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Is it a sin to never marry or have kids?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:31 pm
I could have led a perfectly happy life never marrying or having kids. Why do so many of us burden ourselves so young when we don't need to - or do we need to according to halacha?
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:33 pm
I think I learned that strictly speaking, a woman has no obligation to marry or have children.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:41 pm
Burden ourselves? I wouldnt have been happy without getting married or having kids
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:47 pm
I also heard that only a man is obligated to marry and have kids.

But a woman earns olam habah and a share in Torah through her husband, children and
children-in-law.

The purpose of life is not just pursuit of pleasure but doing Hashem's Will.

Aside from that, my happiness comes from my children and grandchildren.

So sorry for those who are never-married and/or infertility.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:51 pm
I'm sorry that you had a bad experience, but I'd like to think that most of us got married because we wanted to.
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STMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:58 pm
My relative is over 40 and unmarried/no kids after over 15 years of hundreds of first dates, relationships where the other party ended it, and spells where no one was setting them up, so now they've given up and will remain single unless someone almost literally falls on them because they refuse to be set up anymore.
And is perfectly normal.
And had a verrrry open mind about who they'd be willing to date.
Sinner? Nope, don't think so.
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amother




Blush
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 3:58 pm
Men have an obligation to get married and have kids. Women don't.
That said, how do you know you'd of had a perfect life being single forever? You can't know that.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 4:07 pm
STMommy wrote:
My relative is over 40 and unmarried/no kids after over 15 years of hundreds of first dates, relationships where the other party ended it, and spells where no one was setting them up, so now they've given up and will remain single unless someone almost literally falls on them because they refuse to be set up anymore.
And is perfectly normal.
And had a verrrry open mind about who they'd be willing to date.
Sinner? Nope, don't think so.


I'm not talking about someone who tried to get married and sadly couldn't find anyone. I refer to a woman or man who knows they arent marriage material. They have friends, family, hobbies, career, and an overall great life. They want to live it on their terms and not tie themselves to someone else. I guess I mean being single as a lifestyle choice, not because you have no choice.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 4:50 pm
amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:
Burden ourselves? I wouldnt have been happy without getting married or having kids

OP did not ask how you feel or whether marriage suites you. I'm glad you are happy and it works for you, but that is not her question.

I don't think that a woman has a halachik obligation to marry and have kids (although marrying and preventing your husband from having kids might be an issue). I think those who do not want to get married and don't feel suited to marriage are better off choosing to be single rather that trying to conform to society and being miserable.

My best friend is single by choice. She is awesome. She is the most honest, yashar, hardworking, frum lichatchila, mindful, conscientious person that I know. She is a dedicated daughter, granddaughter, aunt, friend, and employee.
Her choice may not be traditional, but the world 100% needs more people like her.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 5:18 pm
To answer the question in the OP as to why so young... Bc that it what we are socialize to do.

Why do we do anything really... Bc it's what society expects us to do.

Maybe if you weren't considered an old maid at 22 and had time to figure yourself out things would feel different.

And OP you also asked about people who are single by choice bc they aren't marriage material and they know that...whatever that means to them... Are you suggesting that they are sinning by not pushing their unmarriageable self onto an unsuspecting spouse?
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 5:28 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I also heard that only a man is obligated to marry and have kids.

But a woman earns olam habah and a share in Torah through her husband, children and
children-in-law.


The purpose of life is not just pursuit of pleasure but doing Hashem's Will.

Aside from that, my happiness comes from my children and grandchildren.

So sorry for those who are never-married and/or infertility.

So not only is one essentially forced to get married, but our entire existence is just secondary to the men?
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amother




Ecru
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 5:59 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
So not only is one essentially forced to get married, but our entire existence is just secondary to the men?


Please don’t frame it this way. I feel honored to be the mother of my household and raise children that desire to learn Torah together with my husband that does too. A lot of us feel super special being in this position. I don’t feel secondary to men in the slightest.
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Raw




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Sep 11 2020, 6:03 pm
It sounds harsh to call it a sin. I’m no rabbi but I’d imagine by choosing to stay single there are many mitzvot you don’t have the opportunity to perform though.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 12:50 pm
Raw wrote:
It sounds harsh to call it a sin. I’m no rabbi but I’d imagine by choosing to stay single there are many mitzvot you don’t have the opportunity to perform though.


