SOOOOOO TRIGGERED FROM MY KIDS

amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:06 pm

I find that certain sounds from my kids are SOOO INSANELY TRIGGERING TO ME even if they’re not inherently bad behavior. Specifically the sound of them laughing wildly / hyper and being overly silly and wild - my blood pressure is SKYROCKETING and I wish I could literally slap each one across the face hard and just make them shut up - don’t worry I’m not in the same room as them now and anyway I don’t potch. Also the sound of them fighting - like those dumb yes huh nuh uh conversations - I’m serious my stress levels are through the roof from these sounds - how do you train yourself to stay calm. Just to give you a picture I am crying now in my bed because of the stress of listening to them being wild. The sound itself makes me SOOOOO MAD it is like listening to fingernails on the chalkboard or someone chewing loudly I cannot take it please please PLEASE HELP ME

CiCi

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:13 pm

You need a break ASAP!!! If you have older kids then tell them to babysit, run out and don't come back home for a MINIMUM of 3 hours!

If you have little kids only then your husband must drop everything and take a break! Get out of the house!

Walk, drive, just go somewhere where you can hear yourself think! It's critical that you get some downtime.

amother

Pink

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:15 pm

Stay in the other room.
Take some deep breaths.
Drink a cup of water if you can.
Listen to some music and push your mouth into a fake smile, it brings good emotions for real.
And also, don’t feel guilty or bad. Every mom gets like this sometimes. At least, I certainly do. Stay in your room until you can act calm.
Oh, and pat yourself on the back- your kids sound very normal and happy, you’re obviously doing something right.

Lizzie4

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:16 pm

Me time is the only way I'm handling.

Some ideas are

* sleeping in occasionally and letting hubby deal with morning craziness
* Giving kids an hour of screen time/nap time and napping yourself
* Going out yourself for a morning or evening. If your husband cannot and will not pitch in, maybe you should think about getting outside help

bigsis144

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:18 pm

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel, down to the rage and desire to DO ANYTHING JUST TO MAKE THEM SHUT UP.

You are doing the first thing right by removing yourself from the situation. Give yourself credit for that!! A triggered, disregulated mom can’t be a helpful mom, so as long as your kids are safe, give yourself permission to step back and calm down.

I have been working on mindfulness and body awareness to help me get re-regulated. I try to really turn my focus inward and feel where the tension is.
Move out of your spinning thoughts and judgements and just focus on your breath, or your heartbeat, or your hands that are just itching to SMACK something. Really feel it, and don’t judge yourself.

I’ve been using this method with my therapist and it helps me. At the very least, it slowed me down from simply reacting instinctively and prevented me from doing things I’ll later regret, like the aforementioned beating of children.

Hug

PinkFridge

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:23 pm

Getting out right now for 3 hours is a wonderful idea (think: Calgon, take me away!). The big question is, what is a sustainable game plan. A parenting expert I know says that when this started, she figured out some non-negotiables in her life, e.g. 15 minutes to daven, 10 minute sacrosanct coffee break time (her husband works from home), etc. And it might be 10 minutes and 5 minutes some day. Don't think too big.

You also need effective bribes/treats. Not in the sense of if you keep quiet for 5 minutes you get, but just some regular stuff to make their lives more pleasant too - freeze pops, jiggers of soda, whatever floats their boats.

And some dedicated down time equipment - whether music, games, just quiet but not boring time.

Sending you hugs and koach (I wish I could!)

FranticFrummie

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:26 pm

Ear plugs. It won't keep the sound out completely, so it will still be safe and you'll hear if there are any emergencies.

They will keep the sharp edges off of the sounds, and turn down the volume, so you can hear yourself think.

When DD had colic, it was the only thing that kept my sanity, because I had to hold her on my shoulder and walk around all night. She would be screaming right into my ear.

amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:29 pm

You’re all so sweet. You just made me cry more. Me time... there just isn’t that. My husband is working more than full time and I also have to get my part time job done. So what am I supposed to do?

BigSis you really got it - it’s like an actual rage - definitely an overreaction I know and I don’t act on it but you described the feeling perfectly - can you please give me step by step practical techniques

thunderstorm

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:33 pm

OP, I know people will tsk,tsk hearing you complain about your kids sounds but I want you to know that I know EXACTLY what you feel like. I actually discussed this with my therapist because I was feeling so guilty for feeling this way and I was being very self critical about my inability to be a good parent. But she reassured me and let me know that 1. These feelings are very normal under these circumstances 2. She explained that an individual that is an introvert or needs their space and privacy really gets affected by the constant voices from the kids. There’s literally no break.
At times I feel like my ears are getting damaged from the noise . It’s like I hear their high pitched squeals but at the same time it feels like my ears are clogged. It’s REALLy difficult. It’s probably my biggest struggle during quarantine. I feel like I keep saying “Shh,shh” when my kids are entitled to talk. I just feel like I’m losing it when they do. For real. I’m writing under my SN because I think that sharing my experience can help you realize that you are not alone.
What I usually do is after supper time, I tune out for at least an hour. My DH takes the kids into another room and either watches something with them or they do yard work or something together. Like this I get to release the sounds from my brain (I literally feel like that’s what I’m doing). Having that space is very important to me. Otherwise I would be lying in bed crying too.
It’s really hard. I know. 🤗

thunderstorm

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes thunderstorm thank you I am a REAL introvert! But I don’t have an hour to myself my husband is working overtime and I also have to work

I could only imagine how hard that is for you.
I have found that putting earphones in my ears with music that I enjoy helps me tune out the background noise and eases some of the tension. There have been heterim given by many Rabbanim now that music can be listened to if you feel the need and if it would improve the environment in the home.

amother

Ecru

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:42 pm

You are definitely not alone...I feel so guilty getting irritated and trying to shush them bc they're not doing anything wrong, technically. But the volume and random noises are so annoying I can not stand it anymore. The rage thing is very real and scares me and when I get to that point just go into my room and have to calm down. Cover my head with a pillow and whatever happens with the kids happens. I've been giving more screen time than usual and I've been eating more treats than usual. Not great but what I've got right now. The one thing that sometimes makes me feel a little better is remembering that Hashem is the one who created me with this personality and sensitivities. It's not a mistake and I'm not a bad or mean mom for having a hard time with it.

Edited to add that when you have a bunch of young children you can't just go take a bath or shower r walk or watch something. I think sometimes people forget that when they're past this stage or have children who are unusually easy about occupying themselves.

sunflower_seed

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:45 pm

Wow, OP and thunderstorm, I am like that too.
I was also feeling guilty. I always describe this stress as when I can't "hear myself think" .
It's very real to me too.
I would even run out of the flat sometimes to get away from the noise.

Hugs! OP!

amother

Copper

Wed, May 06 2020, 12:47 pm

I'm crying just from reading your post, op. I am just like this. Every time I hear them getting wild and silly with that cackling laughter I just want to stomp over to each one and plant a resounding slap on each of their faces. It drives me completely mad! And the fighting too. If I have to hear it one more time, I'm gonna walk off the ledge. I just can't anymore. It's a slow painful death, living with this.

I know this wasn't helpful for you, op. But it's not only you.

amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 1:36 pm

Copper YES!!! That feeling
At the very least this is so validating.
It’s not just about entertaining or disciplining kids - it’s a unique kind of tension and rage that comes from these noises... yes that cackling laughter is exactly how I describe it...

This is so helpful all of you thank you. I need practical techniques for grounding and regulating and de stressing in the moment because stopping it / separating them / going out isn’t always an option and I don’t even think they’re doing anything wrong