Should they never get married?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 2:51 am

Honestly, I wanted to ask this before Pesach but emotions were running high here and you couldn't get a straight word through the posters here.

My recently married child has some processing issues, nothing out of the ordinary, but it does affect said child's social skills a bit and definitely life skills. Said child is very self conscious, has a chip over their shoulder that said child might be a bit different, but struggles valiantly to be equal with peers. BH, we found an outstanding match, a brilliant person with other social issues, also only slightly aware. None of us, we and our mechitanim are in denial, although we never actual admitted to each other the situation. We knew there is good potential with this shidduch but admitted a lot of support will be needed. Best chossen/kallah teachers were chosen and both have spent a lifetime with therapy/coaches and counselors.

BH, it's been a few months now. In the beginning we didn't dare breathe, we were petrified if they will actually click. It took a lot of pampering, indirect emotional support, lots of love and compliments from both us and mechitanim, and we are beginning to see a positive communication and spark between the couple.

Pesach was too soon. There was no way they could make Pesach or a seder on their own. They are not incapable. They do their own breakfasts and lunches and the house is run seamlessly. But making a Pesach for the first time is overwhelming for the regular couple, forget about ours!

So we hosted them, both of us. We are all in our 40's and knew we were doing the right thing. I tried discussing this here before Pesach, but the verdict was sealed. No newlywed shall grace their parents Pesach table or else we are killers by hosting them! If they are not capable of making aPesach, they shouldn't have gotten married! According to some posters, our kids should've stayed single indefinitely!

Now I'm not rambling here to hear validation or get hugged, I'm trying to communicate how vehement and adamant imamother has become. It's my way or the highway. Maybe a poster does have some good reasoning why she does certain things a certain way? Why not give the benefit of doubt? Why not agree to disagree RESPECTABLY?

It left me with a bit of a sour taste.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 2:57 am

You're correct. You did the right thing.

But there is a concept in Torah known as "Halacha ve'ein morin kein," that such is the halacha but we will not explicitly pasken as such.

Although the behavior in question is permissible, it can cause others to sin by making an open proclamation.

https://judaism.stackexchange......n-ken

So if you must do something like that, and even if it may be defensible or correct, you should do so quietly, without publicizing it. Otherwise, others with far less convincing reasons may think the psak applies to them too.

May you have much nachas.

amother

Beige

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:04 am

I'm wondering if you were the poster from England that insisted that without her hosting the guests wouldn't have eaten on Pesach. If so, then you should not have misled posters by leaving out these crucial details. You can't expect people to respond the way you want them to when you leave out half the story and being defiant just backs you into a corner and makes you look foolish.

amother

Wheat

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:08 am

From what you are saying, your newlywed couple is far from the standard newlywed couple.

Of course, to every rule there are exceptions. So your couple is the exception. But to publicize an exception on a public board, without explaining why it's an exception....in such a case you can't expect people to understand.

Of course if someone had said, we have a newly married couple that is slightly special needs, the answers would be different than if you asked about newly marrieds being hosted in general.

It's like asking, can my teenager eat on Yom kippur, it's tough for him to fast - without explaining that said teenager has severe diabetes.

DrMom

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:09 am

From your post, you sound way too involved in your DD's life.

Stop micromanaging and let this married couple figure out their own lives.

CiCi

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Don't take them too seriously. I hosted my couple too without an excuse as good as yours, and I don't feel like a murderer in the least. They are my family and they are adults who decided for themselves that they want to come. It was their choice. Couldn't care less what others say. Ok, now I'm going to be flamed...

Btw, I know people who quarantined since day one and nebach passed away...I say live your life normally, it's really up to Hashem what happens. Although I did follow social distancing rules when I was in public. I didn't want to make a chillul Hashem...

amother

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:16 am

DrMom wrote:

From your post, you sound way too involved in your DD's life.

Stop micromanaging and let this married couple figure out their own lives.

