Family Friends going OTD influences my DD

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 5:49 pm

What to do. I know we can’t do anything about the family (it’s not my place and though tempting obviously who am I to judge) but their kids are our kids’ friends and now all of a sudden my DD age 12 wants to wear jeans and go to PS. Sad

In fact she is wearing jeans right now because she is “her own person”. I told her we don’t wear jeans like that. She only owns a pair for activities in which she needs leg protection like hiking or something. We are an active family and live OOT so it’s not so unusual. Our community is small and there is quite a mix of observance and minhagim. If I make pants a big issue though she will resist and probably fight about it for the sake of fighting. We have had such a hard time with this DD getting her to a school she is thriving in and happy. But she is so influenced by friends. She acts different around them. She has a strong desire to fit in and take cues from her friends even if it involves not so nice middos. Now this.

amother

Slategray

Wed, May 06 2020, 6:10 pm

How much contact does your DD have with the family members you're writing about? Do they or her friends have more influence on her? And what are her regular friends like?

amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 6:34 pm

She is one of her main friends but lately hasn't seen much of her because of COVID. They kind of have a hot and cold relationship actually.

amother

Slategray

Wed, May 06 2020, 7:17 pm

Perfect time to expand your DD's interests and hobbies. Maybe she will find positive outlets for her creativity with your guidance. She wants to be her own person as you put it, so this is the ideal opportunity to help her discover what that means, beyond her wardrobe.

amother

Wed, May 06 2020, 8:57 pm

She is very much influenced by her friends and has always been one that needs to have company.

CiCi

Wed, May 06 2020, 11:40 pm

You are the parent and you put down the rules. Don't argue with her, just tell her this is the way it is in this house. She cannot wear pants, period. Arguing won't help. Just say it as it is, no why, ifs and buts.

At the same time you have to become her close friend you can go on hikes and have conversations. You can paint together, etc. Try to build a positive relationship.

I hope she gets to see the beauty in Yiddishkeit. Hatzlacha.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, May 07 2020, 6:10 am

I would be careful about laying down the law and making it a battlefield. Maybe sit down with her and have a conversation about why she wants to wear jeans. You can try talking about different standards for different people etc. It might be worth considering learning tznius halochos together. I find for myself when I understood the reasoning behind things, it made it easier, like learning about how trousers outline the shape of the leg/thigh and backside, which is forbidden.
Understanding the reasoning might help her decide what she wants to do.

amother

Blush

Thu, May 07 2020, 8:29 am

Ouch. BTDT.

I wish I had advice for you, except daven, daven, daven! Being OOT is really hard, especially when the LW Jewish kids are all wearing short sleeves and jeans during the week, and no tights on Shabbos. It's a constant struggle.

I lost that battle. I hope you have more luck than I did.

amother

Thu, May 07 2020, 8:52 am

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Yes! Seriously...it really does make a difference who they hang around with.

essie14

Thu, May 07 2020, 9:32 am

CiCi wrote:

yeah...no, that will not work.
Definitely try to build a good relationship with her. But the more you push about pants the more she will push back. Either she will outgrow the desire to wear pants, or when she is 18 she will do whatever she wants anyway.

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