I do not forgive you

amother

Linen

Mon, Sep 14 2020, 9:26 pm

OP I understand your pain and not wanting to forgive. I hope that loosing your job means H-ashem is sending you a better job in the new year.

I always forgave everyone at this time of year until someone did something to me. But they did it in such away that I have no idea who it is. They sent messengers to me to tell me that I must do something or else they will report me.
I am also angry at everyone who protected this person identity and wont tell me who it is.
It happened on Rosh Hashana many years ago and I still cant go to shul and feel comfortable. I keep looking around and wondering who amongst my so called friends would be such a coward as to not talk to me directly and go talk lashon harah about me.
It still hurts.

lilies

Mon, Sep 14 2020, 9:35 pm

amother [ Wheat ] wrote:

andrea your post was nice and all and I agreed with everything except one thing . you said it took her sister dying for you to realize that you are over her.. but I dont agree. I think in a small way you got your "revenge" something terrible happened to her so now you felt better and could move on.

My sister did something horrible to me and every day I wait and wish for something terrible to happen to her even though I know thats wrong of me but in my head I wont be able to move on until she is suffering the same way she made me suffer.

Do you really want that though?
Sometimes we just want the validation of the pain and true remorse from the person who caused it. You can wait and wish for that, instead of the actual suffering.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Sep 14 2020, 9:35 pm

I hear you.
How do I forgive my verbally and emotionally abusive husband? He won't ever stop. He'll "shape up" Yom Kippur...and then be right back at it as soon as he's eating again. (Yes, this actually has happened....within minutes.)
I'm supposed to do all this "forgiving" and let stuff go. But how? He gets more and more cruel and vicious each year. (No, I can't leave...I will never see my children again...him and his rich parents will make sure of that.)
So how do I forgive all the hurt and sadness and absolutely horrible things he has done?
I don't know....this past year he was so much worse than ever before. Crying

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:11 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

You do NOT have to forgive someone who is CURRENTLY abusing you.

I hope Hashem will send you a Yeshua!

amother

Violet

Mon, Sep 14 2020, 10:19 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Oy. I had exactly this for many years before my divorce. Please know that Hashem doesn't expect you to forgive him. All you need to do, and that's your biggest mitzvah right now is to take good care of YOURSELF.

mirror

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 1:04 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

I'm sure there are people advising you. I want to tell you anyway, first of all, go on BC and don't even think of going off. Second of all, when your kids are teenagers, they get to choose which parent they want to live with. No matter how rich your dh is, as far as I know, once they are teenagers the judge will ask them what they want. Also, start funneling money into a secret bank account for yourself so when the time comes you can get an attorney. You are not locked into this marriage forever, just until your youngest is 10 or 11 (speak to an attorney regarding exact age).

Regarding intimacy, I'm sure you've been told but I will tell you anyway that if your dh was abusive to you then you don't have to be intimate with him. In fact, it's assur to be intimate when you're angry.

Regarding his explosive temper, when he gets angry you should say to him, "Why are you getting angry? What can I do to help you?" Do this every five minutes if you have to. Fine, make it every three minutes. If he says that "It's because you're a horrible wife" then repeat, "What exactly is getting you upset and what can I do to help?" The goal is to get him to verbalize what is bothering him. You will probably spend more time disciplining your dh than you do your own kids. To quote the many women on this site, "Rinse. Lather. Repeat."

lilies

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 9:19 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Who told you that?
Abuse is a world unto itself. Nothing you've learned in school, seminary, or any inspirational books or shiurim applies.

amother

Gold

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:31 am

lilies wrote:

Who told you that?
Abuse is a world unto itself. Nothing you've learned in school, seminary, or any inspirational books or shiurim applies.

I'm in a similar situation. But deep down I know that he is not capable of acting normally. When he gets angry and verbally attacks me I tell myself that he is has no control over himself. Nothing that he is saying is true. That helps me to just disregard everything he says. It also gets him upset when he sees I pay no attention to his insults. I can also even feel bad for him that it's so hard for him to act like a decent human being.

Eta: I just reread what I wrote and I see that I made it sound very simple. It's actually not always as easy as I made it sound. It doesn't always work my self talk. Lots of times I feel helpless and depressed because of the way he treats me, but when it works it helps.

amother

Honeydew

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:34 am

Believe in forgiving.

Does not mean forgetting.

Does not mean protecting yourself and your children.

Does not mean not setting healthy boundaries.

Does not mean tolerating the intolerable.

One can forgive "an abuser" while cutting the relationship or resetting the boundaries depending upon the relationship.

Hugs and hatzlocha!

If someone is in such a situation PLEASE speak to a rov/mentor who understands these concepts of forgiveness and how relates to abusive relationships!!!

lilies

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:23 am

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

That's great!
The lower the expectation, the less the hurt.
I hope you're keeping yourself protected and in constant contact with a professional.

Hugs!