How badly are children affected in an amicable divorce?

amother

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:44 pm

I'm reposting something I asked on an earlier thread. Hope I get some responses.

I'm also a mom in the process of contemplating divorce. There is no abuse or the like in my marriage but there are some other serious mental health issues that make staying married excruciating. For those of you with personal experience, I want to understand why divorce messes up kids. I'm talking in the case of an amicable divorce, where both parents are committed to the well-being of the children and where kids will be encouraged to keep up a loving involved relationship with both parents

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:53 pm

Divorce is always traumatic to the children. I know that hurts and I do not say it to cause you pain, but it is important to acknowledge that the world as they know it will completely change & depending how young they are, they may really have no understanding for why it had to change. I am a child of the most amicable divorce you could ever imagine, it has still impacted my life in a number of ways for the long term. Stigma (yes it still exists), family dynamics, separation, etc. Divorce always has an impact on everybody touched by it, even when amicable.

That being said, I am a fully functional adult, my siblings are too. We weren't destroyed by the divorce, but definitely deeply impacted.

I hope this helps somehow.

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:12 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

What ruins kids is living in a dysfunctional environment. There are divorced homes that are dysfunctional. There are homes with 2 parents that are dysfunctional.

You are also right. There is more than one path to dysfunction. Divorced homes can be dysfunctional & married homes can be dysfunctional. OP asked a very specific question about amicable divorce & whether that mitigates the damage to the children & the answer can be maybe, to a certain extent, but all divorce absolutley impacts the children. Messy divorces are for sure more traumatic for everyone involved.

There is a reason divorce is listed as one of the adverse childhood experiences in ACE assessment in determining trauma in children.

ETA after rereading your post, I realize we're are saying essentially the same thing, sorry about that!

thunderstorm

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:35 pm

I’m reposting my reply on the other thread:
My parents had an amicable divorce. But we were shocked when they told us they were going to divorce. It was the day our lives literally turned upside down. The kids all developed behavioral issues and acted out. My mother started working and going to school so that she could support herself. That left me with all my siblings needs on my shoulders and I was a very young girl. My older brother took on the father role. My father has mental issues but as young kids we didn’t know that. Instead his moods were often not good and we suffered when we had visitation with him because there was no other adult to take us away from him or protect us from his instability.
My mother was extremely overwhelmed with work , school and dealing with kids acting out all the time and she was not coping well. This caused the house to be even more chaotic and the responsibilities fell more on the older kids while we took care to protect our little siblings.
Then there were the schools who had zero tolerance for their behavior and often used them as scapegoats even when they were not the culprits in certain scenarios because they knew they could.
There was terrible shame and constant anxiety on my part . I tried as hard as I could to hide the fact that my parents got divorced because I did not want to be pitied. This caused me major worry and constant anxiety and I got sick often . At a certain point I had to stay home sick myself because my mother had no choice but to work. Sometimes a kind neighbor took care of me. But I felt very neglected . I needed more love and care than ever to make me feel that things were ok and stable and instead we got less and less because my mother could not be in so many places at once.
Often we felt unwanted by both parents. My father always took us home to my mother the second Shabbos was over at the first zman. When we got home , my mother would be upset that we got home “so early” that Shabbos was just over.
It was like that on Fridays too. My mother rushing us to go to my father and my father getting upset that we showed up so early.
It may be different if the father is stable and loving . My father never empathized with us and in all honesty we were very intimidated by him. The anxiety mounted every time we had to go to him. We also had to sleep on couches since he didn’t have space for enough beds. All these little things, made us feel unsettled , so to speak.
Now as an almost 40 yr old adult I finally understand why my parents got divorced. I blame my father for it. I understand why my mother had to do it though.

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:46 pm

I'm close with a child of an amicable divorce where there was no abuse only strong differences in personality and hashkafa. She's an amazing mom with lots of kids. I would never say it effected her emotionally at all.

That being said, her oldest sibling walked around all her life since the divorce (age 12) feeling that the divorce happened only because of her. The guilt was too much and she had a nervous breakdown when she was under stress of having a few young children. She is still on meds all the years.

