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Was it wrong of me to turn him down?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:50 pm
Someone messaged me on a dating website and I kept taking no notice as I think a 12 year gap is far too big.
I replied eventually as I kept getting more messages and I would like him to stop. So I replied politely that I don't think we are a match as I Am quite a bit younger than him.

His reply was like, ' I am much younger at heart, please reconsider and don't just throw me away'. I was quite taken aback to receive such a reply from someone who I have never spoken to, who it seems to me felt I need to give him a chance.

Did I do something wrong by saying I don't want someone 12 years older? Was it offensive?
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:51 pm
Not at all
I think u r smart
ten years is the most Id go and what is typically advised unless I already knew someone and it was an exception to the rule
his reaction says a lot about him
good you said no
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:53 pm
For this message alone I wouldn’t consider
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:58 pm
Thanks

Xdh was emotionally very needy and I do realize we all have emotional needs but I get the feeling that he may be very needy too and I don't want to start another marriage off like this
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 7:59 pm
Ime, a response like that actually indicates a bigger age gap than was stated. It's probably closer to 20.

Be as courteous as you can, of course, but I don't think you need to worry about offending someone on a dating site by indicating you are not interested.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:02 pm
You did the right thing. His reply is a red flag and I’m glad you caught onto that.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:12 pm
When I was 25, a 50 year old man messaged me on a dating site that I should do a chessed and go out with him.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:14 pm
ugh
Yes Op trust your judgement and don't let some random person on the internet who doesn't even know you undermine you or make you second guess
he has his agenda
and you have yours -- take care of yourself
hatzlocha!
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:14 pm
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
When I was 25, a 50 year old man messaged me on a dating site that I should do a chessed and go out with him.

Yep, sounds about right. Lol (but a sad one).
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:17 pm
He sounds severely disturbed, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 8:41 pm
I agree with all the other posters but just out of curiousity as I cannot put my finger on it or articulate it, what exactly is wrong with the response he gave and why does it raise red flags. I understand and agree that it does just wondering if someone can articulate why?
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 9:05 pm
No, but it was rude to ignore his messages. You should have cut him off at the pass and turned him down immediately.
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Frumme




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 9:07 pm
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
I agree with all the other posters but just out of curiousity as I cannot put my finger on it or articulate it, what exactly is wrong with the response he gave and why does it raise red flags. I understand and agree that it does just wondering if someone can articulate why?


Because he should be able to just take "no" for an answer. His repeated attempts at connection and his reply when OP finally said no is indicative of his assumption that he feels if he just pressures a girl enough, she will feel bad and say yes. Unfortunately, Western society has typically taught women that they should say anything to "get along" (e.g. say "yes" even in uncomfortable situations), whereas men are often taught to "play to win."

Even the fact that OP felt she needed to justify her no to him-- by explaining that there was too much of an age gap between them-- is a symptom of that... she feels she can't say no without a "valid" excuse, and when the man was unhappy with her response it was because to *him* her excuse wasn't valid, he got upset at her! Then, in a vicious cycle, OP is made out to feel like she is the bad person when really she was just doing what any sane woman her age would probably do in the same situation.
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BH Yom Yom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 9:17 pm
OP - listen to your gut. If something feels “off” - it most likely is. You did the right thing.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 9:38 pm
zaq wrote:
No, but it was rude to ignore his messages. You should have cut him off at the pass and turned him down immediately.


Some men take any response as an indicator of interest.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 9:49 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Someone messaged me on a dating website and I kept taking no notice as I think a 12 year gap is far too big.
I replied eventually as I kept getting more messages and I would like him to stop. So I replied politely that I don't think we are a match as I Am quite a bit younger than him.

His reply was like, ' I am much younger at heart, please reconsider and don't just throw me away'. I was quite taken aback to receive such a reply from someone who I have never spoken to, who it seems to me felt I need to give him a chance.

Did I do something wrong by saying I don't want someone 12 years older? Was it offensive?


I dated someone for a while with an even larger age gap and no, you did nothing wrong. The fact that he kept messaging you after you ignored him is creepy. I'd just block him.

Zaq, I met DH on a dating site and it's not the culture there that you have to or even should be responding to every stranger who messages you to express interest. It's understood that a message is an invitation to engage in conversation, but women can get tens of these weekly, have no idea who the person on the other side is, and if there's any reason they don't feel like responding, it's not considered "rude" to ignore in online dating etiquette.

Many men are just sending out generic "hey"s to hundreds of women. These messages don't warrant responses and I don't think most would even appreciate a response that was like, "hey, thanks for reaching out, I'm not interested." It's a given when someone doesn't respond that they aren't interested, and most men don't send follow ups.
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 10:18 pm
I don’t know how these sites work. Can you block without replying next time so you don’t have randoms playing games like that. You def did the right thing. I’m sorry he tried to guilt you.
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amother




Tan
 

Post  Sun, Jun 28 2020, 10:47 pm
Eh, to me he just sounds desperate. Possibly a touch socially off. It doesn’t have to be anything pathological.

But you still don’t have to go out with him.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Jun 29 2020, 3:45 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I dated someone for a while with an even larger age gap and no, you did nothing wrong. The fact that he kept messaging you after you ignored him is creepy. I'd just block him.

Zaq, I met DH on a dating site and it's not the culture there that you have to or even should be responding to every stranger who messages you to express interest. It's understood that a message is an invitation to engage in conversation, but women can get tens of these weekly, have no idea who the person on the other side is, and if there's any reason they don't feel like responding, it's not considered "rude" to ignore in online dating etiquette.

Many men are just sending out generic "hey"s to hundreds of women. These messages don't warrant responses and I don't think most would even appreciate a response that was like, "hey, thanks for reaching out, I'm not interested." It's a given when someone doesn't respond that they aren't interested, and most men don't send follow ups.


I hAve numerous messages from him and he even payed for me to enable me to read them as some I need to pay for abd I didnt bother. I have a few other msgs from people too which I didnt respond to. After all I dont have to respond to everyone's message if im not interested. I don't just chat to men stam.
He happens to live local that's why its more freaky.
And I truly felt he is nagging me by sending messages...so I replied to sort of explain my lack of replying which he wasn't able to accept.
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amother




Green
 

Post  Mon, Jun 29 2020, 7:00 am
Please be careful out there sister,
Take good care of yourself, you are the number 1 person now.
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