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How to ask husband for money?
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 10:10 am
I had the same feeling when I was out of work!
Yes his money is ours and mine is ours but still having my own income made me feel better about getting things for myself, asking him for money still isn't the most comfortable even tho he never says no.

We don't share accounts either, maybe one day but we are both fine like this.

You just have to say to him 'hopefully ill start working again soon, but at the moment do you think you could put some extra money in the joint account so I have access?" He may as how much so tell him "50 for gas 50 for personal" or whatever you want. But if you start it off that you'll be working again soon I think it'll be better for you from yourself.

Once you say it it'll get a tad easier but I totally understand! Started working again so sometimes only if I see he has a lot of cash do I ask for some Smile
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 10:10 am
amother [ Black ] wrote:
I’m married thirty years and have to ask my husband for every penny he puts all the money in his own name and statements go to a P.O. Box

I feel like getting divorced and worry what would happen if he died


Have you ever had a conversation about this with him?
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 10:12 am
Do one of two things.
1. Use the joint account as your family account. This would mean he deposits his salary in your joint account. Then get an ATM card for this account.
2. Together you should put your name on the former "his" account. Then get an ATM card for the former "his" account. It is now your joint account. Close the others.
If it is important that you each have your own separate account then do #1.
My dh and I have several active accounts based on which bank gives out free money to open an account but we have both our names on every one. (Except for the ones we had from before our marriage about 20 years ago.)
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 10:17 am
I have been married for over 20 years and have never worked besides the first year. I have never once had to ask my husband for money. He works but I pay all of the bills since that takes time and do all of the shopping. Obviously we discussed our financial situation and I don't make purchases that are out of our budget. just a validate you I would find it very degrading if I had to ask him for everything.taking care of a home even without kids is a responsibility and I'm sure you are contributing plenty to the family so you shouldn't feel bad
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L25




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 10:17 am
I would tell him exactly what you wrote here. It might be helpful if he talks to someone he respects who is aware of how many different people do it, chosson teacher or rabbi if he feels comfortable so that he can be educated that it's very normal to share finances even if that's not what his parents did.

asking for access to money is a normal thing to want. It might be helpful to have an outsider explain that to him. Even if it wasn't "normal" he should still do it for the sake of the marriage.

Some other things to consider

you are newlyweds- it's a good time to figure out in general what you want your marriage to look like irrespective of what type of marriage either set of parents have.

It also might be helpful for you to work on viewing you and your husband as a team, vs him being someone outside of you that you feel bad asking money from. As a team you figure out what works for you financially.
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ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 11:01 am
Couples handle finances in all different ways. However it is important to have a discussion to determine how you want to handle your finances going forward. As you are newly married now is a good time to do that. He might have difficulty at first because as you mentioned his parents had separate accounts, and people usually prefer to do what they are accustomed to. It is important how this conversation is structured as you don't want him to become defensive, and money and finances are often a hot topic.

Another thing to consider is what would happen if the tables were turned and he was out of work and you were the sole bread winner. How would that look to both of you?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 11:11 am
OP, you need to get one thing straight. Right now, you are not working outside the home. That does not mean that you are not working!

Who does the laundry? Who does the shopping, plans the menus, and cooks the meals? Who cleans the house? Does he hire other people to do that, or do you do it for free? If there are children, or one on the way, that is a huge service that no one else can provide.

Just because you are not earning an outside salary, does not mean that what you do is worthless. In fact, it's priceless. You need to feel good about what you contribute to the home, and then you'll feel good about asking for equal finances.

As long as you are reasonable and responsible, there is no reason why you shouldn't have an ATM card of your own, and money in the joint account. Discuss monthly expenses, and decide how much you will have left over for spending, and how much for savings.

Once you two are clear on the numbers, you'll both have a lot less stress in your lives.

Marriage counselors say that there are two things that will destroy a relationship: Disagreements about zex, and disagreements about money.
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OOTforlife




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 11:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am newlywed and we have separate accounts, and a joint account. The joint account is pretty much empty. I have to ask him for money for everything.

This does not seem like a workable long term setup.

It's important to understand why he has set it up this way. If it is because he views his earnings as solely his to control, and not as belonging to you both as a couple, then that is a really big problem. If it's just because he thinks it's most convenient, then it should be easy to explain to him why it is not convenient.
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silverlining3




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 11:52 am
Don't be aggressive. To me it seems more like it's a newlywed issue. He's not used to responsibility or the like and doesn't mean anything bad, (maybe unless you know he's a penny pincher?) Or it's how he saw his parents dealing with finances... Things need to settle. But definitely discuss this issue and broach your feelings. He might just be ignorant and not selfish.
Maybe you can say something, LET'S make a joint account, involve you and him as one, so I don't need to ask you every dollar. It'll be much easier for me to take care of things. Or however u say it, be gentle.

Good luck
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amother




Green
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:06 pm
You value your independence, you always have, it seems. For you, asking for money is really admitting that you are lacking in some way. I think that might be how you see it in your mind. I would work on changing your own mentality. I think once you do that, you won't be ashamed to ask for money, or to work out a new money system with dh.
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Mothers




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:10 pm
amother [ Green ] wrote:
You value your independence, you always have, it seems. For you, asking for money is really admitting that you are lacking in some way. I think that might be how you see it in your mind. I would work on changing your own mentality. I think once you do that, you won't be ashamed to ask for money, or to work out a new money system with dh.


