My father is a covert narcissist AMA

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:46 am

A covert narcissist is one who, very loosely, looks normal, or even saintly, to the outside world, but is a monster at home and behind closed doors.

I’m not sure about a sociopath though.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:51 am

From Forbes health website

“ Covert narcissism—also referred to as vulnerable narcissism—has been described as the “more silent and subtle variation” of narcissism. This type of narcissist shares the same overarching traits of the personality disorder—an inflated sense of self, a lack of empathy for others and an excessive need for admiration and attention—but manifests these traits in a less obvious way.”

amother

Geranium

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:05 am

1. Have you ever seen him have “narcissistic eyes”? (You know those dark, beady eyes right before a rage?)

2. What kinds of things trigger his narcissistic rage?

By the way my sympathies, I’ve been closely involved with a narcissist in my life before and it wasn’t pretty. Hugs

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:07 am

amother OP wrote:

A covert narcissist is one who, very loosely, looks normal, or even saintly, to the outside world, but is a monster at home and behind closed doors.

I’m not sure about a sociopath though.

how are they (or at least in yout fathers case) not scared thag word will eventually slip up and get out of the doors of the house?
Another question, it is quite somewhat normal for all couples to have small quarrels here or there (even with us) and I am not discussing major sb issues.... but if a guest is there most people are smart enough to hide it. How would a narcissist who is doing the same thing assumingly be different than those people?
Is there any hints one can tell from the outside that someone is a narcissist?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:14 am

amother Geranium wrote:

1. Oh yes, my childhood in a nutshell. Sometimes he didn’t even need to go into the rage because his eyes were enough to turn you cold.

2. Not being given the kavod he so rightly deserves.

amother

Lightgray

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:18 am

How does your relationship look like as an adult out of the house?
Are you still in touch with him?
Did you ever get over the fact that you cant have any support from him or do you still secretly wait for his affirmation of love or appreciation of you.
And how is your relationship with your mother are they still together?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:19 am

amother Mayflower wrote:

In my case, it did come out of the house, but he is a master at manipulating and playing the victim so people still rally around him somewhat. And he had no insight so he still thinks his kids worship the ground he walks, and can’t understand why we don’t include him more in our lives.

Most times there is no hint and the only people who know the real person are the ones who are the victims, close family. To the outside he portrays the ‘good father’ and is a great at pulling the wool over people’s eyes.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:23 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

I’m in touch with him but in a very superficial level. He still triggers me and it has taken lots of therapy to get where I am today, which is still a long way from him not having a hold over me.

I’ve reached the point that I don’t even want his love or appreciation, but I do mourn the fact that I didn’t ever have, and never will have , a loving father.

amother

Geranium

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:25 am

amother OP wrote:

1. Oh yes, my childhood in a nutshell. Sometimes he didn’t even need to go into the rage because his eyes were enough to turn you cold.

2. Not being given the kavod he so rightly deserves.

3. Do you remember a particular event that set him off into a rage?

With my experience, it was anytime I didn’t want to be controlled.

One event in my case was he became irrationally angry from me using the wrong emoji. Called me for about 20 mins yelling and screaming and blaming me for who knows what.

4. Did you suffer any health effects after getting married and moving out?

When the narcissist and I parted ways, I suffered from severe headaches that never went away for months afterwards. During my time with them I had severe, deep-rooted chest pains nearly every day and was constantly stressed.

It was also affected me psychologically for a while as well in bizarre ways.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:30 am

amother Geranium wrote:

3. Pretty much the same as you! Whenever we stepped out of the line and did something that could remotely impact him negatively or going against his authority. We had to be his perfect little minions who did his bidding .

4. I do suffer from neck and back issues but it’s mainly the anxiety and depression that I was left with, specifically after having kids, but definitely had undiagnosed before.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:33 am

alibaba1 wrote:

How many years of therapy? Did all your siblings need therapy or did anyone remain "undamaged" or unable to face reality?

I’ve been in therapy for 6 year pretty regularly and am still pretty effected by my childhood, unfortunately.

BH we are all mostly functioning people and have raised beautiful families, but all of us are haunted by our past in some ways and it comes up in all of our lives. I think I have been the only one to go to regular therapy but I guess everyone deals with it in different ways.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:34 am

amother OP wrote:

1. Oh yes, my childhood in a nutshell. Sometimes he didn’t even need to go into the rage because his eyes were enough to turn you cold.

2. Not being given the kavod he so rightly deserves.

regarding the second one , even normal people would get upset if they dont get the honor they deserve ? (especially if they did a lot for others) what makes his case different than others ?

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:40 am

amother Mayflower wrote:

regarding the second one , even normal people would get upset if they dont get the honor they deserve ? (especially if they did a lot for others) what makes his case different than others ?

I say ‘ rightly deserves’ sarcastically. I’m talking about expecting the world from his children. Having crazy expectations of what should be done for him. Being and feeling entitled. Eg. Expecting to be waited on by a new mother.

amother

Blush

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Sadly this is my DH. It took me so many years , too many years to even notice it because it’s so covert.

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:42 am

amother Blush wrote:

Sadly this is my DH. It took me so many years , too many years to even notice it because it’s so covert.

Yes! For so long I thought I had a normal childhood.