It's improper to lose an oppurtunity to do a mitzvah. So at the very least many rabbanim consider not marrying less than ideal at the very least.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 2:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I could have led a perfectly happy life never marrying or having kids. Why do so many of us burden ourselves so young when we don't need to - or do we need to according to halacha?

No, women have no obligation to have children, because a birth is considered sakanat nefashot, and nobody can be forced to risk her life.

For men,it is an obligation.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 2:56 pm
LovesHashem wrote:
It's improper to lose an oppurtunity to do a mitzvah. So at the very least many rabbanim consider not marrying less than ideal at the very least.

I don't think that this is what halacha says...

Not marrying is not considered ideal because "lo tov heyot adam levado", it's not good for a human to be alone, from the perspective of his quality off life...

But there is no chiuv to marry and no mitzva of pru u rvu for women, just for men...
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 3:33 pm
LovesHashem wrote:
It's improper to lose an oppurtunity to do a mitzvah. So at the very least many rabbanim consider not marrying less than ideal at the very least.
BUt there is not a single jew out there that could perform every single one of our 613 mitzvot.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 3:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I could have led a perfectly happy life never marrying or having kids. Why do so many of us burden ourselves so young when we don't need to - or do we need to according to halacha?
Personally I think that in the charedi world, where getting married young is seen as THE correct thing to do, and what everyone does, its just how your society is.
But not all frum women get married young. And most, Im going to assume, do not find it a burden.
But that being said, there is no halacha that says a woman has to marry or have children. Those are mitzvot that men have to keep.
But I would assume that if a woman finds her solitary life fulfilling, then yes, why bother?

But OP, if you feel like it is a burden, why did you get married? Sad
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 4:04 pm
I choose not to have children yet and I'm married over a year. Yet I feel that when I'm in a frum communties people are looking at my tummy or be like ''iyh soon by you too'' bla bla bla... I hate that becasue they don't know why I'm choosing this. It has all to do with being settled, getting to know myself better and everything and lots of privates things (which I already revealed on this website so just look for that). I think for some couples and individuals is good to 'wait' or maybe not to do it. I know woman in the secular world who just don't want to have children. And I think that is ok becasue if they were forced to have, they don't want to be good mothers. And that is my philosophy... I will be a good mother on the day I look in the mirror and be like: '' I'm a wonderful person, I achieve things, I'm valuable and the fact that I'm autistic it's just a thing I've learned to live with'' then my children have a healthy mom because '' Even a Ted Bundy is better then a me as a filthy psycho autist and I'm bad and I need to be punished because of my weird behaviour'' my child if they can't do math well or so will be like ''I'm a gross child I can't even do maths'' and that is how I choose to make my life.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post  Sat, Sep 12 2020, 6:41 pm
Chickensoupprof wrote:
I choose not to have children yet and I'm married over a year. Yet I feel that when I'm in a frum communties people are looking at my tummy or be like ''iyh soon by you too'' bla bla bla... I hate that becasue they don't know why I'm choosing this. It has all to do with being settled, getting to know myself better and everything and lots of privates things (which I already revealed on this website so just look for that). I think for some couples and individuals is good to 'wait' or maybe not to do it. I know woman in the secular world who just don't want to have children. And I think that is ok becasue if they were forced to have, they don't want to be good mothers. And that is my philosophy... I will be a good mother on the day I look in the mirror and be like: '' I'm a wonderful person, I achieve things, I'm valuable and the fact that I'm autistic it's just a thing I've learned to live with'' then my children have a healthy mom because '' Even a Ted Bundy is better then a me as a filthy psycho autist and I'm bad and I need to be punished because of my weird behaviour'' my child if they can't do math well or so will be like ''I'm a gross child I can't even do maths'' and that is how I choose to make my life.


This! I’m married almost 3 years with no kids (was on bc for medical reasons for most of first year) and I’m more than happy to wait a while longer, but every time I go out in public with a slightly less-than-fitted top, I get obvious stares at my stomach, I can literally see them trying to work out if I’m pregnant or not.

What is it about our society (at least the one I grew up in) that we’re so desperate to marry young girls off and see them have kids so early?
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