DH made his mom cry and I feel terrible

FranticFrummie

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 7:26 am

As usual, imasinger hits the nail on the head.

I wouldn't feel guilty, but I would feel sorry for the mother. She sounds like she is lonely, needy, and has trouble regulating her emotions. If she is genuinely crying and not just turning on the waterworks for effect, then she is in need of understanding.

This does not mean you have to cater to her! It means that you have to not take her drama personally. Visit her as much as is healthy for your family, and tell her you love her every chance you get.

I agree that OP does not need to be giving mussar to her MIL. DH is wrong to put OP in the middle, as well. Either DH needs to have a long talk with mom, or you both need to agree to boundaries and direct communication with mom.

If MIL has a borderline personality, being vague is going to freak her out every single time. People with BPD need clear and precise communication, or else it makes them very nervous, and they start imagining the worst. Their thoughts immediately jump to "You don't love me! You are abandoning me!" even if that is the farthest thing from what you just said. This is SUPER IMPORTANT! I can't stress this enough. Be no nonsense, and say what you need to say. Be nice about it, but not apologetic.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 7:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He didn't mean to. It started when she invited us for Shabbos and I was super excited to get a break. I asked dh but he said this week is particularly hard for him at work so he want to be home this week. So now she knows I was ok with going and will call him since I gave her heads up that he has a busy week and may come home a minute before shabbos. It ended really bad . She just go so ins ulted since he just said it's not a good week and didn't specify why (again)so she kept on persisting making him frustrated ( he's 40+ and still has to give reasons) to her that she will find ways to argue with. She really kept insisting and saying that he should really come and it's not nice...so he said you can come visit us anytime or maybe we can go a different time just not this week but his tone was frustrated and she didn't back down about him not caring etc..anyway she hung up in tears. And dh felt the guilt and he said next time you tell her I say no. She won't argue with you. She can be really pushy and make you feel guilty but she is very caring but I feel she needs to understand when her grown kids say something even if it isn't detail. Now what I feel bad for both. Can I help fix this?

Can you visit her on Sunday? How fortunate your husband is that his mother is still alive. I would do anything to see my mother again, she just passed recently and I wish I visited her more.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 8:15 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Even if the Mother is being pushy and/or immature, she is still DH's Mother and he owes
her a debt he can never repay. Therefore, one must go out of one's way to avoid hurting
Mother and making her cry.

This callous and ungrateful attitude towards parents is from the secular culture and is not nice.

Her husband did not make his mother cry!!! He did nothing wrong. She decided to cry because her adult son nebach said that he can't come for shabbos this week, it's on her. It's not the son's problem that mom cries for such a silly reason. He did not hurt her, she decided to be hurt. Not going to mom for shabbos is NOT callous and ungrateful, oh god!

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 8:18 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

This! Obviously DH is a spoilt child.
I feel for mil .
Let DH know his behaviour is wrong & yeah sometimes you must do things for your parents like a zillion things they did for you as a child even if they didn’t feel like it!
One day he will no longer be able to fulfil this mitzva of kibbud eim.
You’re a great dil btw. Don’t sort it out for him. Just tell him how wrong he is.

Oh for God's sake, I hope this is a sarcastic post! DH did nothing wrong!! They don't must go for shabbos just because they were invited!

lcraighten

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 8:24 am

I think the key here is that just because his mother was hurt, that does not mean that he did something wrong. We seem to think that if someone is hurt we did something wrong, it doesn't always work like that.

This man acted like a responsible adult, and his mother did not. She got insulted and hurt. Yes, try not to hurt her, but within reason! You can't always cater to someone that has unrealistic demands! If anything, putting up boundaries will help both of you live happier, healthier lives.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 8:29 am

lcraighten wrote:

Exactly!

amother

Apricot

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 8:54 am

There's crying because your feelings are hurt, and crying because you want to manipulate others. What do you think is the case here?

It's nice to accommodate the wishes of others. But your needs are more important than another person's (even your mother's) wants. A good mother respects the privacy of her married children.

I'm a mother-in-law myself, not a spoiled millennial, in case you were wondering.

tichellady

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 10:55 am

#BestBubby wrote:

So if the mother is not well, it is ok to hurt her?

I see how mothers bend over backwards to avoid hurting their children's feelings - even when
the kids are being rotten, it's excused cuz the kids are ADHD, ODD or some other label.

So MIL suffers from SS (super-sensitivity) - show the same compassion you would show
a child with this affliction.

Children who are super sensitive don’t always get things their way. It’s just not possible. I was that kid and my parents were loving and kind and they had to say no all the time. That didn’t mean they tried to hurt me. They just had to say no when I has unreasonable requests. I don’t understand your approach. You think parents and children to ss people should always say yes? It did sound like the husband was being compassionate, but he was also saying no.

amother

Violet

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No. This is not your issue, it’s his! Obviously he has some issues he needs to work through with her and if he can’t do it on his own let him speak to semite about it. It’s not your job to do his dirty work and tell his mother that he said no. Tell him to do it himself.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 12:43 pm

It would be a good idea for the two of you to speak to your rabbi and find out what your obligations are to your MIL who is sensitive and /or needy. Then you can do what you need to without doubting yourself.
Been there and gained a lot of peace of mind from getting Kibbud av va’em guidelines in our specific situation.

lilly_de

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 1:32 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Your DH did nothing wrong. It seems like your MIL has some major issues. She might be a sweet person, however she can't force you to come. You & DH have no obligation to give a reason for not coming. You are entitled to your privacy, she has no right to even demand an explanation. She should just suck it up

totally agree!

watergirl

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 2:05 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Funny how the same people who claim parents are manipulative deny that children ever are.

A parent is allowed to make a request of their child. Their married child is allowed to politely decline. It is in no way disrespectful for the child to tell his parent that the proposed does not work and to suggest an alternative. It is not manipulative.

#BestBubby

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 2:10 pm

watergirl wrote:

I was referring to a poster who called the MIL's tears manipulative. Yet these same posters
deny that children's tantrums are manipulative.

keym

Wed, Mar 04 2020, 2:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP is your mother-in-law a widow?

Nope. Nope. Nope.
Being a widow doesn't give MIL carte blanche to be offended from everything.
And intent matters. As per my Rav.
So if OP and her husband were not INTENDING to hurt MIL(which clearly they don't) and if the behaviors are within normal range behaviors (which they are), then the onus is on the MIL to try not to feel hurt.

Look. I'm an orphan. I lost my father at a young age. If someone mentioned their father in random conversation and I felt hurt, it is not their problem. The issue is if someone tries to hurt.