S/o locking child in room

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:10 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

my toddler has been able to climb out of her crib before she was even 21 months. pack n play even earlier. some kids climb out earlier then others. she's still very much my baby its a problem that I can't confine her easily. she climbs out of carriage... thankfully I have older kids who can hold her for the duration of candle lighting but if I didn't....

I'm impressed. DD couldn't get out of the playpen until she was 4. Maybe she's just not much of a climber.

Does your DD get out of the safety straps on her stroller? What about a high chair that you can keep next to you? (I would never turn my back on a baby in a high chair. They can tip over pretty fast, unless it's one of those super safe models.)

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:12 pm

I said this in the other thread and I'll say it again here:

Locking kids in rooms is NOT the "right" thing to do.

But it may be your best option until you find a parenting/discipline method that works for your child.

I am also blessed with super-intense kids. They will not suffice with banging on the door. They will hurt the other kids to force you to come out of your room. They will break glass.

The Nurtured Heart approach has worked wonders with one of my toughest, where all previous methods failed.

But until you figure out the method that will work, you do have to keep your children safe. And sometimes, that does involve doing the "wrong" thing while you work on ensuring you won't need to do it again.

keym

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:14 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Playpen!

And put the candles on a very high shelf.

It's very important to childproof your home, whether the child is just really young, or is special needs.

You've mentioned play pen several times.
Do you have a specific one that kids really climb out of.
Because every playpen and pack n play that I've seen, my kids climb out by 2 the latest.
When I did a 2-2 1/2 yr old playgroup once, every kid was out of the pac n plays in just a few seconds.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:14 pm

she gets out of stroller straps, shopping wagon straps... I can put her in her booster seat strapped in but not nrear anything she can grab onto and tip over, or carseat in the car or hold her otherwise she's free roaming Wink

she definitely keeps me on my toes, G-d bless that child!

amother

Babypink

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:16 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

Husband being ready earlier to watch the child is a quick and easy fix.

Not everyone is blessed:) enough to have a husband who will make it his business to get ready earlier so he can be available to watch the child. Just saying..

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:26 pm

keym wrote:

I just can't picture a 2yo getting their pudgy little legs up and over the side of a Pack n'Play. The sides are as high as they typical baby gate. Are these little Olympic jumpers also making it over baby gates? Surprised

I had no idea I had it so easy. DD would throw toys out of the pen, would throw the mattress out of the pen, but she couldn't get herself out. Then she'd be mad that she was stuck in there with no toys and no mattress! LOL

Blessing1

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:28 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

All my kids got out of the pack n play before 2, it's not so difficult. A baby gate is even less difficult to climb over. My 11 month old managed to get out of the stroller fully harnessed.

amother

Lime

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:32 pm

I’ve locked into a room. I would do it again if it means keeping my child safe. I opened up and smiled and was able to offer comfort. I did it with lots of broken glass and another time with a bloody rodent. I didn’t read through the threads. It isn’t the action that is traumatic it’s the Mommy’s REACTION to it that it traumatic.

keym

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:33 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I find the softer mesh sides for some reason make it easier to scale the side.
The best baby gates I know are solid plexiglass. Too slippery and no foothold to climb up.
But by 3, all my kids maneuvered open all the baby gates.
I installed bolt locks at the top of the door to lock the door at night.

ShishKabob

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:51 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

I think I know who you are and I think this is very solid advice.

Blessing1

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:54 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

Not everyone is blessed:) enough to have a husband who will make it his business to get ready earlier so he can be available to watch the child. Just saying..

In this case, if there are no other options, I think it's ok to keep the child in a room for a couple of minutes while mom lights. Give the child a toy or book so the child doesn't feel punished. The safest thing would be to light out of kids reach so you shouldn't be worried for all hours the candles are burning.

amother

Violet

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 1:12 pm

In most cases, kids who climb out of pack and plays and get out of straps still take a minute to do it, and that's enough to light candles. We used to double gate ds into his room overnight when he was 2 and 3, and we still put noisy toys outside the gate. It was to slow him down and wake us up.

Ds once climbed out of tight car seat straps while I was in slow moving traffic on a highway. He was 4 and walking around the car and I couldn't do anything. I finally understood the mother I read aboit who duct taped her kid's carseat straps shut each time, and left a pair of scissors right there to cut it back open.

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 2:12 pm

Reading all the replies and here's more info...the kid wasn't that young - say age 7-9. Old enough not to be physically restrained while holding a match or to be able to light out of reach.
Of course there's no quick fix and the kid was in therapy, and the big picture being dealt with.

Spouse isn't available, no extra hands around. Sure, spouse should be prepared to help out, but in a house with such a child it was hard to even get shabbos ushered in..

This question was really for the die-hard, never-lock-a-child-into-a-room posters. There are some scenarios where things aren't so simple, and what would you have done?

ora_43

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:59 pm

If the kid is 7-9 I think the answer is even more simple: don't lock the child in a room. If you can't light candles, so you don't light candles.

I know it's not an easy situation, and I'm not saying my reaction would be perfect in the moment. But if we're talking an 8-year-old kid so worked up that they would risk hurting themselves just to get in the way of lighting candles, then that is probably not a kid who can handle being locked in their room. Whatever mental/emotional stuff is going on is likely to cause a bad reaction to something like that.

I would yell to dh, and in the meantime try to calm the kid down (I'm assuming regular shushing isn't going to work here, but eg, helping the kid feel safe, holding them tightly, or encouraging them to let out their anger on a pillow - whatever techniques sometimes work with that kid).

lilies

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:05 pm

ora_43 wrote:

Some kids get worked up quite easily and are defiant enough to dance on the line of safety. Just saying.

I'm actually curious about what the halachah would actually be? I'm having a hard time believing that Shabbos candles shouldn't be lit in this case.

amother

Natural

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:09 pm

NOTE PLEASE DO NOT LIGHT ON A KITCHEN COUNTER THAT'S UNDER CABINETS!

In the heat of the summer when I don't want all my candles in the dining room I've been known to put a board over my stove (removed all knobs for safety!) & put most of leichter there, only two in dining room. because stove has a hood over it & that is presumable fireproof.

(On Shavuous I put most of the candles on the back porch & only my two [& the two marrieds' four] in dining room because HOT ENOUGH!)

giselle

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 5:12 pm

lilies wrote:

You can probably turn on an electric light but ask your own Rav.

#BestBubby

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 5:58 pm

I think locking a child in a room is perfectly OK. The child knows there are adults
in the house so there is no "abandonment". It just sends a message to the child
that if you cannot obey, you will be prevented from doing something dangerous.

amother

Linen

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:03 pm

I specifically had a glass shelf attached to my wall quite high up for my candles. I'm not so tall and I have to stand on a chair to reach the shelf, but at least I know they are safe.

I know many of you are strongly against locking a child in a room, but until you are tested with such a child (and you should never know) you cannot say what you would do. You can look up 'safe rooms' or 'safe spaces'. These are specific rooms/spaces designed for children and even older where they can be safe, from both themselves and others. A child who is overstimulated can be a danger to all those around them, as wlel as themselves. It is not that easy to be so blase.
Op, I don't think it's so wrong to lock the child in their room, but I would suggest you could look at developing a behavior plan for the child, as well as possibly looking into regulation strategies to help you pre-empt key trigger moments (apologies if this is something you are already doing, or looked into)

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 6:23 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Thank you!
This isn't a current issue but has been in the past. Your post is extremely validating thank you again.