Feel less than because I don't own a home

amother

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:25 am

I'm hitting my 40s
My oldest is in shiduchim
and we never bought a house

We're in debt
[carrying over for years already - like $80,000]
though we didn't create new
we can't seem to earn enough to pay it off

I married a man who is very laid back; not an initiator;
a real #9 on enneagram

and every so often
I get this really bad feeling about this not owning a house
besides that we were already thrown out from one apartment

Can't share this IRL so I'm turning to Imamother to share

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:32 am

Don't feel bad.
I recently read an article about people accomplishing great things after 40.
https://www.boredpanda.com/lif.....shed/

yes some people manage to have it all together at 25 others take longer.

I know some people who own houses but are so deep in dept they can barely keep afloat.
Having a house is not everything. It's not a measurement you should compare yourself to.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:41 am

I don’t have debt. I’m nearing 40 going to start shidduchim. I’m not desperate to buy a house my friends are in huge debt from it. It’s not affordable where I live. A lot that bought are having issues cause it’s old houses. I’m perfectly happy. When hashem wants me to buy a house he will give me the money and send me a message. It’s not a mitzva to go house poor.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:41 am

The best way to make yourself feel hungry, is to stare at someone else's plate. Hashem makes sure you have everything you need, but not always everything you want. Hashem doesn't want you to have a house right now, and some day you may look back and realize that you were saved from a difficult decision that could be a financial disaster. You may also need to move, but you don't see it in your future right now. Hashem does!

If you take out a mortgage and the market crashes, you could lose up to half the home's value overnight. BTDT. Sad

Unless you manage to stay there and can still make those high payments, you could be in big trouble.

Homes can be money pits. There are always hidden things that need to be fixed, and things that cannot be predicted even with the best inspections money can buy. Home owning seems like the "grown up" thing to do, but sometimes renting is actually the wiser choice.

Right now you are being responsible. Work on your debt. When that is paid down, work on your credit report. Eventually you will be able to have good enough credit to buy a house, but you'll also have to have enough savings for a down payment, and you'll need to be able to show enough income that you can easily make monthly payments even in times of emergency.

Banks can be REALLY quick to take back homes if you are even a few months behind in rent. If your home is foreclosed on, it will take you 7 years or more to restore your credit again, so you absolutely have to be 100% sure you are ready.

I lost my last home to foreclosure in a down market, and it was heartbreaking.

avrahamama

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:45 am

I sometimes feel the same.

I console myself by tapping into how HKBH must feel. He had a home. And now he is also waiting to rebuild and move the kids back in. For some reason I feel like right now H made it like this for me so that I can yearn for his home a little more.

Anyway. I do want to own a home also. But I don't feel like I'm behind schedule. As I see that everyone has a different schedule. I'm just a late bloomer

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 6:07 am

I’ll be 65 next birthday. Never lived in house, never owned a house, probably never will. Managed to marry off all my kids to nice people whose parents own houses—small plain ones in ordinary neighborhoods, not big fancy ones in upscale neighborhoods —anyway.

Owning a house is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t make you a good or admirable person any more than owning a horse or a donkey does.

ora_43

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 6:46 am

Owning a home isn't much of an accomplishment.

For one thing, many (most?) people didn't accomplish it alone - they had help.

But beyond that, it's not necessarily any better financially than renting.

I'm all for buying a home for people who want that, and I hope it happens for you if it's something you want. But it's not really a sign of financial success, so much as one way of choosing to do things. Choosing to rent is equally valid, and also has upsides.

(I know you might feel like buying wasn't even an option, but like, renting a one-room apartment and saving the money to buy a house in Alaska was an option. Point is, renting allows you to live where you want, when you want - or at least to stretch your money further when it comes to living where you want.)

And it sounds like you've managed to support your family, with at least 2 kids, without going further into debt. Which is not at all a small thing.

amother

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 8:12 am

It's like people around me size me up or comment something to us a a couple
insinuating what seems to me like
couldn't the two of you managed to buy something of your own?
or the pitying stare:
'you're still renting'?
or when we were thrown out cuz the place we lived was sold
'so where did you buy' pause. 'you rented....again?'

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 8:28 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I just wanted to point out that the OP did not write owning a HOUSE, she said a HOME. That could also be an apartment. I thought her ikar was the OWNING, not what it was.

Well, I’m a renter bas renters and sister and aunt of renters. Yet we all give a lot of money to tzedaka. None of us feels inferior because we rent.

I understand the desire to own. It’s an investment. But it has zero shaychis to your worth as a person. OP doesn’t seem to be saying she feels insecure because she rents. She said she feels less than. That’s not financespeak, that’s self-esteemspeak.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 8:32 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

I think you misunderstood my point. I wasnt saying that owning is important. Its not. I was saying that people answering were saying owning a house. I was trying to show that the OP was talking about owning a home, not specifying a house.

zaq

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 9:23 am

OP, you need different friends. The ones you have are rude and condescending.
I would also suggest composing some comeback lines.
“We don’t plan to buy till we’re sure we found the place we want to stay.”
“We’re not buying anything as long as Trump is president. We want to be able to leave the country quickly and not leave property behind or sell at a loss.”
“We don’t believe in buying in chutz laaretz. A Jew should never feel that he’s grown roots outside of EY.”

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 7:35 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I just wanted to point out that the OP did not write owning a HOUSE, she said a HOME. That could also be an apartment. I thought her ikar was the OWNING, not what it was.

Ah I see what you’re saying. I use “house” to mean “the place where I live” not “a single-family freestanding residence.” As in Hebrew where “bayit” means both house and home. I don’t own my apartment and my parents didn’t own theirs. I come from a place where most people live in rented apartments.

Which makes things easier when people die. The heirs don’t have to fix up and sell their parental home. They just have to dispose of its contents.