimately, people on a W-2 should really be having $0 on their taxes--nothing refunded, nothing owed, just a slightly bigger paycheck each time.
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amother




Slategray
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:41 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
braces should come first


Yes yes yes.
Should I repeat that?
Yes
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 2:45 pm
BetsyTacy wrote:
Accountants weigh in here: isn't a tax refund just a way of Uncle Sam saying: hey, I deducted more than I should have from your paycheck last year because of the way you filled out your W-4, you had me withdraw too much?

People like to have the psychological boost of a tax refund, and don't feel like they have to scramble if they owe, but ultimately, people on a W-2 should really be having $0 on their taxes--nothing refunded, nothing owed, just a slightly bigger paycheck each time.


im no accountant but while typically this is true, I know in my case it’s now. We have very large OOP medical exoenses (think 80k or so) which enables us to get a very large refund (BH BH Bh) OP mentioned her husband is on disability so perhaps this is their situation too
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BetsyTacy




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:02 pm
Well if her husband's disability status is contributing to her tax refund, then I guess in some way it is he who is earning it.
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Cookiegirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:11 pm
It doesn't sound like the planned expenses that OP wants to put the refund toward are "discretionary," whereas $12 lunches a few times a week, certainly are. This is not really a tax/accountant thing- more like a family budget thing. I would suggest that OP and her DH decide together what expenses are getting paid with the refund money and then go forward with that plan. I would not hand over half the refund money if it meant my kid doesn't get braces, or the driveway doesn't get repaved. This is not a windfall or an unexpected gift, it is a return of work related monies temporarily held by the US Treasury...
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:14 pm
Is this a question for a rav to decide since u and dh disagree.

Personally, I believe you should get it bec u ate not using it for u!! U are using it for your kids braces and fixing the driveway so others dont fall.

Furthermore, if you explain to the rav that your dh is buying himself 12 dollar lunches while you are work ing hard to support the family....which is dhs job. Yes, he has a disability which is not his fault but then he should bend over backwards that you are working in a job you hate to help support the family. He should show appreciation and be even more responsible/careful with money and not go spending on himself when the driveway is a sakana and your child needs braces (many times kids who dont get teeth fixed will have more cavities).

I'm sorry your dh has a disability but he still sounds selfish that he is spending on himself extravagantly ...this should be explained to a rav....
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:15 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
braces should come first

No, the driveway with the potholes should come first.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 3:25 pm
This split it concept is foreign to me.
The other thead of the person wants to hid her bonus for discretionary spending is foreign to me as well. You are a family and should be working hard together to put the family (kids followed by house...) first.
The discussion should be no more that great, I got back a refund. Now WE can get can fix the broken driveway so nobody kills them self, and we can also get Shlomie braces and hopefully replace the couch.
Teamwork! Teamwork!
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 4:37 pm
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
This split it concept is foreign to me.
The other thead of the person wants to hid her bonus for discretionary spending is foreign to me as well. You are a family and should be working hard together to put the family (kids followed by house...) first.
The discussion should be no more that great, I got back a refund. Now WE can get can fix the broken driveway so nobody kills them self, and we can also get Shlomie braces and hopefully replace the couch.
Teamwork! Teamwork!


Teamwork is dependent on a willing and able partner. That's a key factor , and very relevant to the decision making process.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 4:51 pm
BetsyTacy wrote:
Accountants weigh in here: isn't a tax refund just a way of Uncle Sam saying: hey, I deducted more than I should have from your paycheck last year because of the way you filled out your W-4, you had me withdraw too much?

People like to have the psychological boost of a tax refund, and don't feel like they have to scramble if they owe, but ultimately, people on a W-2 should really be having $0 on their taxes--nothing refunded, nothing owed, just a slightly bigger paycheck each time.


Not necessarily.

I am not an accountant, but the accountant doing our taxes the last few years has gotten us a nice chunk of money that was not money withheld from our paychecks. Child tax credits, or something like that. We both work but have a fairly low income, so we end up getting some extra bucks come tax season.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 4:55 pm
Quote:
I feel if he took care of his health many years ago he wouldnt be in this situation and he could of worked and get paid much more than what disability is giving him which is very little.

You lost me at this .. I think before you even deal with the financial issues you need to go to therapy to come to terms with his disability . It's so damaging for a relationship that you should look down on him/ feel like he did it to himself. No one chooses to be disabled and you have to be pretty disabled to get disability payments from my experience.
2nd - you need to discuss together your finances and what takes priority .
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 4:59 pm
I don’t understand the issue. You are a financial unit and there isn’t a concept of separate expenses except for a small agreed upon amount of family income which each spouse should be able to spend however they choose.

