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Do husbands usually side with their mother or their wife?
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gold21




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:26 am
1. I don't take "sides" against my mother in law.
2. If I have a complaint about my mother in law, my husband agrees with me. I'm a very practical person and don't complain about petty things. If I have a complaint, it's probably valid.
3. If my husband has a complaint about my mother, I agree with him. He's a very undemanding person and doesn't complain about petty things. If he has a complaint, it's probably valid.
4. Neither of us are super enmeshed with our parents, so I guess it may depend on the exact relationship a person has with their parents.
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amother




Seashell
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:51 am
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
Families are a sensitive subject. It’s usually best not to make jokes or complain unless it’s something major.


Correct! I love when we joke about my siblings because stereotypes are hysterical and it shows that he knows my family well.

Complaints are really hard for me, if I'm hungry because I'm at his familys house or worn out from all their talking and unsolicited advice. I haven't yet figured out how to convey my needs without offending his family. I'm new at this what can I say?
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:00 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
Nature and nurture only goes so far when there are 2 parents in the picture who are not clones of each other, extended family, friends, rebbeim, summer camp, dorming situations, etc. etc etc.
I can't argue with what you see, but it doesn't match up with people in my life.

Maybe it's a chassidish thing? Wink LOL Hiding
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:08 am
I would think length of marriage will also have a large part to play. Someone who has just gotten married is still part of the parent home, they still work with how their family works and thinks etc. Someone who has been married a long time will have made their own thoughts on how things work etc.
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Reality




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:13 am
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
I'm so happy we are separated by the ocean. On the surface my husband tends to stick up for mother. But I understand and I'd like to think he's really just trying to explain her behavior in order to soothe me while struggling to properly validate. I'm extremely close with my mother and can barely tolerate any criticism I don't know how I can expect any different from him.

I also try to avoid sharing complaints in the first place but I haven't been very successful with that yet. I'm used to sharing everything with him but I know it hurts so I for sure avoid making jokes about his family because they can easily be taken the wrong way. We constantly joke about my family but I don't mind that at all.


Your husband is lucky that you are so nice. That double standard would never fly in my house. It would bother me tremendously that I have to tippy toe around his family but he's allowed to make jokes at my family's expense. I personally think that is an unhealthy dynamic.

In my marriage, we both are very aware of our parents strengths and failings. If either one of us comments on it, we are both fine with it. I will say that his parents shortcomings come up more often because they meddle in our lives way more than my parents. And it bothers my husband just as much as me.
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amother




Mauve
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:37 am
Reality wrote:
In my marriage, we both are very aware of our parents strengths and failings. If either one of us comments on it, we are both fine with it. I will say that his parents shortcomings come up more often because they meddle in our lives way more than my parents. And it bothers my husband just as much as me.



Same.

I would say my parents probably have more flaws an outsider could see where as my DH parents look like they have worked in themselves more.

But as his parents meddle more in our lives, it just makes sense to comment on them much more.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:46 am
Reality wrote:
Your husband is lucky that you are so nice. That double standard would never fly in my house. It would bother me tremendously that I have to tippy toe around his family but he's allowed to make jokes at my family's expense. I personally think that is an unhealthy dynamic.

In my marriage, we both are very aware of our parents strengths and failings. If either one of us comments on it, we are both fine with it. I will say that his parents shortcomings come up more often because they meddle in our lives way more than my parents. And it bothers my husband just as much as me.

You are making the poster feel like something is wrong in her marriage. A shame.
Because I think there isn't. She is smart enough to see that she would NOT stand for double standards.
Or maybe you just didn't understand what she wrote.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 9:49 am
pause wrote:
Maybe it's a chassidish thing? Wink LOL Hiding

I would say Hungarian, maybe?
Are all chassidus so 'homogeneous (for lack of better word)?
I'm a 1.5 generation chassidish (that means parents who became chassidish, lol) so I grew up in a chassidish culture, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing finer nuances.
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amother




Indigo
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 10:12 am
How long are you married, OP?

I don't disagree with MIL very often (BH she keeps her opinions on my parenting, whatever they may be, to herself) but when I do DH stays out of it. It's my relationship with her. I'd say it's time for DH to intervene if a MIL is having trouble accepting her DILs boundaries, or if there's a problem with something you decided as a family, then it's DHs responsibility. But neither of things are "siding with" his wife IMO.

There are small behaviors that his mom does and small ones that my mom does that we've quietly agreed annoy us both, but for the most part we don't complain about or criticize family. We do sometimes use I feel language to express something about the other person's behavior around their family that makes us feel bad ("When you let your mom do x even though that's against the rules, it makes me frustrated" etc).
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Reality




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 17 2020, 10:43 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
You are making the poster feel like something is wrong in her marriage. A shame.
Because I think there isn't. She is smart enough to see that she would NOT stand for double standards.
Or maybe you just didn't understand what she wrote.


Please clarify for me. I understood as follows:

Wife knows that making jokes about husband's family is a sore point so she refrains.

Husband makes jokes about wife's family even though he knows he doesn't appreciate it about his own family. Wife has a thicker skin and is ok with it.

Why is her husband's actions ok? When I don't like something done to me I don't do that same thing to others.

I have witnessed this dynamic in real life and it isn't pretty.

The wife should put her foot down. No jokes about anyone's family.
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