How do you raise happy frum children?

amother

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:13 pm

Question in title: how do you raise happy frum children? How do you raise children who are confident in their Yiddishkeit, who don’t feel oppressed by or anxious about being frum?

If your children do feel oppressed by or anxious about their frumkeit, is there anything you think you would have done differently looking back?

I don’t have children yet, and I want to try to learn as much as I can before I do. I wasn’t raised very frum and want to make sure I learn from as many mothers as I can. Thank you all!

Edit: Or if you yourself were anxious as a child about your frumkeit, what do you wish your parents had done differently? If you were confident and happy about your frumkeit, what do you think they did well?

Cpg

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:24 pm

I Looooove Rabbi Kelemen's book (To Kindle a Soul) and I think he addresses a lot of your questions. If you can't get ahold of it, there is also a lecture series that he did that basically gives you the ideas in the book :

https://www.simpletoremember.c.....emen/

It's under "Parenting: To Kindle a Soul"

We listened to it together while I was expecting our first and it was such a great decision, it has really helped me.

Success10

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:24 pm

Your main issue seems to be children who have anxiety related to religion. I can tell you that is usually an offshoot of general anxiety and not necessarily related to the way frumkeit was presented to them. They need to be raised in a secure and loving environment, which is not easy, but it's mainly about you as parents and how healthy you are, and how you give over love to your children.

amother

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:42 pm

Success10 wrote:

Thank you everyone for your responses.

And as for what I’m concerned about, I think the iker of it is that I don’t want my children to resent being frum. That’s what I want to avoid. I want them to be happy and confident being frum and not resent it or feel oppressed by it.

Success10

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you feel there is what to be resentful of? Certainly you changed your life around dramatically and things that come naturally to many FFBs will maybe be extra difficult for you. But if your kids are living a lifestyle at home that is consistent with what they see in school and at their friend's houses (you don't try to be "extra" frum), then they have no reason to feel oppressed. Unless you feel oppressed, which they would probably pick up on. Just something to introspect on.

shmosmom

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think as long as home and school are on similar pages it makes life a lot easier. Also, focus on the joys of Shabbos & Yom Tov etc vs focusing on what you can't do.
Don't make them keep extra chumros, when they're old enough they can decide if they'd like to continue family traditions or find their own paths.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Question in title: how do you raise happy frum children? How do you raise children who are confident in their Yiddishkeit, who don’t feel oppressed by or anxious about being frum?

Lead by example and dont force it.
A child who sees yiddishkeit in the home and sees it as a positive thing that is happening will have no reason to have negative feelings about yiddishkeit.

Also, dont make issues where there dont have to be any. People do have to find their own way in life.

amother

Indigo

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 3:58 pm

Growing up I felt that things were forced on me at home and at school. I never fight with my kids about religion (for that matter, I try not to fight about anything). We lead by example and send our kids to frum schools. If my children choose to take a different derech it will be of their own choosing, but all we can do is show them how we choose to live. It is also important to see each child as an individual and tailor to their needs (חנוך לנער על פי דרכו). Both mine and my husband’s parents really tried to force their children into tiny boxes. We hopefully learned from their mistakes. It’s unfathomable to us to force a child to go to a certain school. And most importantly, create a happy home where your children want to be. Laugh a lot. Build positive close relationships with your children. Focus on the positive and let go of the negative. This is what works for us, and BH we have happy teenagers who seem happy to be frum.

Rappel

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:04 pm

Love them. Be honest with them, and treat them fairly.

I grew up "in the system," and I have not yet met one person whom left religion solely because of philosophical issues. Every single person felt emotionally wronged by a parent, teacher, or other powerful figure in their lives. Every one responded well to what I call "cholent Judaism" - warm, empathetic, loving Judaism.

Love. Respect. I think that's all anyone really needs.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 4:29 pm

I would say make it exciting and fun be frum and lead by example instead of telling kids what to do.

For example instead of trying to force a child to daven, you yourself daven in a public place in the house where they could see you. Also with younger ones offer to cuddle up on the couch and sing the davening together so it's enjoyable.

Get the kids excited for Yom tov and shabbos - even if I have no time or don't feel well, I always make sure to at least have a few things for the kids to look forward to on yom tov shabbos (a dessert they love, magazine to read, new game or the knowledge that the whole family will be playing a game together and ect....)

Let them help make something special for yom tov - ect decoration for the succah, a cake if old enough, homemade napkin rings, in charge of picking out the paper goods....)

Try to make the preparations exciting - put on music and etc....when cleaning and cooking. Tell your kids how excited you are for yom tov or for doing any specific mitzvah...and how happy you are that your Jewish and all the wonderful things we have bec of it....

Never force anything - I had a son who had a hard time keeping his kippa on (maybe was a sensory thing?). I said nothing when he would hold it or keep it in his pocket and eventually he wore it more and more - now he wears it all the time and it didn't turn into a power struggle.

blessedjmom

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 7:02 pm

A very wise woman - mom of 8 healthy frum confident children shared some tidbits with me. As a previous poster mentioned - be on the same page as the schools you send your kids to. Don't knock rules. Dont try to bend them. Etc. Show you respect it. Don't do a. At home and b. In school.
Community as well. Belong. Be. And be happy about it. Show your kids true pride in the path you chose to live.
Don't mock your shul/school/rabbi/rules/community

She also shared that she truly believes her kids are amazing. And they know she knows that. Regardless of what or who they are. They're hers and they're awesome.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 7:54 pm

I think for people who did not grow up religious, it is important to realise that their perspective as an adolescent or adult when they learned the tfillot and mitzvot is different from a child's perspective...

In general, adults have a more intellectual approach, and it easy to understand one ruleand to follow it... So when you come from this perspective in approaching mitzvot and particularly tfilot and reading, it is important to understand that a small child is slower in assimilating and easily overwhelmed... so it is important not to be too strict, and not too intellectual, and to be always age-appropriate.

Parents should be sensitive to the fact that in schools where yiches is important, it could be that their children might feel or be disadvantaged... so perhaps it's better not to aim too far right, not to a too secluded and closed society.

Also, I think a ger or Bt should be aware that they made a choice that maybe was not their parent's dream, so their children also should have some freedom of choice in religious matters... give them a good jewish education, send them to good jewish schools, but don't be angry at them if in the end, they decide to be less religious than you...