She doesnt want her father to come

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:56 am

Dd18 was diagnosed with a potentially serious health condition.
Because of covid we haven't spoken to the neurologist in person yet but gave an appointment next week b"h.
She hadly sees her father and hasnt got much of a relationship with him.
When I asked her if she has told him about the appointment she replied, "why should I?"

Am I supposed to encourage her to let her father be involved or let her make the choice?

amother

Lime

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 11:59 am

You can't force a relationship and trying can backfire into resentment towards you, let her make her own choice.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 12:04 pm

I wouldn't push the father relationship, for two reasons.
1. It might make her nervous about the whole medical side of things. She might feel it must be really serious if you are pushing her to have her father there.
2. As a teen/ young 20's, I didn't speak to my father for a good decade, maybe more. And when I got married, things got a drop better, now we speak a couple of times a year. She needs her space to heal and separate the good from the bad. You can't force that, it takes time.

Wishing you only good news and siyata dishmaya with your daughter's diagnosis.

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 3:36 pm

Omein!!

Thank you for your good wishes and reassurances that I don't need to encourage her to ask her father to come along.

giselle

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 3:50 pm

I know this doesn’t really address your question, but it’s possible they won’t even allow two parents to come along. I had to take my daughter to a specialist where they would normally want both parents to come, but because of Covid, they only allow one parent.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 4:21 pm

Only agree if the DD is an adult. Even if she’s 17 nearly 18 she needs to tell him about the condition and explain what she’s comfortable with.

amother

Linen

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 4:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Absolutely. He’s a parent just as much as you are.

iyar

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 4:36 pm

I wouldn't push her OP. Let your daughter, as the patient, do whatever will make her most comfortable.
Does your daughter have a problem with her father getting any information? I don't know anything about your relationship with her father, but maybe you can share with him what the results are even if he doesn't join you at the appointmemt.
Refuah Sheleima!

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 4:39 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Only agree if the DD is an adult. Even if she’s 17 nearly 18 she needs to tell him about the condition and explain what she’s comfortable with.

Why does it make a difference if she is almost 18 or already 18? If her father doesn't have any custody she doesn't have any legal obligation to tell him. Not saying whether I think she should or not, just commenting on the post I quoted.

zaq

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 5:13 pm

Only agree if the DD is an adult. Even if she’s 17 nearly 18 she needs to tell him about the condition and explain what she’s comfortable with.

They barely have a relationship. Unless she needs his consent for treatment because he holds the purse strings, why should she?

amother

Plum

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 5:20 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Absolutely. He’s a parent just as much as you are.

Why are her feelings irrelevant?

amother

Azure

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 5:32 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Absolutely. He’s a parent just as much as you are.

Well, apparently he's not, if she barely sees him. (I am assuming this is his fault, and not because the mother caused alienation or something).

And she's an adult anyway, so she decides.

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 7:21 pm

He knows about the condition and was very involved while she was in hospital too. But that was because I felt that was right on my part.I made sure that he be part of facetime when the dr was around.
I told him that I asked for an appointment and will let him know when I get the letter, but dd got a letter and not me. He's not enquired about the letter/appointment yet...

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 7:33 pm

I haven’t dealt with such a situation in my personal life but I am in the medical field where we’ve had to navigate many sensitive custody situations.

One, since your daughter is an adult she decides who she wants involved in her care and who the information should be disclosed to.

If her father asks, you can share with him whatever you know, but have a discussion with your daughter to let her know what you plan to share.

If he doesn’t ask, I’d keep him in the loop for major updates but nothing beyond that, of course all with the permission and approval of your daughter.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 7:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds like you’re doing a great job at working to coparent your daughter. based on these details I would wait for him.

amother

Rose

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 2:41 am

As a child of divorce, I would say you need to let her make her own decisions. Now, it sounds like he wants to be involved and that you communicate with each other. My father had no interest so there wasn't really anything my mom could do. But if I were you I would have a conversation with DD and come up with a plan of what she allows you to share with her father. it's her choice not to have him at appointments or in the hospital but you are also allowed to get support from her other parent and if he wants to be supportive there needs to be some leeway given.

banana123

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 2:55 am

Your daughter is an adult. Let her make her own decisions. Ask her what you are allowed to say and what you are not allowed to say. Respect her choices.