DH Refuses to Wear Mask

amother

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:41 pm

DH completely refuses to wear a mask. He will only go to places where if he takes a mask off it won't be a big deal (like one grocery store where no one seems to be wearing them, even though they are supposed to.) He says, "Trump doesn't wear one. I'm not wearing one either." Dumb, in my opinion. DH claims masks do nothing. He won't even go to shul because masks are required. The gym is opening soon, again masks required. Won't go, even though he has been constantly complaining it was closed for so long.
He doesn't care at all about social distancing
I'm super nervous about this.
And it's only going to get worse.
Right now his job is off for the summer (and has been since March.) He is currently planning ways not to wear a mask as required by location where he is based.
Also, his job (kiruv) requires hosting people in our home....which because of this virus I am so opposed to. He doesn't care about social distancing or masks, and has no plans of making any of these things required for guests. So, I am basically looking at people I barely know in and out of my home, dh who thinks all the restrictions are ridiculous, and I am feeling so nervous and doomed.😥
On top of that...he gets the kids on board with his no mask wearing, no social distancing opinion. He let one older kid go to a birthday party. All the other kids wore masks, except mine, because dh said it wasn't necessary.
Ok, really just needed to vent. I'm so worried and he just won't listen.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Take this to his Rov! This is unacceptable and shows a total lack of regard for your feelings and worse for your health! He can’t decide to impose these dangerous views onto your children! Is he always needing to be in control in other issues between you? Don’t back down on this, you’re right and he should be respecting your opinion!

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 12:51 pm

I understand your frustrations, but I feel that you need to choose your battles.

Him not wearing a mask is 100% his own business. I wouldn't even bring it up.

Allowing a child to go to a birthday party should be a joint decision. If the child is bar/bat mitzvah+ then also respecting their opinion.

Inviting guests for kiruv should also be a joint decision, but if that is how he makes his parnassa and it is legal, then I don't think it's very reasonable to object.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:10 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Wearing a mask isn’t his own business. It affects other people.

notshanarishona

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:21 pm

I don’t think it’s something you should fight over. As someone else choose your battles- bringing people into the house you definitely have a say about. Him wearing a mask or not is his personal decision. Not that I agree with it but you aren’t his Mommy . As an example, my dh tends to speed faster than I am comfortable with. We reached a compromise that when I or the kids are in the car he goes slower than he does on his own. Their is a limit to how much say a wife has on her husband’s choices . Also with minyanim , we went to a rav and said I was very uncomfortable with my husband resuming minyan (with me and my son both being high risk) and the rav said he doesn’t need to go.

Last edited by notshanarishona on Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 1:37 pm

Just to add -- I don't think that having guests over for kiruv is comparatively that risky for a profession. I'm guessing you have like 6 guests over for Shabbat? Everything is relative, but if he were a preschool rebbe, a school teacher, a doctor/nurse, a store clerk, bus driver, etc, that would be a lot more exposure.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:03 pm

I'm sorry, it's hard that he doesn't want to wear a mask.

I think you might have to appeal to his public persona. You can say, look let's say you're right that masks do nothing. (I don't agree, just to be clear.) Even so, wearing a mask signals to others that you care about their health. And not wearing one means that you don't care. People in kiruv need to be caring and to come across as concerned. When you don't wear a mask, you're undermining yourself.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:09 pm

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

So how he loooks to others is more important than considering his wifes feelings

ora_43

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:24 pm

If he's avoiding shul and the gym, technically he is socially distancing. Not going at all is even safer than going with a mask on.

If that makes you feel any less doomed.

Anyway. If you've been arguing this from a covid-safety angle, I'd switch to arguing it from a your-feelings angle. "Dh, I'm scared, and I get that you're not, but honestly? It makes me feel pretty awful when you just ignore my feelings like this."

Because that's the real problem here, right?

Avoid any fights that you don't need to have right now. Preferring to daven without a minyan rather than wear a mask might seem like a strange choice to you - but it only affects him, so just ignore it. His job is off for the summer, so don't fight now over whether he's going to be safe in September. Who knows, maybe by then Trump will pull a Boris Johnson, ie, get the virus and suddenly realize it's a big deal, and your dh will follow suit.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 2:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are you part of a network? If so, is there anything coming from the top about how to conduct things?

Ora in town

Thu, Jun 25 2020, 6:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's a bit of a fallacy.
trump doesn't wear a mask, but everyone who comes near him gets tested, in the White House... And he himself too...

So the only occasion he has to catch the virus are those mass rallies...

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jun 26 2020, 8:54 am

I wear a mask outside when cannot SD and wear it indoors when in a public place.

At the same time I totally relate and support and emphasize Cici's post.

Its these illogical double standards that undermine the credibility of what some the authorities political/health are telling us in the US.

Cant have both -- either it is a terrible scourge requiring mask wearing and the protests would not have been supported or allowed for fear of contagion and public health requirement or its not.

And not one standard for thee but not me like the local NY politicians and many more.

That said I feel for you Op. It is tough when people in our home or "pod" don't agree on the protocols though at this point I accept and feel people will decide for themselves and cant control them even if wanted to.