Objectively: Asking for anything is admitting that one is lacking it.
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iluvy




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:28 pm
Mothers wrote:
Objectively: Asking for anything is admitting that one is lacking it.


A married couple is one person. She is not lacking money. Two of her four hands (belonging to her husband) earns money. She needs the other two of the four hands to be able to access it.
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Mothers




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:35 pm
iluvy wrote:
A married couple is one person. She is not lacking money. Two of her four hands (belonging to her husband) earns money. She needs the other two of the four hands to be able to access it.


I agree with the first statement, but she should have access without having to ask.
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iluvy




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:48 pm
Mothers wrote:
I agree with the first statement, but she should have access without having to ask.


Oh, of course. I must have misunderstood your post. I just meant she shouldn't feel bad about not earning money on her own. She should absolutely have access the money - it is hers just as much as his.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am currently not working, as I am not in a position to do so. I have a hard time asking my husband form money, especially when it is not an essential item. How can I handle this?


I would get marriage counseling- part of having a good marriage is being able to depend on each other . If you feel so uncomfortable to even ask than that is a deeper question as to how fix it.
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amother




Pewter
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 12:59 pm
It makes sense that he thinks this is normal if that’s the way he grew up, but I don’t think it’s healthy to have separate accounts. As others have said, now is the time to figure this out when you’re just starting out. My husband’s and my (very small) salary both get directly deposited into our account. My husband budgets by only keeping a small weekly amount in the checking account, and we both have a debit card that we use. I “ask” him or more often notify him if I need to make a larger purchase than normal, or let’s say around yom tov time I let him know how much I’ll need to get new clothing for the kids etc. He’s technically in charge, but that’s only because I’d prefer he’s the one who takes care of all the bills and budgeting. But we don’t consider the money any more his than mine even though he makes most of it. Of course I wouldn’t just go buy an expensive piece of furniture without consulting with him, simply because we don’t have that kind of money. Married 16+ years and it can take awhile to figure out your budget, which is anyway constantly changing, but I do think it’s imperative that from the start you do not have separate accounts.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Fri, Jun 05 2020, 3:22 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok how how do I go about doing that?


Hi, sweetie. You're asking how to go about having this discussion with your husband?

What's your relationship with your husband now? Do you have open communication? Did you know each other well before you got married?

I know you have a hard time asking people for money, but you guys are partners. Imagine you have a child - wouldn't you want that child to be happy and lack for nothing? That should be how you feel for your husband and he for you.

You guys don't have the kind of money to have all these separate accounts. If your in-laws do, they certainly didn't when they first got married. What will you do when you have children?

Talk to him like you would talk to your best friend. Be honest. Listen to his point of view and tell him yours.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Thu, Jun 11 2020, 8:57 pm
Op, I know the feeling. It was really hard for me to ask for money when I stopped working (I had 3 kids by then)

I felt like I needed to explain WHY I wanted to get something....it was so hard on me...I cringed as a girl to ask my poor parents for anything. I couldnt do to my husband.

I had a discussion one nice day. I opened my heart and told him how I feel bad asking for money or spending money. I explained how hard it is for me. TYH my husband is not stingy! It was my own insecurity.

He told me that I shouldn't feel this way, and he is going to leave in an envelope a certain amount every week. (It increases as my family grows) He knows I dont waste it. I am in charge of buying anything for the house whether its kids pants, eyeliner, or a new soap holder.

This was yrs ago, and it works much better than me asking for every item separate.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Thu, Jun 11 2020, 9:34 pm
I do not agree with some of these posters.

I am also a newlywed. We have 3 accounts- wedding account which we have for savings, my husband has his for his work income and mine from HS which has maybe 2k in it. I do not think its wrong to have my own account. Actually, if I want to get myself some new dresses or makeup I have my own babysitting money to tap into and I dont have to ask my husband for money.

WHen I start working in a few weeks, we already decided my paycheck will get distributed to my account, and I will divide it into our savings too. That way if Im out and need to get stuff, Ill use my card, and if my husband is out, he'll use his card. Or vice versa. Its really fine.
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Einikel




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jun 11 2020, 10:07 pm
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
I do not agree with some of these posters.

I am also a newlywed. We have 3 accounts- wedding account which we have for savings, my husband has his for his work income and mine from HS which has maybe 2k in it. I do not think its wrong to have my own account. Actually, if I want to get myself some new dresses or makeup I have my own babysitting money to tap into and I dont have to ask my husband for money.

WHen I start working in a few weeks, we already decided my paycheck will get distributed to my account, and I will divide it into our savings too. That way if Im out and need to get stuff, Ill use my card, and if my husband is out, he'll use his card. Or vice versa. Its really fine.


If it works and you’ve discussed it I don’t see the problem. It just sounds more complicated to me than having a joint account with 2 debit cards. Also how do you decide which account bills get paid out of?
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