Is it ok to lock a child in a room

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 2:48 am

My four year old son sometimes totally loses Temper tantrum, he'll bite his siblings, destroy things. When he's about to have a melt down if I tell him to go in time out he won't,. I can put him in his room to calm down but he'll keep coming out. I can keep returning him to his room but he'll keep coming out and he'll try kicking me. If I take him to his room and lock the door for just five minutes. When I open the door he'll calm down and he'll be over it. Over all he's a good kid but loses it when he's tired. Is it OK to lock him in his room for five minutes? I feel bad doing this but it really works for him to be able to calm down.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 2:53 am

You'll get a lot of "nos" because objectively it is not okay to lock a child in a room.

However, if while you are researching alternative parenting methods to PREVENT these outbursts from happening (look into Nurtured Heart Approach for one), making sure he goes to sleep early enough to not be overtired etc., the 5-minute lockup may be a passable temporary option.

Success10

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 2:54 am

I once heard you should close yourself in the room with the child, if possible, so he doesn't feel abandoned.

I have never locked a kid in a room with a key, to me that seems extreme, but I can agree with you that putting a child in a severe tantrum in his or her room is basically the only thing that calms them down.

I would discuss the issue with a real life parenting expert and see what they have to say. It's a common issue, explosive children, and you're not the first person to be facing this.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 2:59 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

At that age, no we did not lock them in a room. Definitely not. If they refuse to sit in corner you can restrain them for the duration of the time-out session (4m for a 4yo, 5m for a 5yo, etc.).

But when they are too big to restrain, if they can't sit nicely in the corner then yes they get locked in their bedroom. It's not plan A or plan B, it's a last resort, but it works, and they know how to avoid it if they want to.

Rappel

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:03 am

We did, until we were able to translate the idea of "focus time" to DS - that's he's a good person, and that he naturally wants to behave well, so when he's not behaving well it means he's tired/hungry/thirsty/out of balance somehow. So now we send him ( or sometimes he volunteers) to take a few minutes of quiet, personal time on his bed, often with a picture book or a small toy, until we can talk about what he's feeling and thinking and find a solution.

Also, I HIGHLY recommend the book "Solution Champs" by Miriam Adahan. It's a kid's book which teaches CBT, solution-oriented thinking, and higher thinking, for both parents and children.

Last edited by Rappel on Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:11 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:22 am

We are trying to work on the sleep issue but that's proving difficult. He just can't sleep for more than ten hours at night and he needs more. When he is having a tantrum is too hard to restrain him. Thanks for the book suggestion. Most of the time he's pretty good. This kind of thing only happens about once a week, other times I can distract or wait until he calms down.

banana123

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What about a nap during the day?

amother

Natural

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:41 am

No !!!!
He can become anxious and usually it
it doesn't appear immediately .
Some children are so gentle that even shouting on them can cause a long term damage , I recognized it on my daughter only when she was 13 years old which is pity .
In general the vulgar attitude is not helpful , try to see what is the motivation of this behavior , positive calm discipline has proved itself much more .
I wish I knew this when I was a young mother

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:40 am

I would say it's OK, as long as you stayed right by the door and let him know that you are there. That's what Nanny Jo does. (I know a lot of people hate her, but she's right about a lot of things too.)

Really, it depends on the kid. Some kids calm down when given some time alone, and some go into panic attacks and abandonment issues. I'm not going to judge, if a mom really knows her kid and knows what works for them.

OP, does your child have any speech delays that could cause him frustration? It sounds like he's forgetting how to communicate nicely when he's acting up, and that's why he's resorting to kicking and defiance. He could use some help with self soothing, and expressing himself more clearly.

Next time he has a meltdown, instead of going straight to punishing the behavior, see if you can get him to tell you what's going on. "Can you tell me what's bothering you? What do you need right now?" He may just want a cookie, or his sibling took one of his toys, or something else that's really easy to fix. Then you can explain to him that the way to get what he needs is to use his words. Tell him that you can't help him if he's just having a tantrum and hurting you.

Four years old is about the time when most kids start to understand cause and effect, and you can use basic logic with them. It's also a REALLY hard stage. When DD was four, I swear it was one long tantrum until she started kindergarten.

Hang in there!

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:51 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Four years old is about the time when most kids start to understand cause and effect, and you can use basic logic with them. It's also a REALLY hard stage. When DD was four, I swear it was one long tantrum until she started kindergarten.

Hang in there!

Uh, since when? My kids understand cause and effect from the age of a year or two. And the only reason we can't use basic logic with them is that they have no patience to listen to it. They figure it out eventually, at that age. They might want to do it themselves, and prove it themselves, instead of taking my word for it. But after they've done it themselves they get the logic of it. When they do have patience and I explain something logically, they listen.

Being stubborn and wanting to do everything yourself doesn't mean you're incapable of understanding cause and effect and basic logic.

teachkids

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:40 am

It very much depends on the kid. Some kids need that “time out” not as a punishment, but as a chance to reset. Some kids will get anxious from being locked in. Does he recognize that it helps him? If he does, then it’s 100% ok.
Depending on the age of the child, some people put a baby gate/ half door/ pet gate in The doorway so the kid can’t get out but they’re not in isolation. You can also sit outside the door and talk/ sing to him so he knows you’re there but can cool down.

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:46 am

Are there any other ways for you to deal with this challenging behavior?
For example, if only you or one or two others are around, can you leave the area instead?
Also, I once heard an idea that surprisingly works for some young kids. Take a random spot in your house ( for me it was the bottom step) and use that as the time- our spot.
When the child misbehaves, warn him or her that s/he will need to sit on the bottom step if the behavior continues. And after that, carry through and have them sit there for x amount of minutes. Note that this will work better if you can calmly implement it, not if you are upset as well.
To answer your question, I think that locking a child into a room is a pretty extreme measure , and should not be used unless absolutely necessary, and for the child’s own well being. (If we were perfect parents, all of our disciplining action would be for the child’s benefit.)
Depending on the child, being locked alone in a room can cause trauma.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 8:00 am

So I used to hold the door handle so kid couldn't pull it down. After a few minutes they would give up trying and I would just sit outside the door saying every so often "when I know u wont hurt anyone u can come be with u" or somethint similar ao kid wasnt totally abandoned.
Emotions of a temper tantrum feel massive to a kid and can be extremely upsetting for them. I feel giving ur love and support during is important.