Thank you for your kind assessment. I can leave them dangling on their own and then enjoy many years of nachas with either a older single or divorced child. BH my way of thinking is different than yours.

And once again, a thread gets snarky comments.

amother

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:17 am

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

That wasn't me and I did try to explain on other threads but was knocked down before I could get a word in.

amother

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:21 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

From what you are saying, your newlywed couple is far from the standard newlywed couple.

Of course if someone had said, we have a newly married couple that is slightly special needs, the answers would be different than if you asked about newly marrieds being hosted in general.

No, just no. The responses were more along the lines "so they shouldn't have gotten married".

amother

Violet

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 3:36 am

We live in difficult times.

People are making cheshbonos all time. If an elderly parent really needs an aide, the aide will still come in. If a disabled mother really needs a cleaner, ditto. These are not luxuries or extras, they are essential.

OP, your couple come into this category, no question, you had them because of their needs.

The End.

Goldie613

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 4:16 am

DrMom wrote:

From your post, you sound way too involved in your DD's life.

Stop micromanaging and let this married couple figure out their own lives.

I'm assuming that you haven't dealt with special needs individuals before. Please try to understand that the amount of assistance they need isn't the same as people without issues. The amount of help that they get isn't interference if it's what they need in order to pull off the basic things that you or I could do on our own.

L'havdil, it would be like the difference between an adult child trying to control their parents household expenses, food purchases, etc if the elderly parents are of sound mind or if they have dementia. The two categories are VERY different. Same thing here.

Goldie613

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 4:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, just no. The responses were more along the lines "so they shouldn't have gotten married".

Oy! I am so sorry you got that response. If anything, my reaction is just the opposite - you and your mechatanim are taking the harder road of watching over this young couple to make sure that they have a fulfilling life. You aren't saying it's impossible, you also aren't leaving them to fail. You are giving them the help and tools that they need to build a bayis ne'eman b'yisroel, and you should all be very proud of yourselves for going the extra 10,000 miles to do that.

Hug

israelmama

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 4:27 am

Goldie613 wrote:

This. They have more needs than a person without SN. If they can get married with parental assistance, then why should they be denied happiness and love?

OP there are many posters who go amother and attack others. They won’t understand you or care to understand you. I wish that we could all open our hearts to learn from each other, and as a result we’d be in a better place.

I’m cheering for you!

amother

Mustard

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 4:44 am

Well, I got diagnosed with ASD, bulimia, anxienity, add in the past (only add and asd remains). So I'm totally socially incabale for my marriage should I now ask for a get? Lock my self up in a nuts house and everything. No, I'm totally fitted for my marriage because I found someone who totally fits me.
However making my own pesach was overwhelming but I've learned how to ask for help and discussed with my husband and voila we had a Pesach. It takes time to get in to a marriage and they are adults and pampering does not work always. My mother still goes down on memory lane of everything I did wrong since my early teens and she still thinks I do the same things when I was 15 years old makes me insecure and makes me think that I never showed any growth (which I did). Give dd compliments, what are her pro's? That is. And screw other people.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 7:24 am

DrMom wrote:

From your post, you sound way too involved in your DD's life.

Stop micromanaging and let this married couple figure out their own lives.

I was thinking the same thing.
Plus, you didn’t BOTH have to host them. If they needed pesach, they could have gotten it from only 1 of you. Instead of combining your families’ germ bubbles and putting more people at risk.

Simple1

Thu, Apr 30 2020, 7:42 am

Things got very very nasty before pesach. I think social distancing is very necessary. But IMHO the rules were arbitrary. Because if we really wanted to avoid spread, a family of say 12 would have to spread out into separate apartments or rooms. I think seichel/ judgment needs to be applied. Obviously don't have all your married couples and grandkids. Don't have guests because you feel like it. But I found it absurd that people said a single bochur shouldn't come back home. Unless circumstances call for it, such as vulnerable parents or whatever.

Best thing is to discusss with trusted doctor and rav to pasken what is right for your situation.