In OP’s example, the household needs braces, a driveway and a couch. Those are not discretionary expenses except perhaps for the couch depending on condition of current sofa.

Of course the braces come first. Then the driveway because hime maintenance should be a priority. A couch can be gotten for a relatively small amount. I see lots of couches on Craigslist for sale which can tide you over. Often this are excellent quality but the owner is redecorating or moving and can’t use.

Husband and wife should each have a bit of money to spend how they like. Some budget planners say 10% for discretionary expenses is reasonable but that of course depends on how tight finances are for essentials.

But thinking that a tax refund is somehow money that shouldn’t be factored into one’s net income is not correct. A household income is income from all sources and a refund is money earned that the government kept because you didn’t withhold properly. It’s not a present which you should splurge. But even if it was a present, a gift, lottery winnings or an inheritance, why would you spend it less carefully than any other income?
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 5:47 pm
I’m a tax accountant.
1. If you filed a joint tax return Legally the money belongs to both of you. So you both have a right to use it in it’s entirety (obviously that can’t practically be done)
2. Your accountant can let you know if the refund was generated from your income or his income or his deductions
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:49 pm
The problem is my husband doesnt think braces are necessary or fixing the driveway. He feels the money should only go to what he feels is important. He feels that the money should go for bills so he doesnt have to have the burden of finding money for them.

I do believe that his disabilty would be less if years ago he would of taken care of his health. He never took care of his health never exercised always ate everything he wanted in huge portions.
If something was too hard for him he would just quit.

And as far as I know the refund is only because of my work. We never got a refund when I wasnt working.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Mon, Feb 17 2020, 11:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The problem is my husband doesnt think braces are necessary or fixing the driveway. He feels the money should only go to what he feels is important. He feels that the money should go for bills so he doesnt have to have the burden of finding money for them.

I do believe that his disabilty would be less if years ago he would of taken care of his health. He never took care of his health never exercised always ate everything he wanted in huge portions.
If something was too hard for him he would just quit.

And as far as I know the refund is only because of my work. We never got a refund when I wasnt working.


OP, some ppl here dont understand what you are describing. Bh they dont know what it's like not to have a spouse who doesnt take responsibility. Yes, some health situations such as diabetes...etc can be cured or debilitating depending on how a person changes his diet and....but regardless, the status quo now is still that your dh is not acting responsibly with money as he wants to spend unnecessarily and not put the kids/families' needs first. Not everyone can understand this type of situation where a dh and wife are not working together as a team.

However, while I agree with you for all the reasons you say that you should get the tax refund, now what??? How will you get your dh on board with this decision?? Do you have a rav to explain all this to?? Someone who understands that sometimes husbands may not be responsible with money and budgeting???
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 6:30 am
Do your kids get disability too? My DH is on disability. Because he is, so are our children up to age 18. That's what I use to pay for braces. And other necessities or extras for the children.
And no, I wouldn't split the money. If its being used by you for family necessities, it's the same as sharing it.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 6:53 am
notshanarishona wrote:
Quote:
I feel if he took care of his health many years ago he wouldnt be in this situation and he could of worked and get paid much more than what disability is giving him which is very little.

You lost me at this .. I think before you even deal with the financial issues you need to go to therapy to come to terms with his disability . It's so damaging for a relationship that you should look down on him/ feel like he did it to himself. No one chooses to be disabled and you have to be pretty disabled to get disability payments from my experience.
2nd - you need to discuss together your finances and what takes priority .


THIS.

I'm on the subway heading down to the hospital now feeling queasy, nauseated and anxious reading your post OP. I'm the one who is disabled and would be wrecked, heartbroken and ill if my husband felt this way. Noone chooses to be disabled. How do you blame him?? I don't understand this whole separate finance issues so hard to comment. I would hope my husband doesn't resent me. Doesn't resent that occasionally I may have a $12 lunch as a pick me up.

I think you need financial counseling as how to best spend your money to cover necessities and go through life as a partnership.

The attitude boggles my mind.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 7:17 am
No one specifically chooses to be disabled, but it is very possible to make choices that cause it after being warned that it might happen. It sounds like OP's dh is a short-sighted person in general, and the same type of thinking that led to the disability is the problem now when it comes to expenses. He is prioritizing his ease and comfort now over preventing problems in the future (what happens if the car breaks due to a driveway pothole, or the kid's needs re braces.) He can't see past right now, and likely how it affects him. And if those twelve dollar meals are exacerbating the disability, I can't even imagine how I'd react.

OP, in your situation, I'd likely not have told him about the refund in the first place, though I imagine he gets the mail before you do. Does he know how much it is for? If not, can you give him a small amount and not the rest?
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