College ds feels embarrassed by something I did

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:44 am

Feeling bad that son is embarrassed, but only feeling a little bad about what I did.

YU recently put out a video on facebook about their covid 19 rules. It was a bit tongue in cheek, but I felt it was totally inappropriate on many levels, but mostly because the main character was in a skin tight dress palying an airline flight attendant going through the "covid rules" of safety on campus. I am not the most tzanuah person, but this character was wearing the tightest little dress and I was ahsamed for YU on so many different levels.

I debated about writing to the roshei yeshiva and the dean. I spoke with a professor at the school who we are friends with and he encouraged me to write how I felt. He said it is not the first time this media person has not been out of touch with the values of YU. I know my kids are in college and I should leave it be, but following his advice I wrote a letter to the dean and 3 of the roshei yeshiva expressing my disappointment- discussing the values of YU and is this the message of modesty we are sending out etc. It was an extremely respectful letter. I also mentioned how my one son warned the other son not to watch, but just listen so that they would just hear the message, but how YU put out a stumbling block for others etc.
Well the NEXT day the dean wrote back apologizing and agreeing and saying she would look into it.
I was like this is AMAZING!!!! WOW so IMPRESSED!! I forwarded her email to my son saying she is great. He wanted to know the other roshei yeshiva, I sent it to. I told him 2 of the 3 since I already knew he was upset, the 3rd knows him pretty well and I think he after hearing he was upset he would be mortified. (mind you I did not use any names and used my hebrew name in signing, although our last name is uncommon. I said what is the issue? He said by mentioning what he did is embarrassing to him and he did not like the way I wrote the letter. Now mind you, the professor who encouraged me to write said it was a good letter and obviously it got a response.

So note to self- mind my own business and if I don't- don't share what I have done so I don't embarrass my children.

I am sitting feeling sad... Thanks for letting me vent.

Editing- for those that missed further below- I did APOLOGIZE to DS

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:48 am

Be strong and proud!!!
There is nothing to be ashamed of and you taught your son a valuable lesson about standing up for real values.
That will remain with him for life. The immature embarrassment will fade.

amother

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:50 am

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Thank you!! I needed to hear that! : )

amother

Wheat

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:52 am

I think at the college level, parents should not be getting involved. Sorry. I understand your son's embarrassment. It makes him feel like a little kid with an overprotective mother.
Next time, if you feel the need to get involved, just leave your son out of it. Don't mention him at all. Don't forward any correspondence to him.

flmommy

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:53 am

You didn’t mean to embarrass him but you did. You should apologize.

amother

Jade

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:54 am

Kudos to you!
Super mom!
Be proud of yourself and the special son you raised!
Now you know that the work you put into your son had an effect on him.
Not too many boys would have that self control.

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 11:59 am

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

Why should parenting and conveying proper value systems stop at any point in life?
OP wasn't dictating what her son should or should not be be doing. She raised a moral question to those whose job it is to inculcate a massive institution with religious and secular values.
I think that this respectful act of protest is admirable and something that should be expressed to our children so that they continue to learn how a religious Jew navigates life in an open and free society.

amother

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:02 pm

flmommy wrote:

You didn’t mean to embarrass him but you did. You should apologize.

of course...did that already.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:02 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

She should not have brought her son into it at all. She can talk to him and encourage HIM to speak up. But to do it herself and bring him into it, without asking him first is not appropriate at this stage.

amother

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:03 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Thank you..
Fyi my sons were mortified as well about the video.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:06 pm

I went to YU for my masters so I was on campus with the boys. Im not shocked that they would put out a video like this. Other posters are right, you should not have involved your son. I think you did the right thing but I dont think you should get your hopes up that anything will change. Half the professors in the school were not dressed tzniusdig so why would this letter make a difference if they're normal to this mode of dress?

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:06 pm

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

To open my mind and help me understand, why do you feel that way?
From my perspective, as parents, there are many acts that we do and should do quietly and then there are value system related matters that are important to pass on to our children and future generations. Passive behavior in those areas typically do not yield long term results.

Simple1

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:09 pm

You did the right thing. Maybe for next time, you don't have to let your son know what you did. Wheat amother, on one hand your right, but this is not about her son. Especially if she's paying, then in think she can speak up.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:10 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

Because if the parents always go ahead and try to do everything on behalf of their kids instead of training them to learn how to advocate on their own, they will actually end up with adult children who are passive and have never learnt to do anything on their own. Helicopter parenting.
Actually op's son's reaction is a normal healthy response for a kid who is beginning to transcend to adulthood. He should be embarrassed that his mom is trying to fight his battles FOR him. He seems on the road to be ready to start doing things for himself.

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:13 pm

Just want to add that the video is filmed with an airline safety and stewardess theme that they were clearly trying to use. Don't think it was ill intended but also IMHU not something that should have been disseminated as an official university guideline video.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:13 pm

Simple1 wrote:

She brought her son into it, and that was not appropriate. His mortification is completely normal and understandable.

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:16 pm

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

Hear your point but think that OP had a twofold agenda here.
1. Her personal displeasure and surprise that YU would release this.
2. Teaching her son appropriate Jewish moral values.

If I'm correct, would you still say the same thing?

amother

Wine

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:16 pm

You are paying tuition right? Good for you!

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:18 pm

Wheat, let's not forget that YU prides itself as the beacon for MO Jewish life as a whole. Not just a school of higher education.
OP's personal feelings are therefore correct to be conveyed directly to the school and that would be separate from her son's thoughts and voice.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Sep 06 2020, 12:21 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

I'm not stupid. I understand the dilemma. I still stand by my words.
He's not a little kid anymore. She's had time to teach those values, now they are at the stage where it's time for her step back and encourage him to stand up for things that affect him personally in his personal life.
Would you stand by your words a couple years from now if he is working at a Jewish workplace and a similar advertisement or video is put out? I would hope you would understand why that would be COMPLETELY inappropriate for parents to get involved at all.

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