DD doesnt like younger sister

amother

Mon, Aug 24 2020, 9:40 pm

My 4.5 DD seems to have "something against" my 2.5 yr old DD. Now this does not apply all the time she does play with her and she is nice to her, but many times it seems like DD singles out her younger sister for no reason. She cant go on my bed (all other kids are). She would like to share a room with the baby 6mo old but not the 2.5yr old. when she named people she liked the 2.5 yr old was the last one mentioned and she had to think about it. Many times I will inquire and DD will answer, because she has her shoes on (solved by taking shoes off, because she cries (doesnt happen anymore) because she pees in my bed (happened once). Note 2.5yr old may have taken more than her fair share of attention with allergies, exzema, and behavioral issues, so I wonder if this is passive jealousy showing. DD is smart I wonder if she is just making excusses why she is excluding her younger sister, or if she is just really holding on to the past or things that could possible happen again. Should I encourage her to include sister when she doesnt want to (she is a bit defiant, concerned shell just rebell only because I want to push it. or just let her have her prefeences for now, and let the chips fall where they may. Is this a phase that kids grow out of?

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 24 2020, 10:25 pm

I have a similar "issue." I don't consider it an issue. It's life.
6 yo ds doesn't like 3 yo ds sometimes. But they often have a grand time playing together. They play nicely together at least half the time.
6 yo loves our baby, but has commented that he "hates" 3 yo ds. I just ignore it, and if 3 yo is in earshot I give him an extra hug.
I think our kids will grow out of this stage.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Aug 24 2020, 10:27 pm

This triggered lots of memories- I was the older sister at age 6 didn’t want a/t to do with one sister or be near her. It lasted for 15 years, maybe take ur dd to a therapist to help her feelings towards her younger sis. My sis also had behavior issues and I loathed her for it. With ur dds various excuses cld be she also has sensory issues that triggers her personal space even more. I never went to therapy maybe if I did we wld have been friends earlier - now we are.

amother

Mon, Aug 24 2020, 10:40 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

you may be on to something, could you elaborate, did you have sensory issues, what were they, what kind of behavioral issues did your sister have, do you know why you loathed her for it. did you ever decose your childhood feeling for your sister. did your parents treat you differently or overlook you sometimes

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 1:12 am

I had lots of sensory issues still have but got better over time with more awareness. Clothing had to fit just right, not a big hugger (tho depends who) I was the good kid, sis had adhd parents overlooked/ too tired to address it properly. she wld break toys throw stuff around I wld scream and call her names (I was supposedly too good to hit back) eventually her behavior got worse and fighting escalated as she got older and I resented her more for not listening to my parents. Refused to sit next to her or share a room had no problem with other siblings. We were forced to hug a few times (not a good thing to do!) I was always very intuitive and prob diagnosed her myself when I was little but was never told why she acted that way till much older- that caused even more fighting, cld barely dance with her at my wedding cuz had to hold hands. We had a few rare times where there was peace but only if my space was respected by a few feet...Now my sensory issues calmed down considerably, at recent brothers wedding still didn’t feel 100% comfortable holding her hand but I was able to handle it well- I know I wld prob benefit more from therapy. we are considered close- I’ve forgiven her pretty much for torturing me all these years, she’s worked very hard on herself and I appreciate that she was able to do that for herself.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 1:20 am

Also I was a easy kid besides for the sensory so parents didn’t need to give me much attention but I still wanted it and resented that sis needed so much attention and felt like it was wasted on her when she kept throwing it back to their faces.

Elfrida

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 7:33 am

Just to say, that sometimes siblings don't get on. Everyone dreams of children getting on well, and growing up to be best friends. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesnt. Sharing parents and genetics does not mean there will never be a personality clash.

AS a little girl I would play with my sister, but it would rarely be my first choice. As teenagers we would avoid each other or disagree. Everyone said that when we were older we would get on much better. It didn't happen, and I don't think either of us wanted it to happen. As adults we have grown away from each other, and to be honest are both much happier that way. My mother used to try to throw us together, in the hope that as adults we would start to enjoy each other's company. It never happened, and we were much happier when she stopped. Now we generally keep up with each other, and have a friendly but distant relationship.

Some people can argue that that is sad. Maybe it is, but being forced to spend time in the company of someone who you don't get on with and would never even have contemplated a friendship with if she didn't happen to be your sister, isn't much fun either.

amother

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 9:15 am

Elfrida wrote:

what do you feel the reason is you dont get on , defferent personalities, different intrest, did one of you annoy the other, was one a burden while the other had to take care of the other?

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 9:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Babyblue, this is so insightful, can you tell me what other sensory issues you had. I want to open my awareness so I can be there for her.

Don’t know specifically - if someone had body odor I wld avoid their hugs, we were forced to hug grandparents, I try to avoid one grandparent’s affection to this day. Had hard time trying new foods but was left alone with that and I wldnt be considered picky at all now. Got anxiety in new situations especially social ones and still do. I have no problem hugging my own dh although in first year wasn’t so easy to share affection with another person but worked on that a lot, love to hug my kids bh. One dc is similar to me with sensory. I left dc alone when dc only wanted to hug one sibling and not the other I wld hug that sibling in front of dc. Soon after problem was resolved on its own bh.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Aug 25 2020, 11:23 am

My 11 yo can't stand his 9 yo younger brother for as long as I can remember (they actually sound a lot like Amother Babyblue's childhood). 11 yo has ASD and avoids sensory stimulation, and likes order and rules. 9 yo has ADHD and seeks out sensory input. They are like oil and water and it shows. BH it's been getting better as they get older and sometimes they can even enjoy a game together, but mostly they've found it's better to be in separate places. I've been giving them space to figure themselves out and trying to help where I can, giving 11 yo DS a space that was just his and getting a lot of outdoor and sports equipment for 9 yo DS. It's a work in progress but I try to play to each of their strengths in different ways and let them be separate.

I also try to privately point out to each kid when the other does something nice, whether they notice or not (you know, your brother didn't take that snack because he knows it's your favorite and he wanted to save it; your brother really wanted to look through your space today but he didn't). I think they log that way somewhere and it helps them sort of see the good in the other one.