This was many years ago. Today with therapy and all, I don't think this would happen to the oldest sibling.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:40 pm

My parents had an amicable divorce. I'm affected much more by the last couple of years of their marriage (when there was constant yelling at each other, name calling, everything was a fight) than from when they actually split and suddenly there was peace on earth. So you can say oh, look, she's traumatized and her parents are divorced, so it must be the divorce, but no, it was the rocky marriage that traumatized me. Divorce was a relief. They stayed friendly and Co parented very well. Yeah, it was a bit annoying shuffling between two houses, but it became my new normal and both places were comfortable and that was that. They came together when it was important, so I never needed two birthdays or anything like that. I will say, I sometimes get a twinge of sadness as an adult when I see friends celebrating their parents' milestone anniversaries and I never will. At this point, I'm now married longer than my parents were married. But I wouldn't call it trauma, more just a bit of sadness over what could have been but wasn't.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:55 pm

I was in a terrible, possibly even abusive marriage. Somehow it did turn around and I am so grateful not because we are madly in love or anything, but because my children would never be living the happy lives they are living had we gotten divorced. So just make sure it is truly a last last resort. Most children will be greatly affected. But sometimes there just isn’t another option. Had my husband not changed, I don’t think I could have stayed. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking they will be ok. Sorry, just saying it how it is.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:08 pm

I am a child of an amicable divorce NEVER heared a bad word from my mother about my father or vice versa, eventhough itw as always obvious that there were tremendous differences in character.
I am 100% positive that their divorce was extremely beneficial for me.
Both parents remarried treated each other with respect...
I teach and know many children from divorced familes. All sorts of things can cause trauma and negative emotional effects: living with parents that dont get along is one of the. obviously living in a dysfunctional home. having parents that go through an 'ugly' divorce... I never met a child that was seriously traumatised by a really amicable divorce, where parents assured the chidlren that they are always unconditionally loved, cared for by BOTH parents no matter what etc. BUT I also must admit that these cases (albeit they DO exist) are very rare. Adjusting to a new home/lifestyle is ALWAYS a challenge but not necessarily traumatising.

#BestBubby

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:28 pm

From what I have heard children are effected by:

1. Stigma - there is shame in being from a "broken home". Kids might worry will impact their shidduchim. This varies by community.

2. Loss of Father in the home - this effects boys more. Need father to learn with, father to go to
shul with. Family misses father to make kiddush/havdulah, lead the seder, light menorah, build the sukkah, dance hakkofos with, etc.

3. Stress of living in two homes - would you like it if you had to leave home twice a month?

4. Feeling unwanted - especially if parents remarry, children from the first marriage feel like
a burden and a reminder of a failed marriage.

OP, if there is any chance of making the marriage bearable, please try that first!

amother

Purple

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:22 pm

I cry for the little boy DH was in a divorced home. He's absolutely fine today and a wonderful human being, husband and father, but when you grow up without a father at home, you can grow up too fast and lose parts of your childhood.
He doesn't seem sad when he shares stories which show me the absence of a father, but I am sad for the things he didn't have.
Maybe your DH will be more involved, but some guys drop a lot of responsibility when given the option.
Even if they may live around the corner (as DH's father did).

amother

Pewter

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:14 am

It really restores one’s faith in humanity when parents are able to put aside their differences for the sake of the kids’ wellbeing.
That being said, it is even more beautiful when parents can figure out how to make their marriage work - for their own as well as their children’s benefit.
Obviously the best thing you can do for your kids ( and I don’t know if this is an option for you OP) is to give them a stable home with both biological parents.
You get a big hug for thinking of your children even when you are going through a hard time!

amother

Green

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:26 am

My husband’s parents are divorced (it was relatively amicable) and I honestly think it makes him into a better husband. He is so determined to have a successful marriage, because he knows what it looks like not to. I know that this wasn’t part of the question, but a side benefit that I wasn’t expecting is that my mother in law is so attuned to how my husband treats me (bc she knows firsthand how it feels not to be treated nicely by your spouse)- we once ate by her house when we were in a fight and ignoring each other and later she told him that he has to treat me better and he can’t take me for granted...she reminded him of how in love he was with me when we were engaged and first married etc.
*ETA- I’m not advocating for divorce, but I just wrote this response to show you that if this does end up becoming your reality, it is not necessarily doomsday for your children Smile

amother

Rose

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:41 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Are you my SIL? Very Happy

(You can't be, my parents divorce was horrible)

I agree that there are many benefits to being a child of divorce. My siblings and I cherish and value marriage very much.
I think an amicable divorce can be really great for kids. Peaceful home, no arguing, 2 parents who co parent well.

My parents did not have an amicable divorce and I still feel that it was way way better for me. If it would have been slightly more amicable, that would have been great, but the things that made him a bad husband also made him a terrible father. He took all his hatred of my mother out on us children.

Rappel

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 1:26 am

DH comes from a healthy divorced household. His parents lived a mile from each other all his life, they shared responsibilities, times, finances when it came to him. They are cordial to each other.

The one thing that I think was really tough for him: his mom would badmouth his dad a lot. She subtly tried to get him taken away from his dad when he was little. Today, their relationship is very strained because of it.

His dad never said a bad word about his mom, he praised her, he took on the tough stuff financially, time-wise, etc. Today, they're very close, because DH admires his dad's uprightness, and feels his unconditional love.